imagining the tone?

Mouse_ · Jan 17, 2008, 03:06 PM

ave ya ever dun dat? needed a kind word from T and emailed them and get a reply but your head reads it in a negative voice? like it says, oh %#@&#! off dont waste my time or try to win my symphaphy? jus get on wit life and dont bore me??? of course the email doesn't say any of that, but ya head says it does

Junerain · Jan 17, 2008, 03:10 PM

I am sooo sensitive to tone, more than even what was actually said..so I know...can imagine what was said with a nice tone, like my favorite client, so nice to hear from you add a few smiley faces... imagining the tone?

Perna · Jan 17, 2008, 03:14 PM

Or, the T's reply is boring or at least not very inspiring, and one converts that into one's self being boring since who wants a boring, not always useful T?

Mouse_ · Jan 17, 2008, 03:33 PM

oh Perna, I think you may ave sumthing there!! I was just sititng try to get to a place where I can feel let down once in a while and also know she catches me too, but still I am getting the nagging feeling more and more lately that maybe i need to fly the nest and leave therapy. Im sure T has a lot more to offer me from the luxury of her chair, but moi? there comes a time when the pain needs to end..there comes a time when one has to just get on with life and perhaps T doesn't have a perfect time when to end, one is better just ending it suddenly.

Mouse_ · Jan 17, 2008, 03:42 PM

hi T, I think its time to for me to quit now. T says, ok well I can't stop you, and though in my heart I hope she will, I know this time she won't and I have to go ahead and do it, and I walk away from our room for ever knowing there is no going back and what the future holds I cannot see...and t's life continues and she gets a new client to feel my slot and she continues her life quite happily and I have just condemned myself to a hell on earth accept I have one option if only I can find the courage to finally do it properly, the end

Perna · Jan 17, 2008, 03:57 PM

Stop right there with the no going back. Why not? I went back after 9 years and it was a zillion times better because I had continued to gain experience and grow, etc.

Too, you're not an object that fills a slot for T, interchangeable. You've got twins, why not get rid of one of them? You don't need two, you selfish bird :-)

Mouse_ · Jan 17, 2008, 04:38 PM

I wouldnt get rid of one of my twins because there is a real relationship there...its safe to feel all kinds of ways concerning them and know that theres a biological bond that holds us together and its ok to expect love from them to me and from me to them. T is not mine, never can be and playing this game is getting ridiculas. I believe she has complete faith in therapy, but as a normal %#@&#! up humanbeing I'm beginning to feel that this is becoming a luxury I cannot continue...and T will smile and look caring but she can never ever reach deep inside and fill that hole...

Mouse_ · Jan 17, 2008, 04:40 PM

sometimes courage is doing what scares us the most. Leaving.

Perna · Jan 17, 2008, 05:09 PM

Ah, don't love your husband? Husband doesn't love you? Where's that biological bond?

If all you care about is the biological bond, what makes you a "human" animal? A lot of mother's eat their young rather than protecting and caring for them? No one can care for and love another without a biological bond? I know you don't seriously think it wouldn't hurt your T if you left her. Not in the same sense it hurts you that your mother gave you away or that your adopted mother mostly wanted you for her own purposes but T (and most of the other friends, mothers, and lovers in the world) are not like mother or adopted mother.

T isn't supposed to fill the hole. She's supposed to help hand you tools and witness your filling the hole. It's your hole!

ECHOES · Jan 17, 2008, 07:46 PM

You thinking T wants to 'give you up'?

Fuzzybear · Jan 17, 2008, 08:02 PM

Yes absolutely for me imagining the tone?

Fuzzybear · Jan 17, 2008, 08:04 PM

tulips30 · Jan 17, 2008, 09:28 PM

Are there any of us here who think our t's wouldn't BOLT if given 1/2 a chance? I know I feel that way plenty of the time. Especially bad since the holiday's. It doesn't matter what he says or in what tone. It's there.

I'm sure however, it has NOTHING to do w/my dad bolting when I was 11 or my last t. bolting and disappearing one night out of the blue. Nah...... imagining the tone?

tulips

Mouse_ · Jan 18, 2008, 06:07 AM

I have such a pain going on between my head and my heart and my rational part....for short moments i find peace with reality, then I'm back to wanting reality to prove to me it cares....I went to bed last night so hopeless and so full of fear for what I may do today in T....the solution I've come too is that I'm gonna say to T , If I asked you to hug me would you? If I asked you to sit next to me would you? If she says lets talk about why you ask these things I will know its all fake and time to go....

