Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Coolest dream last night, L. I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Dear T, Thank you for agreeing with me and making it so that I can see you every two weeks. It will help me move things forward in my life. I also am grateful for the session today i had allot to talk about and i feel so much better.

Stop talking about rewiring my brain. You are not a neuro surgeon and my brain is one of the few things functioning parts of my psyche. Stick to what you do well which is ... well, the jury is still out on what exactly it is that you do well, but the jury knows for certain that it does not include cerebral interference.

I never thought I’d say this. But I am worried about leaving group and going back to see you again. I’ll miss the structure of group. Honestly I was thinking of asking if I could do another week in program. I think this means that I’m not so clingy and dependent on you as I used to be, and that I can move on and support myself.

This actually wouldn’t be the first time this hospital had me dependent on their out patient program.

i am not sure where i am at. Session today, i dont know. In my head i want and do tell you that this is no longer working for me, but I cant say it. I am not even sure that when an authorization is approved that i will be excited or even care. I feel that I am definately 2 faced or living in 2 different worlds. I really feel apathetic and depressed. and also the mask I am wearing to hide it presents. I am not sure I found session today helpful. I felt like you asked the right questions at first but just was not getting it. Also think that I am expecting to much from you. I feel confused. I tried tell you that in text and no response. I get it your busy and all, but i really wanted a response. I really could use a hug from you. That is not something that i often want either.

i have about 3 hours worth of stuff to talk about tomorrow.

Skipped class today because I really was feeling so overwhelmed.

34 days without you now and this would have been our first session back after the Christmas holiday.
78 days no SH either.

Decided to put myself back on meds, i am not going to tell you unless you respond back to my texts and emails. Not that it matters i dont know I am so feeling unstable, quick to snap at my kid for saying he wants Panda Express for lunch after I had asked him what he wanted. ended up going home and eating a burger. I am angry and I cant seem to control my agitation.

Thank you for today. It felt way weird laying on the couch and talking to you (acting out the dream). So different from laying down just when you're drumming for me. I felt more, vulnerable somehow, looking at the ceiling and talking, and not seeing your eyes. I think I want to try that again next week. See if more comes up when I'm not seeing your eyes.

Well, that was an eventful first session back! Starting with a hug was awesome. I said so much stuff, i surprised myself. You were on your A-game and fully attuned right up until that point where you let concern about one thing get in the way of where i was at and it all went a bit haywire for a while. But then we pulled it back together and parted well (albeit over time).

That thing you said in our messaging afterwards really touched me. Thank you for being you and for still being there even after all the rough stuff we've been through. I'm glad I've stayed and I'm glad you have too.

Onwards and upwards (and probably also sideways. and backwards. and round and round in circles sometimes, too.)

Day 36 without you.

I dreamt about someone from my old school I haven't thought about in ages. The frequent dreams about my old secondary school have been disorientating if I'm being honest. Maybe it's just because I'm going through something similar. I'm not 14 anymore but almost 30.

I still feel so very sad. A line I got from an audiobook- "It's not about what happened, but also what didn't happen."

Yes I was happy to get a message from you yesterday, but It would have mattered so much more to have that when I was in crisis mode. You weren't there for me and I can't forgive that.

I can feel the cloud cover creeping in.

'A death anniversary, but nobody actually died' is a complete paradox, and yet that is the one I am living.

It is times like this that I really miss you. You were always able to help me through the dark days. I knew I could always depend on you. I need one of you caring and understanding talks right now.

I feel like I am freezing inside my soul.

Dear T: thanks for the session on Saturday. It felt good that you believed me and I was so glad we were able to make some connections between what I was experiencing hallucination-wise and what was going on in my life that may have precipitated it. It made me feel not so crazy. Thank you--Kit

Have stay alive playing on loop.

Didn't go in today either- just couldn't face class and the thought of it made me want to cry. Past two days I've been waking up with bad anxiety.

38 days without you now.

T, I'm sad. I'd run to you to tell you but it's about you. Would you push me away? This work takes more courage than I think I have.

Dear T,
Trying to resist asking you if you have any openings tomorrow. Not sure why that email about my D's potential grade hit me so hard, it just did. Maybe it's just on top of everything else? Perhaps I'm not ready to try twice a week next week either...or maybe this week is just tough and next week I'll be OK with twice? I already said I wanted three times the week after due to my upcoming birthday (how can you not remember after 3 years that my birthday corresponds with a bad anniversary? and had to ask me why I'd be more stressed that week?).


Though I suppose asking if we can switch from Wednesday to Tuesday this week wouldn't change any of that. Now I'm trying to remember if Tuesday is the day when you generally have fewer openings...though I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask regardless.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Was 8:15 too late to send you a scheduling text? Sigh. I thought it was 9 or possibly 8:30 at the earliest? Hope I didn't mess up. I shouldn't have asked. Just feel like I'm falling apart here...
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Thanks for fitting me in. And for adding the comment about D to your text reply. So clearly you read the email, too.

Love,
LT

I don't feel that good today. Why is it that my mood fluctuates so much? I know I do all this good stuff for myself and I don't know why I don't feel that good still.

Hey T, please reply to my email

I feel a bit fragile and wish I could be in the same room as you. Hopefully soon.

Love,
M

Thanks for your email. The fact that you know makes it easier.
I will endeavour to take care of Emotional C.

Dear T, I feel very depressed this week the memories of Grandpa losing him a7 years ago are so overwhelming. It's so hard to put my emotions to words. I feel like you are the only one who really understands that the emotional pain is so real.


I feel cutoff from allot of my friends, family when I feel this way.