Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I don't feel good. My head hurts. And I don't want to do anything.

I'm nervous that you're going to be difficult about the emails I sent you. Can you just ... not, please?

Hi Dr. S,

Some of what has come up for me today after last night is our rupture - how I felt about what I saw in you. I am very sad and scared about that. I think it might be time to talk a bit more about what happened then. If we don't ever talk about it, then how can I really know anger is safe with being in the room with us? Does it really matter if it was projection or perception? Maybe then I wasn't ready to believe you, regardless of your response. Now, maybe parts would believe you. I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I see the difference between you trying to challenge my reality and your actual feelings.

No matter what I say or how mean I am, I need you to be able to contain it -- which sort of sounds like I need you to take it. I guess in a way, I do need you to take it in terms of witness it and yeah I guess channel that energy without taking it personally or taking it into you.

love,
me

Hey well after just enabling h in his self-perpetuated-because-he-refuses-to-learn computer illiteracy and figuring out how to book a golf outing for him and his buddy and get a copy of the reservation on his phone, I very clearly heard your voice in my head saying "If you don't want a big baby, stop being a big mama."


You're awesome, you know that, right?!

Hey ArtieTheSequal, I know people don't reply to posts here but wow at your T. I think I needed to read her phrase too.

I was raised to be my perpetrator brother's keeper (he's ruining his life very deliberately, has told me he feels i owe him) and my mum refuses to learn basic computer stuff, or certain other adulting tasks and would be all "helpless" and call me selfish if I didn't help... I get how sometimes it's easier to give in to avoid the bs or sulking that happens if you don't.

It's tough to not enable, and I'm cheering you on at healing being the good, responsible one.

It was quiet for 4 days, not so much now. Emailed you not like it matters, but i think since covid started you have talked to me less to not at all inbetween sessions. And it was more when i was seeing you 2 times and more to 1 time anweek now that we are monthly, ill never hear from you. In the 30 days you emailed me to respond an email regarding session. So i get to go another 30 days with no contact text or email, and i dont see how its helpful?? Wish you would explain? I remember 2 things about session. Reading something to you and texting you a few days later, to which you responded with glad its quiet internally for you. Which when i ask for a response nothing. I am done with this. I say that but dont mean it. I emailed you how its not quiet anymore, see if you respond. If you dont, i will not write or text anymore. Though will take up drinking again. Urges are growing by the day. Right now is a time where i think you dont give a **** about me.

I thought you said therapy was supposed to be a safe space?

Dear T,
Were you wiping away tears today? They seemed like sort of random spots for you to be doing so, but it's certainly what it looked like. Maybe what I was talking about triggered you in some way? Or you just felt sad that I was so distressed?


Also, thanks for handling that one topic really well.

Love,
LT

Thanks for being there on Saturday T and helping me come up with 2 crisis plans for Thanksgiving, just in case. Also thanks for saying how you missed me. I don't know. That struck something deep inside me.

Well, so much for eating better. Today work stressed me the hell out and I have been eating all afternoon. and now i'm drinking wine. so....

And I so want to just give up on this class. It's kicking my ***. But I can't let myself quit. If I ever do decide to pursue this degree after all, I don't wanna have to retake it...

I wish I could stop wanting to take care of you. I wish I could stop wanting you to see me as empathetic. I just want to tell you the truth about who I am and how I feel.

Why do you do things like this to me?

(Why do I let you?)

Dear T,
Feeling rather anxious that you haven't replied to the fee email. I would think if the answer were "yes," then you'd just say that. Or even if it was "Let's discuss a compromise." A bit concerned you're annoyed or frustrated with me, that you're going to write some missive on how you have to make a living, too. Maybe I should have just included all the numbers in that email. But I said I could provide them if you wanted. Or, maybe you're just busy this morning, and this is a low-priority email (which it is in the grand scheme of things for sure). Or you just need a little time to think about it.

Love,
LT

I remember being very little and scared and upset and grownups saying to me ‘if you don’t tell us what’s wrong, we can’t help you’ and I never knew what was wrong, and it feels just the same now. I don’t know what’s wrong, just that there is something so very very wrong about me. And it’s just the same as it ever was, no one can help me because I can’t speak.

Other people have real problems.

Can't stop feeling hurt.

New exam one month away and I've spent the past week in bed. Not studying.

Remember when i played that one song for you? I still feel that from you. Thank you for waiting.

The migraine got worse and it's messing with my emotions and making me feel really sad for no reason. I wish I could go to you for sympathy and comfort right now.

The rock helps. I haven't engaged in SH since you sent it you know. Every time my brain starts trying to convince me that you don't actually care about me I have tangible evidence to the contrary. It helps me carry you with me and hold onto the feeling of being cared about.
Thank you for giving it to me for this purpose. It helps to know that you really want me to be able to feel that you care when I'm not in session, and that you would put in your own time (and quite a few stamps) to give me that.

I need to stop seeing you. You are killing me mentally and emotionally. Stopping seeing you is the only thing that can save me from doing something stupid to myself.

I'm really really really sad and I want a caring email response but if you write back, I'll want to write even more.

The crisis team are coming in the morning, they got your message. I told them I don’t want to be kept safe. Is this even real? I’m so so confused. I know you didn’t say you were going to stop working with me but I feel like I’ve done something wrong and you’re sending me away. I don’t know what to do. It all hurts. What did I do wrong?

Yep, just like me! Thanks for the text. I'd been sitting there bored waiting for my lead to send me more work, anticipating your text so that's why the bitmoji. haha!

Dear T,
Thank you for being so generous...
Love,
LT

I guess I feel better about not being able to see you in person before I move. I also don’t feel like ending therapy the way I did last night. Usually though the day after sessions are ok and I’m calmer.

Dear T

I know I’ve been an incredible mess lately. Thank you for being encouraging, empathetic, but not patronizing when I tell you how difficult I’ve been coping.

When I shared thoughts about how great it would be if I didn’t exist in the world, thank you for saying “It is ultimately your choice, but I will do all I can to help keep you here. I personally wouldn’t want you going anywhere. You mean too much to me”

I’ve been holding onto that and it’s keeping me going.

Hey L you know how yesterday I was talking about how that thing already happened with the youngest soul parts cuz of how young kids still believe in magic? Well that's kinda why I so appreciate the dream work and shamanic work cuz they're sorta in the same realm as that magic huh.


Time continues to just disappear when we're talking. Just like when I'm swimming. It's that being in a state of flow, like you said. Our hour is over in what feels like 30 seconds. Every week!!!

And, that was a totally cool sand tray that happened, too. "The teen" enjoyed it immensely could you tell?