ECHOES · Jan 18, 2008, 06:30 AM

(( Mouse ))

ECHOES · Jan 18, 2008, 06:30 AM

(( Mouse ))

Mouse_ · Jan 18, 2008, 08:46 AM

Oh lord, I went and told her that I am afraid I;m going to do something really silly....seeing her in the flesh and blood and not just in the crazy fantasies that have been going on inside my head this week had the immediate effect of at least making me want to talk about this instead of just reacting...I with tears in my eyes said I need to ask her if I asked her to hug me would she? then I held up my hand and said this is just a question and one I seemed to have come to the conclusion will be my guide post as to where I go from here. T sat with that look on her face she gets when she has slightly been caught of guard and then replied, yes if you asked me and also we would talk about it....I done it, I %#@&#! asked one of those questions that scares the life out of you and I was convinced she was going to say NO!...she said you asked me that question very carefully. I said I no! but I asked it and I needed you to be a humanbeing in htat moment and not a T, she nodded yes. ...I told her about the awful week I've had and she said there are some practical things we can do, we can change around your sessions if that helps and you could come 3x a week...oh man, my dream 3x a week! BUT alas I cannot afford that, but she offered! she moved toward me with those offers!....I talked and talked and cried and cried and tried my best to meet her today....I told her at the end that I felt I came in all guns firing and now the fight has gone...she asked why I felt that? I said because I guess you met my needs, she asked how that felt? and I said peaceful, then added that she must be a strong person to sit with me for an hour and then I bet goes downstairs and pulls her hair out! she smiled and said, no you don';t do that to me!... aawwwww I am saved!

Mouse_ · Jan 18, 2008, 09:52 AM

pacydem, You skeptical??? nooo? LOL and yes I caught your post before it was deleted LOL!

Yes yoru correct until the next time, but each time I am faced with this I get a new memory of how it was dealt with and met to go on. Will this memory work next time? Well lets just say this time I went through this torment clean and sober, thats a big step forward..so it does work on one level...perhaps you'd like to say whats going on for you at the moment for you to feel this way???

pachyderm · Jan 18, 2008, 11:49 AM

Shhh. I thought maybe I was not being "supportive" and anyway, I thought better of getting into something that was not my business and spooking you. (Is my reputation for skepticism so well known?)

Therapy is not going well for me; I need to decide whether it is or is not worth the fears it induces for me to have more "learning experiences" to understand what makes me tick. Can I make use of a less-than-ideal therapy/therapist or not? Is it worth it?

ARE there any ideal therapists -- or ones more closely approaching the ideal? I have some definite ideas as to what I need and what is not right with my present therapist, but what to do about it is the question. And as for telling my T how to improve, that does not work. Especially considering the kind of dissociation I often experience -- I cannot be coherent in session, and when that happens what he does makes the situation worse.

Mouse_ · Jan 18, 2008, 12:20 PM

oh that word "supportive" kinda of freaks me out LOL! so know you go ahead and say what you think.......I'm sorry its difficult for you at the moment...I get that!....I'll be interested in hearing what you decide to do about eventually though!

krazibean · Jan 18, 2008, 04:00 PM

Post deleted by krazibean

Mouse_ · Jan 19, 2008, 07:55 AM

Another deleted LOL! not sure if thats good or bad LOL! or somewhere in between! LOL!

I've felt a huge relief since yesterday. this hug thing though, it seems to have been transformed in meaning since I actually spoke the words "would-you-hug-me"..it was something about the non urgency in T's face, and her added reply "yes-and-talk-about-it". I didn't want to hear the "talk-about-it" part yesterday, but today, I feel as if that part of me that always wanted my real mother to come and hug me has finally been satisfied, though in fantasy, and sometimes that is the only place we will find resolutions. But now the wanting to be hugged, isn't quite so urgent, the wanting to understand why it felt so important is coming to the forefront of my mind. I feel ready now to talk-about-why-this-meant-so-much-to-me and finally ready to accept another-way-to-have-my-needs-met, maybe a more adult way??? perhaps? I think? we're seee? but I am content today!

MissCharlotte · Jan 19, 2008, 09:05 AM

Hey mouse,

I don't do e-mails with T. But I wonder if this is a version of other self-deceptive techniques we employ? Such as, if he doesn't return my phone call asap he hates me and doesn't want to work with me? (Did I really think that/say that?)

Peace.

imagining the tone?

Perna · Jan 19, 2008, 11:42 AM

I really like your T's response. It was obviously not thought out in advance, was obviously not a one-size-fits-all-situations response. More a "yes you may have dessert but you have to eat your vegetables too."

I loved it when I could see I had accidentally thrown T out of her usual comfort zone and yet she responded "true" to us and the work. I could see her actual character/Self and feel my response to her instead of it usually being the other way around.