Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
Love you. That's all. And, OK, don't die or anything. Or move away. Or retire.
Love,
LT

Yeah now I wish I had been able to take you up on talking yesterday afternoon. Why did I have to go and forget to turn my phone back on after it charged?!

(yes, I realize that I'm being a drama queen.)

ifeellikeidon'twantyoutoseemeasbadasiamrightnowyetyouaretheonlyoneiwanttohelpmesohelpmepleaseallthisadultingistoomuchiamnotanadultiamscared littleartieican't dothisican'tdoanyofthislit

Living like a coiled spring is hard.

So face coverings are pretty much mandatory for face to face therapy. I feel like this will delay you re-opening your practice properly even though we haven't discussed it. I get it, logically anyway. But I'm really beginning to despair...will I ever see you face to face again? It's been almost four months. Will the mask thing stop being mandatory once the numbers go down a bit? How can you make your office "covid secure?" What's going to happen? I just want the answers to all these questions, but I know there are no answers yet. I'm scared of what it means long term. I'm scared you'll change your mind and stop practising (highly unlikely, hello anxiety). I'm really scared I'll lose you and I don't know how to not be scared. I feel like it gets worse with each passing week. I don't know how to see the positives...I just long to be in your presence and I'm blinded by this longing right now. Zoom video quality is awful, your face is often blurry. The internet in your office isn't great, please, please, please, at least sort it out or go back home, where your internet is much better. I keep bursting into tears at random moments, I don't know why it's suddenly starting to affect me so much. I need some good news, I'm tired of all this angst. I really miss you.

Dear Dr. S,

Why can't I talk to you about things I want? I don't even feel like it's a fear of rejection. Something happens inside me the minute I start to turn the session to these types of topics. Walls go up and I don't feel ... I don't think connected is the word.

I don't know,
-me

Pdoc,

Please be as kind in your response as T was.

I'm really really lonely right now, even though I have friends.

Feel like I'm unravelling, and desperately wish we had the option of in person at the moment.
Nonetheless, I am looking forward to the opportunity to discuss the last week or so with you.

I had another one of those perception-altering realizations this morning and I don't even know if I will be able to say it out loud to you on Friday. But it makes SO much sense and makes so many other things make sense. Damn.

Just wanted to reach out to you and let you know I completely relate to how you feel. I was in utter despair when I heard about face coverings becoming mandatory in therapy sessions as I knew it would mean a huge delay in most Ts going back to f2f work. My T has said she is now going back to remote work only after seeing me f2f for a few weeks. Online and phone therapy is not something I am able to do due to some stuff it triggers, so looks like I’m back to no therapy for the foreseeable. Feel like we are going backwards not forwards here in the UK. Sending you positive vibes and thoughts.

Why are you always telling me to rest and not let myself think about stuff. When does this become avoidance. Although I’m not sure I’m not legitimately physically sick either.

This has been my question. What I am told is if I am not thinking about stuff because I don't want to feel emotions it is avoidance unless it is something like work or family gatherings where where distracting is necessary

Work stressed me the hell out today and also my stupid anxiety is kicking my *** right now. I need to talk to my dr about medication. At least for a little while. I feel like I'm on super-high-alert all the time. Everything makes me want to cry. Everything. Bad day in Artie-land.

Today I saw a news report that yesterday the body of a man was found in the harbor where you live after finding his boat capsized. I knew you were gone for your yearly mom's backpacking trip. Instantly I feared it was your husband which is crazy. I worry when there are fatal accidents in your town and when you go backpacking alone...
nut your husband, that is really crazy. A little searching revealed it was a man from out of state. Still sad but relievd it was not your husband.

L, you would be proud of me today, after a stressful day of work I was all up in my head and my anxiety was getting outta control mostly about this refi we are doing, h is making it complicated by wanting to buy another house in the next year, and I was losing it big time... somewhere in my anxiety spiral I heard your voice telling me to take action, that it's just energy, so do something with it, so I put on socks & shoes and did a 30 minute walking workout on my treadmill. It was great! I feel so much less anxious now. Hopefully it'll stay at a lower level and I'll be able to sleep tonight. H and i were awake at 3 am me with my anxiety and him frustrated with my anxiety. Hoping I'll sleep good tonight.

holy hell L, this is embarrassing stuff I'm writing right now, how am I ever going to say these things that I've realized out loud on Friday morning, mostly the specific link that got cemented in my head so very long ago between two things that should not have to go together? And can you help me un-link them???!


ps I still wish you would wear a flower in your hair.

I was over the moon to see you today! 5 weeks. You look strong and healthy, which is wonderful. Your energy was so intense that it transferred to me, and I believe I experienced the most powerful insight I've ever had in therapy. And it's been right under my nose, all the time.

Hi R,

This situation seems to be getting worse as it's getting better.
We have a lot to talk about on Thursday, and I'm not sure how to prioritise, because it all feels important.
I'd just 'got used to' my support workers wearing masks...by glancing at them rather than looking at them.
Now they have to wear visors too?

The Universe seems to be going out of its way to reinforce the attitude that I have been trying to challenge.
Other people can be trusted, other people are safe to interact with.
I can't tell you how desperately I want to believe that again.

6 days till have I to go back again. I really thought coming back to London would be bad for me but it's been the opposite.

School starts in 12 days.

zero emails sent to you. Not even sure when you're supposed to come back and I'm not counting.

Why am I such an embarrassment?! I have some sort of genetic disease where I am a petulant child trapped in an adult body, or an emotional mutant who appears normal on the outside but has poisonous bile for blood. My nonsense has to stop. I was fine before I started therapy with you, it's your fault of course. Remember when I said I had been fine before therapy and you went doo-lalley flip at me?

.... a purple flower!! please.

holy sheep**** L. I was just writing some more and found another puzzle piece, as to why i've gained so much weight. it's all inter-related with the other stuff. Damn Sam **** a rug.

i have been thinking about you a lot today