[MissCharlotte]

The truth is it's been two weeks since I've seen T and right now I really don't miss him.
I think about him but I don't miss him.

I don't want to go back today.

Connecting and disconnecting and then connecting again? What is this? It's crap, that's what it is. It's pain. It hurts. Why should we have to experience this? Aren't loving relationships supposed to be consistent? Aren't they supposed to be there all the time?
I'm always the one holding down the fort, and I don't want to be that one anymore.

I'm sick of holding my breath in between. And then sometimes feeling good and sometimes not feeling good.

Right now I feel sick. Blah. Yuck. %#@&#! him.

[Mouse_]

Sister, I hear ya, and have had to deal with this feeling myself during the break and the only thing that has brought be back to now is knowing that me and T do continue even when apart, that her caring is still within me. I know when my mother walked out the room her caring seemed to stop, but with T I know when she returns she will return with the same degree of caring and nothing about her would have changed. I think its a big leap of faith to trust that we have continued even though apart?

I hear you. I think I've been emotionally withdrawing from my t over the break, too. It DOES hurt when you see them and feel attached and connected, and then you can't see them for a while and you feel abandoned and disconnected. That is how it is for me, anyway. After a while of disconnection I think I emotionally withdraw a little. Start not really missing him. Start wondering why I see him at all and start wondering whether I will go back or not (though of course I will).

> Why should we have to experience this?

Because nobody can be there 100% of the time when you need them. Life simply doesn't work that way :-(

> Aren't loving relationships supposed to be consistent?

Yeah, I think so. I think that consistency is about how they are when they are around you, though. Sometimes... Life is such that... They can't be around you as much as you need them to be :-(

Disconnection and connection.
Disconnection and connection.
Over and over again.
On one theory the healing comes with the connection (and with the meeting of self-object needs)
But personality change / strengthening comes from the disconnection and repair.
What is meant to be predictable and consistent is the process of
Disconnection and connection.
In the moments of disconnection one starts to meet the self-object need for oneself.
Comes to be more self reliant.

Reconnection is meant to be something that is cherished, yeah.
But that takes time.

I always feel like pushing him away when he comes back.
A little bit avoidant of pain, methinks.
Because the disconnection (still) hurts so much.
I think it is meant to get better with time.
Hang in there.

[chaotic13]

Sorry I don't have anything insightful to say. Just wanted to say I hope things go well today as you reconnect yet again.

[MissCharlotte]

Mouse,

THanks. I guess I'm not there yet -- at least not for 2 weeks. I was okay for one week, then a phone conversation sustained me for a while but now? Who knows? Does he care? I doubt it. Today feels like an obligation--like going to church did when I reached adolescence.

[MissCharlotte]

Alex,

Thanks for the insights.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Comes to be more self reliant.

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Yeah, I get that. But the whole %#@&#! thing is, I am tired of being self-reliant. In fact, I am sick of it. I have been self-reliant for decades; and I have always been the one who is steadfast--always there, seeing, observing, knowing. I want to disappear now.

me either... not wanting to go today i mean.

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What is this? It's crap, that's what it is.

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i'm sorry, i laughed outloud. But i understand completely. It IS crap.

i mean, i am like a crazy builder.. rebuilding all my walls and defenses to protect myself during those two weeks to know that Mr. Bulldozer is planning to mow them all down. Hmpf.

what really burns my biscuit is the unevenness... it's not only inconsistent for us, but it's not EVEN. i mean, hey.. do you think he spent the holidays pondering about our relationship? Nope. Even if a client or two crossed his mind.. am i one of them? What are my odds? Pisses me off to no end. Makes me hate him in a pathetic way.

yeah.. like you said.. or what i think you said.. why go back to just feel bad all over again? i go even further.. why am i PAYING to feel bad all over again.. didn't i feel bad for free before i started this?

so i dont want to go today either.. even if i really do mis him.

i say we revolt. DOWN WITH T!!!!!!

[pachyderm]

> DOWN WITH T!!!!!!

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
it's not only inconsistent for us, but it's not EVEN

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I won't even go there. I don't think about him unless I am sitting in front of him.

