Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I know I can be hard to work with, I'm glad you like the challenge. I wouldn't want to see anyone but you.

Dear Info,

You are useless.

ATAT

HI T: I hope you enjoy your socially distanced thanksgiving. I've been trying to follow what you suggested. I've not done everything, but some stuff. I'll miss talking to you on Friday.

I hate that you work part time. I hate that there's a month between our appointments.

T, such an important email and you're probably not going to reply? I'm hurt.

Here's an example of how my brain screws everything up....my friend send me a photo of the moon from the beach. Then 20 minutes later you posted a photo of the moon at the same location. My brain thinks you are there together and ****ing with my mind, but I know that can't be true. You would say it's just a meaningless coincidence, right?

Dear T,
I felt really connected to you right at the end of session today. You just had this very caring--loving?--look in your eyes. I didn't want to leave and could feel the tears coming, but I managed to hold off until I signed off.

I really do hope you have a good Thanksgiving. I sort of wish I could be there, as part of your family. I'm not going to actually tell you that.

Love,
LT

No, I don’t want to go back to work right now and it doesn’t even make any sense. The Covid cases in my state are terrible, I have a second surgery in January or February, then the Covid vaccine in the spring which I have heard will make you pretty sick. Then my move is in March or April. Please stop pushing me.

I'm angry and sad that you would drop that bomb right before your week-long break. Your office lease is up and you might not renew?? You may never return to in-person sessions?? I didn't even know how to respond. I was frozen. I can't believe you were so nonchalant about mentioning it, or that you didn't realize how that might affect me. Still not sure what to think. I don't want to do this anymore.

Hope it's OK to respond. Ugh, I'm sorry. And that's definitely not something to drop at the end of a session. If nothing else, at least your T should wait till they're sure, not say they might not renew. Unless they're seeing how clients react, which still isn't right.

Thanks for your response. Totally okay. Yeah, I still can't believe it. And you're right, why even mention it until the decision is final? She mentioned it like she was 'thinking out loud', or she was still trying to figure out what to do. It was very upsetting and I don't think she realizes it.

I can't believe you thought I was doing what you accused me of and then acted like I was lying when I told you that picture was me with a snapchat filter not some rando guy. I thought it was funny. That's all ffs. I feel offended.

Isn't that the same photo from yesterday?! Of course I want to play. It didn't seem like you wanted to. I can't play by myself.

I don’t know what to do..I know my partner wants children, he would be a great Dad, especially if the mum was better than me. I can’t have children but I don’t want him to miss out on being a Dad, I don’t want it to be my fault he never gets to do that.

Dear T, I do believe you when you say you care about me, but ultimately it makes no difference. We still only have 15 sessions left and then you will disappear from my life...

Do you? Or don't you..?

I don’t think you need to fire me on Tuesday. I think we can work things out. But I’m much more relaxed after not seeing you for almost 2 weeks. So I don’t know. But I think we can fix things. I just hope your not just letting me have a good holiday and then you’ll start slamming into me next session.

Why do I feel like u hate me

Its been 10 years and I still think like that

TELL ME U LOVE Me

I hate u

Seriously, I thought you were gonna fall off your chair the other day you were so sitting on the edge of it in your excitement at something new to work on. Don't get me wrong I love your enthusiasm but sometimes it looks like "Ooh! Now I know she'll come back after January!"

I miss you. Still a whole week-end to go.

What you said last week has made EVERYTHING easier! I don't think I would have got things done today for crying if you hadn't helped me understand what I was so scared of

Dear T,

I'm sorry session today was boring and unproductive. It's hard to yank myself out of work mode.

Now I miss you.

-c