Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I feel anxious and tired.

Hi T. I know I shouldn't worry that you didn't reply to my email. It was titled "rambling thoughts" for a reason. You are not mad at me. Right?

You don't care about me!

12 days and no reply from you.

Sometimes I feel like you tell me things because you think I won’t understand and you know I typically don’t ask questions. Some things shouldn’t be said though.

Dear T: Thanks for your text this morning. You said I make you smile. You're precious.

Pneumo is the most frustrating department I've been in since school started.

Firstly the hospital is not the one I live next to but another one 35 mins away. We were told to come in today. Our normal start time is 8.30am. When we get to the specific area we were told there was no doctor in. We'd already changed so couldn't go back down to our bags. I did have my phone and cards so not too bad I guess. We waited until we got one patient with a nurse at 9.20am and it was literally just a 5 min check. Then even more waiting around until 10am. We were done at 12pm just watching review cases.

I'm actually going to skip tomorrow.

No email back from you to rearrange and to be honest I do feel relieved. I have an excuse to kick up a fuss and be sarky when/if you do eventually remember.

My mental health has been rubbish and I'm having trouble sleeping again. I did still email the other T asking for an intro session.

I spent time with my friend R at her flat.

Song I've had on repeat.

I’ve been stuck here on the floor since you ended the session 1.5hrs ago feeling like a terrified little girl, it’s dark now, and I need to get back in adult mode and I can’t move.

If I don’t hear from you by the end of the work day, I will probably freak out you are mad and/or forgot about me.

I feel as though I'm at my limit.

Please don’t hospitalize me.

Didn't hear from you. Trying not to freak out...

I’m not mad you sent Pdoc that email but I guess I am kinda annoyed you seem to be tattling on me. I honestly can’t tell what’s the surgery and what’s legit mood swings and SAD and stuff and I told him that. I wish we could keep stuff between us though.

Dear R,

I've just completed my presentation with help from my brother.

No email from you to rearrange our friday session. Given that there's only thursday and 6 hours of today left so I'm not exactly feeling hopeful that you will remember. I know I could email asking you but that's not what we agreed and I don't want to after I was ignored just last week.

I'm meeting the another T F tomorrow. His email from yesterday:

" Hi S,

That's ok - I was away visiting family so couldn't do phone calls, but was still doing some work from the computer. Besides, it seemed important to get back to you when you were asking for something last minute."

I emailed him in a "crisis" at the same time as you last week and he also got back to me the same day unlike you. It sounds stupid but it matters to me.

Well I did just email. Didn't want to go through another day checking my inbox repeatedly.

Whew. You were just out of town. Thanks for calling. I know you are worried you can’t help me, but I think talking to you helps, even if it’s just a little.

Thank you very much for acknowledging my email. I really appreciate it.

I’m sorry I tried to die without calling you. But you see, if I want to die then there is no reason to call you, because you only want me to call so you can talk me out of it. It’s the same reason I wouldn’t be able to leave you a suicide note, or say final goodbyes, because you would know my plans then. I could send you a letter because it would take some days to reach you. I feel ok about doing it now, I’m not scared at all.

T, I know, I *know* why you don't answer these emails but I hope you know how much it hurts me.

I would love to tell you every bad thing that is going on in my life. But I know you don't do long term therapy, so I don't. I don't feel I can open up when I am seeing someone else starting November. I don't trust you not to tell my parents. I am afraid that I would say what I've endured and you would report it. I would never forgive myself if he got hurt because I decided to share my personal life. I just can't open up. Sorry

Thanks for today, L. I feel so free. I really truly did let go of a lot of crap during that healing session on the 16th. I'll be forever grateful to you for the referral. Well, for a whole hell of a lot else too, but... you know what I mean.

oh and... when I asked you yesterday "where do we go from here" I wasn't just talking about yesterday, you know. Ooohhhhh... wait just a second.... now I realize why you asked that one question. I'll work on that tonite.

After yesterday's sessions I had a dream that



Have to leave class for class in 35 mins.

I really regret the email. Thank you for replying and saying what I said wasn’t stupid. I don’t know how I’m going to hold on until Tuesday to talk about it. And at the same time I never want to talk about it or see you again. Why do I never learn?! I just want to disappear. I know what I need to do is look after myself but I have aaaaallll the urges to do the opposite And I don’t know which part will win