Okay here's the plan. Round up all the T's and tie them up together in a bunch and then tie them to a stake. Make the BEG for mercy. Before any T gets released they have to profess their undying love and devotion to us, by name. WE will be standing in a crowd yelling. RAAAH RAHHH ARAHHH.

okay getting carried away again.

Will that even things out a bit for you Fluffy?

hahaha... not bad

we can change the old lawyer joke:

what do you call a hundred T's tied together at stake?

- a good start

maybe there is some way to implant a chip in his brain... every so often it flashes my pic. i'd be on his mind as much as he is on mine. That'll teach him.

I told T that the pain of being away from him and not being able to have him fulfill every need I want from him is like re-experiencing the the pain and abandonment that we all have in childhoold that we came to therapy in the first place for.

I like the idea of rounding up the T's. My only request? That we pull the fire alarm.

[pachyderm]

> I like the idea of rounding up the T's. My only request? That we pull the fire alarm.

At what point?

but what if he missed you just like you missed him. Like when a friend goes on vacation and you both see each other again.

[Kiya]

Y'all!!! I am feeling very mother hen-ish over y'all and your pains and fears. I want to gather each one of ya under my great huge feathery wings and protect you, hug you, chide you for thinking your T's don't care about you, show you that this IS worth it, and fly you all to your T's myself.

The hardest thing to heal from (the very reason we are all even in therapy) is to mend that link in our brains that has us believe we are only cared about if the person who dishes out care consistantly is right there in front of us. The people in our lives who hurt us WANT us to believe that care and love is conditional and comes only when that person feels like giving it.

((((((((((((((((((((children of T))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Mother Hen clutching you all in compassion

[Mouse_]

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Kiya said:

The people in our lives who hurt us WANT us to believe that care and love is conditional and comes only when that person feels like giving it.



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Gotta think about this one.

[Christina86]

You all are a riot.

I wonder if my T ever thinks about me... somehow I doubt it.

[chaotic13]

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sister said:
I have been self-reliant for decades; and I have always been the one who is steadfast--always there, seeing, observing, knowing. I want to disappear now.

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Your comment here triggered a thought.. likely totally unrelated to this thread. Sister does your T ever comment on your self-reliance? Mine seems to make some little comment about it just about every session. Since she does really say much I often wonder if she trying to clue me in on something that I am just not getting.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
The people in our lives who hurt us WANT us to believe that care and love is conditional and comes only when that person feels like giving it.

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Kiya I found this comment very interesting. I would add "or when there is something tangible in it for them."

[MissCharlotte]

Well,

I don't know if he ever said anything directly about self reliance BUT he said that I can take care of others and give but have trouble letting others take care of me. So,,,,,,I guess that's it! AHA

3 hours 7 minutes

HOLY CRAP

[Kiya]

yay sister, you will be there soon. BREATHE!!! =)

[pachyderm]

Here is a quote that I think could be applied to Ts; it is from the book The Survivor Personality... by Al Siebert, Ph.D.:

"When you feel vulnerable to what someone says or does, try thinking of this person as a teacher assigned to you in the school of life. Of course, you can decide not to learn any lessons at this time. That's OK because the school of life is so well organized, it will arrange for you to have many more opportunities for you to learn!"


Actually, I feel that this book is in the same category.

SISTER'S AT T!!! SISTER'S AT T!!! SOMEONE PULL THE FIRE ALARM.

I BET YOU ARE TELLING HIM HOW MUCH YOU MISSED HIM RIGHT NOW.

OR TELLING HIM HOW MUCH YOU DIDN'T MISS HIM.

EITHER WAY....

lol patchyderm. I liked that a lot :-)

I wonder if there are different kinds of self reliance...

One kind might be emotionally detaching from others so that one can continue to function without the pain of their not being around.

Another kind might be emotionally connecting to others and being able to meet some of their self-object functions when they aren't around so their being around isn't as painful. And so that one doesn't need to emotionally distance oneself from them when they aren't around as a way of coping with the pain.

Sounds like you are taking steps to get out of the second kind of self-reliance. You are caring... I guess a little bit of emotional distancing is a useful coping strategy. I hope your reunion goes well.

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I won't even go there. I don't think about him unless I am sitting in front of him.

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OMMMGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! You are killing me, Sis! I'm laughing so hard at this that I almost spit up a lung! Of course, I think your quote is true for all of us here at PC.