[emmaleemochizuki]

my T has this tendency to say things like 'awww you were so small, or awww it must have been hard for you' and things like that when I disclose any kind of trauma.

I don't know how I feel about this, I don't want anyone to feel pity or sorry, because its not like thats gonna change what happened. I hate being treated like a victim.

but at least my current T isn't like the T I had with CAMHS, I literally felt like she was gonna burst into tears, and I wouldn't want to see somebody like that.

[SlumberKitty]

Yeah, that would probably annoy me too to receive that kind of response. Maybe think about how you would like T to respond and then have a conversation from there.

[MissUdy]

Can you tell her it feels like pity? My T says things like, ‘that must have been awful/scary/you were so little/just a child’ if I’m talking about my trauma with no emotion or feeling.

I realise how much more disconnected I must have seemed, especially at the beginning of therapy... speaking of horrible traumas with a blank face and monotone voice. Now at least I can feel something about them, because he’s helped me by naming the feelings. T doesn’t say ‘awww’ though, I would obviously find that insulting.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I don't respond well to pity either. In fact, there were a couple of therapists I stopped seeing almost immediately because of their "poor you" responses.

Talk to her about it. See if she'll adjust the way she responds to your experiences. My good therapists generally didn't interject their own reactions, but rather, they asked me to describe my own thoughts and feelings about those experiences.

Ugh. Yuck.

"Aww..." has NO place in quality therapy. I mean that. Pity is about the therapist, not the client. And here is how I know.
I was a therapist for 30 years with excellent training and supervisors. I have also been in therapy with at least half a dozen folks.

There are so many ways to convey empathy and understanding that do not require the client to pause and think about the therapist's feelings. This is not the client's job.

There is one type of person who trains as a therapist: someone who has been through stuff. There are 2 types of folks who emerge to practice: those who've dealt with their stuff and those who haven't. The latter do the "aww" stuff as if that's being compassionate when it's just a well-meaning but incompetent reaction that does nothing to advance the healing. The former convey that they are right with you in a myriad creative ways that never get in the way of your process.

Go ahead and ask her about it. But ponder whether her response is just the same more about her than you. And never settle.

Yeah, we all settle for imperfect relational instances because people are messy and imperfect, including therapists who have "done their work".

If you are bothered by what she says, tell her and then work through it with her. There are more damaging responses than a misplaced and useless " Aww".

[nottrustin]

That would really bother me. I hate even being called a victim. To me being a victim means I allowed it to ruin my life. Which it did not. I know that may not be how it is generally viewed bit it is to me. I also dislike survivor.

Anyway, awww is too sicky sweet for me. When I started seeing my current T, when I talked about my amazing and thoughtful husband she always said awww...it did her on my nerves a bit but I reminded myself it is likely because people like him are hard to find, especially with people with my history.

[ArtleyWilkins]

The problem with pity for me was a deep and early belief that I was broken, flawed. Pitying responses from therapists only re enforced that mistaken internal belief which kept me stuck and feeling hopeless, so that kind of response really was pretty damaging. What I did need to learn is to understand my own thoughts that came out of my trauma experiences so that I could see the connections and correct that belief. Correcting that idea that I was damaged and broken would eventually lead to greater confidence and resilience.

Expressing concern that someone was young when they experienced abuse or that being abused as a child is a hard experience is not a pity response. People seem hung up on the four letters "awww". A verbal exclamation like this does not necessarily define the totality of a therapist's compassion. Sometimes I think people here can't see beyond their own noses.

[Rive.]

I don't see it as pity or her feeling sorry for you. Just compassion for the crap that happened to that small child.

There's a difference between pity and empathy or validation of one's pain. I know I would prefer some sort of compassion from T rather than a blank wall whenever I expressed pain or a crap experience.

Each to their own I guess, so if it bothers you, tell her. For me, I world say 'lucky you' that someone shows some caring and compassion.