Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

How could you leave that text message unanswered? You don't give a s--- about me and you never have. This whole project is all just an onanistic power trip for you, isn't it? You like how much your patients need you and how much you can think Deep Effing Thoughts about them and write about them and that's it. My life, my personhood, means nothing to you.

You're trying to fix something that happened to you as a child by becoming a professional and treating narcissists like your father, but you know what? It'll never work. You're still going to be the same wimpy pathetic piece of crap you always have been, and that will never change.

I'm not showing up to session on Friday. Send the police to my house; see if I care.

Haha, you didn't think I'd remember that the "Me Day" you're taking off is your birthday. Caught ya off guard!

Dear T,
Could you please decide what you're doing with time off at the end of the year? I guess before when I mentioned it, I figured it might just be a couple days off. Then today I asked about a week, and you said you really should get on figuring that out. So...could you try to do that so I have a little notice and time for us to discuss it if it's going to be like a 10-day thing? Because I haven't gone more than a few days without "seeing" you since March, and for the past 6 months or so, I think the longest stretch has been maybe 4 days? So...I just want to know is all. Of course, the needy and selfish part of me doesn't want you to take more than a few days off, but you also really deserve a break. I just don't want to only find out about it a few days before.

Love,
LT

By the way, you looked lovely this afternoon. That dark green color is really you, you should wear it more often.

I think you are going to discontinue seeing me very soon. I told that T in 2018 my main issue was not my autism. I was very persistent. Guess who was right all along? Thanks for being traumatic.

one more session then we won't be seeing each other for awhile... I am so happy for you that you're taking a real vacation after all this time, you do deserve it! you've put up with me for a long time, dude. i know i'm not always a picnic haha.

Thank you for your support this morning. It was a helluva session.

You're a visual thinker, I think in songs. Your reminder at the end of session today made me think of this.




George's last public performance.

And just like the rest of them you let me down. I know I’m being probably being unreasonable and the hurt, angry and lonely little child has taken over but I hate you right now. Just f***k off and leave me alone. You’ve never understood me anyway. You don’t have the knowledge or experience to handle someone like me, just admit it rather than pretending you’re Mr Awesome. Urgh you make me sick.

I also wanted to say that I kinda like it when it feels like you don't want me to leave any more than I want to leave. I wish we could have talked for another coupla hours yesterday.

Yup. Just got your list of referrals if I don’t go to the hospital for an assessment. Why do I not care.

I know you have other clients and I’m not the first one in crisis and it is your weekend. But I find it a little bit rude to put up your “out of office” email before responding to my first email and then put it up the second I sent my second one. You never used to put up out of office emails during the weekend and I always respected that but this just seems odd.

Last night I spent a long time trying to fall asleep. I heard a huge noise, like a band testing out instruments. It sounded like it came from downstairs, but it scared me and paralysed my legs with fear. While I couldn’t move my legs, I was thinking what instruments I heard...maybe a keyboard? Some kind of guitar. Definitely symbols being clashed together. I opened my eyes and everything was swirling in a cloud of smoke. Finally fell asleep, but woken up really anxious and sick this morning.

You finally gave me an ulcer.

You suck.

Why are you holding on hope that we can keep working together? Are you delusional? Just be sad with me, ok?

its nice to get an actual hour with you. it'll be rough to go back to such a shortened time in January.

I'm glad that you're getting to see me happy - after all the many, many times I've sat there on your couch bawling...

I don't know how to do this.

I miss you. Looking forward to Monday.

What was I thinking?? How could I be so monumentally stupid and careless?? I always screw everything up. Why, why, why???

I'm going to the store to get your birthday card in a little while. I'd like to buy one of those really fancy, glittery ecstatic cards for you, but I think you'll like a plainer one.

I have now been without power for 24 hours. They anticipate we will get it back late Wednesday night. I hope you have power. How will we meet on Tuesday if I do not have power and wifi? As if there isn't enough to stress about.

I just got last year's Christmas card out again. Thank you for the words you wrote, which I still hold close.

What if MY hypothesis is right and I don't deserve kindness/understanding/support? What is the point in me believing that I do deserve that when it won't stop everyone else from giving up and abandoning me, it will just mean that it hurts more...

I dunno, T... if I can't get insurance reimbursement for seeing you from across the country, that may very well be the kiss of death re: seeing you during fellowship year.

Dear T,
I hope you have actually decided if you're taking the full 11 days (or whatever it is) vs. two chunks with a few work days in between by today's session, as you said you intended to. I just want to know. And if you *are* taking the full time off, I'd rather discuss coping options, etc., now rather than right before. I wasn't clear from what you said if you were going to try to find someone who would be working that time or not--like maybe if you could ask around to your T buddies. Well, I guess starting with A, the person I saw in your office suite once. Or maybe you meant other forms of support? I mean, of course I have my friends and H, but maybe you meant scheduling things. Or...something.

Love,
LT