Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear T,
H yelled at D again tonight, and it was particularly upsetting to me, because D just wanted to draw with H. I know he was frustrated because he was in the middle of something, but his tone really bothered me. And she was crying. (I offered to draw with her, but she didn't want me.) And I spoke up over text, when he tried to justify what happened. I said it still wasn't OK to speak to her that way. And he didn't really say anything in response to that, just talked about something else. But, at least I tried, right? I just wish he'd have at least apologized or something...He did eventually draw with her, but still...
It helps that you validate my feelings about this. Wish you could overhear some of it.
Love,

LT

Things between us have actually been going super well, but I still feel like in my heart i know I need to stop for now. Maybe it's just because of of the stuff we've been talking about and I want to avoid all of that, but I feel like it's too much and more than I can handle on top of trying to study for school.

I hope you can understand.

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Dear Mr S,

Thank you for all the times you have been there for me. At this point I feel like stopping therapy is right for me. Please don't wait for me and please cancel my next appointment. I would like to not reschedule anymore sessions for now either.

Best wishes,

S

P.s Please keep those books safe for me and I will collect them when I'm eventually back in London.

I kind of want to email you because I am worried about the session this coming Tuesday and how you will react. I feel like emailing you beforehand would be helpful. But I don’t want to ask my mom for your email and have her ask me stuff.

I am grateful for you listening to me and your support with dealing with my self esteem issues.

Friday is a long way away. Stupid holidays.

Sometimes just really hurts.

I feel so raw because of what happened earlier tonight and my mind keeps dredging up other painful things. Feels like salt in a wound. Hope I feel better tomorrow.

I told you that I found your wife's public instagram account a while ago, but back then she only had three photos in 2017. Now she's been uploading much more frequently . I didn't want to tell you because she might obviously make it private like with her facebook account, but I like seeing more insights into your home like your piano and your posters in your dinning room. But it kinda hurts a bit seeing you with your daughter picking out a Christmas tree.

The biggest thing I am preoccupied with regarding my move is what my next therapist will be like. I am barely thinking of what the house will look like, or my new job. I am just really focused on what therapy will be like. You had an impact on me that I hope and won’t hope will be easy to replace.

Can we meet at the beach again or was that a one-time thing? I mean, whatever, I don't care. I don't care if I don't see you waving at me across the sand again. It was stupid anyway. And remember when we came across the drawing in the sand? I mean, whatever. That was stupid too.

we seriously need to talk.

Can you make tomorrow not suck, please?

(Yes, I realize that I also contribute to it not sucking. But still.)

Back to feeling that disconnection, and not so hopeful that things will be the same ever. Back to feeling so distant and unsure if therapy is working. Amazing how things change so fast. How you matter so much and now i think i can let you go! Though i am feeling very depersonalized at the moment. Even the phone i am trying on feels fake. My thoughts seem slow and moments too. At times time seems as though its frozen, i call for you and no sound. This is so unreal. At times not sure i want to be real, i continue to not see what is in front of me and missing the important things. Its all in my head though. All in my head.

Honestly think I've made a mistake.

Stopping therapy before a exam is NOT a good idea.

I'm feeling so much more anxious.

Hope you can offer me an extra session.

Thanks for being lovely on Saturday and trying to help me with the hallucinations.

Dear T,
Thanks for handling my fear about your dying so well. I think I just needed to get that out. I feel a bit calmer now, like a weight has been lifted from me. And thanks for the unsolicited reassurance about the thing with H at the end. It helps to know you understand how hard it is to have that sort of talk.
Love,
LT

After that thing h said that i told you about last week, well he said something yesterday that made me feel the same way all over again and worse and I'm never eating again. He made me feel fat, and ugly, and undeserving.

December is going to suck, which you might agree if you knew about it.... is this the year i finally say 'screw it' and don't do ANY holiday stuff?! (and be done with everyone - IRL)

I spent most of today trying hard not to self harm and crying on and off. This would be defined as a crisis for me.The funny thing is that I can not reach you at all, but I'm pretty sure you've already read my email which I sent 35 hours ago but chosen to ignore it, for the sake of the greater good.

I have no safety net. I live alone and I feel really really bad.

I searched and found my own post from the 22nd october 2020. Another crisis and I've talked about exactly the same thing that I could not reach you despite even giving you a missed call. Yes I did get through it eventually but it so was very hard.

I'm asking for extra help and I feel like you can't see me at all. I'm angry but mainly at myself for putting up with this.

Maybe I am just being manipulative and dramatic but please do cancel my upcoming session and I won't be paying for not attending this time.

I am so happy you encouraged me not to deflect and to stick with the subject of loss today, and it amazes me that something can seem impossible one minute, and easy enough just a couple of minutes later, with your understanding and kind words. You are helping me feel alive, and have a life again, and that is worth every penny and SO much more. You deserve a medal

Sent a hello text as i have urges of reaching out to you and did so. Not expecting a response. Session on the 10th and really still unsure if will continue into 2021. I am giving up on the VA to straighten up the Optum credentials or whatever is going on. 90 plus days, been since August!!! If i hear its not forever one more ****ing time i will blow it!!! So used to be screwed by the ****ing VA.

I think i should let you go. And yet feel i need to stay with you incase something bad happens as i sense that all the time. I could start on a good bye letter and make an appointment or send it to you after Dec appt if i decide to leave you. Something to think about. 7 years Dec 3rd... really only made it 6 years 8 months.

Not even 8am and I'm already crying.

I'm so very sad.

...........

They’ve approved the vaccine over here...maybe I’ll get to see you f2f by spring 2021. It’s what’s keeping me going tbh....I hope it happens. Every cell in my body aches for it to happen.

Maybe it is my fault. You did ask at the end of our last session if I wanted a second session in general. On friday I was okay though. Is it okay for me to leave because I want to be treated better, or am I just being dramatic and it's like you said I "wanted you on tap" and I need to learn to be more dependent but using your method is so painful.

I'm just a spoiled brat. Don't have anything to complain about.

I've been too ill to actually study two days in a row and I'm running out of time for an exam 13 days away.