Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Honestly I do love you Artie bean. I hope you know that.



Yes to the soup!

Please be gentle with me, T. I know you like to get all hard-edged but it just scares me when you do that.

I’m not going to see you face to face this year, am I? I think that as more time passes, I get more and more obsessed and uneasy. I will see you again properly, right? Maybe next spring? You won’t just decide to stick with video sessions, right?. The last time I asked you, you said you “hoped” face to face would happen soon. That implies you are planning on returning, right? Right??You won’t just decide it’s not worth it—you care about this. You have to care about this.

It was amazing to get your message earlier and even more so to think I might see you before long....see you after all this when I believed I'd never see you again. Not sure I'll ever be able to tell you how scared I was when I know you were too.

Friday is still a long time away.

Looking forward to talking tomorrow and telling you all about the session I had on Friday. I know we can't spend the whole time talking about that and need to spend some time on the tougher stuff too.

I’m thinking about the comment you made about my clothes in our last session. I’m wearing dark colors today too, but I just naturally wear neutrals. Is that really clinically significant?

I just want you to make me feel better but you won't. I am frozen in wanting.

Dear T,

What were you referencing when you said "something you might even deserve at this point"? Deserve? Are you talking about love or something? Or simply actually saying the words "I care about you" instead of "I care about your well-being"? I'm just really wondering what you meant there. And I appreciate that you're trying to avoid hurting me, but it's also difficult to hear you essentially say you're actively withholding. The problem is, you can't tell me what it is if you're withholding it... And what's with the comment regarding the risks of it becoming more friendship-like? I wasn't talking about that. Is there a bunch of countertransference of some form (paternal? erotic? both?) going on here or something?
Love,
LT

Is adopting me totally out of the question? Obviously due to Covid, we would need to wear masks at all times and I accept that. However, assuming I add a Covid clause, should I arrange the adoption papers? Why isn't this ok? You could bake and knit for me! I could gaze adoringly at you over the open fire. What heavenly love! I mean, you would need to learn to stop jabbering on so much and that persistent partner of yours would need to move out, but we must all make compromises for the greater good. And what greater good can we imagine than this?

I want to be bad.

I am very loopy because of my migraine medicine. I expect to have fun in session

Last week I asked for your help in approaching my anger.
This week, I would like to pretend that conversation didn't happen.
Please don't let me.

This song features on the last album by one of my favourite artists. It sums up how I'm living this haze.

We haven’t met for seven or eight months.
I’m glad we can keep in touch by phone.
I’m glad I have pictures and a video of you.

I’m afraid we may never meet again.

Dear T,
I'm so confused from what you said today. I'm going to try to take (platonic) love from it. I hope I'm interpreting correctly. I know you would never say it. But the "deserve" thing seems bigger than "I care about you."

Love,
LT

I feel like I'm going to burst and splatter all over the room.

I wish I had some chocolate. I went to the grocery store today but all I got for myself were some grapes and popsicles. I couldn't be bothered to buy stuff to actually feed myself... only reason I went was because my dog needed food.

I think I’m going to send you an email really explaining how I felt about the session. In a non *****y sort of way.

Honestly I feel like crying this morning.

Sorry if I'm being pathetic but I'm just so tired.

Please reply to my email about the big trigger...

I hate to sound like a broken record, but I really don’t think I can do this anymore.
I don’t think I’ll survive it.
Too much pain.
I don’t want to be me anymore.

Thanks for the text reminder. Looking forward to talking today.

I really feel like I’ll never see you again and I can’t believe this could end like all the other times. I can’t do this anymore.

i may fall asleep before we talk. ugh.

well that was a quite energizing session. i really enjoyed talking about my experience this past friday. i liked your comment about what you saw in my eyes today. cuz it's exactly how i feel. i know a lot of people (like my son and h) think this shamanic stuff is hooey - but not me. i have felt and seen the benefits from it big time especially this particular session - he's the real deal, man. So grateful for the referral. Like I told you today, I can definitely see contacting him again in the future for another session.

And, I'm finally ready to work through the stuff I keep running away from.

So, let's do this, shall we? Onward!!!

ps: thank you for saying that I'm on my way. I think, at long last, that I am.