Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Glittering · Dec 10, 2020, 04:50 PM

So I basically cried all day and all evening today with the exception of the 50 minute video call with you. Why. Stupid teen part hijack. I don’t remember the session properly, I know you had to end it because I couldn’t and then you were just.....gone. And I was alone. The pain is reaching unbearable levels again.

Mountaindewed · Dec 10, 2020, 04:51 PM

After meeting with 5 other mental health care people today and not seeing you for over a week I honestly have kind of forgotten already about you. I did realize that your emails are pretty phoned in since all the emails I’ve gotten from IOP reads a lot like yours do. Just generic and not very personal. The 5 people I met with today also makes me think that I’ve been getting and paying a lot of money for generic therapy sessions for 1.5 years.

Polibeth · Dec 10, 2020, 06:19 PM

Super non-committal response

ArtieTheSequal · Dec 10, 2020, 10:07 PM

I finished my final paper! 17 pages. Just submitted it. Now I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

littleblackdog · Dec 11, 2020, 04:46 AM

If I really do deserve kindness and support then why will nobody talk to me when I am in crisis?
I guess I am just worthless and don't deserve help after all

Possible trigger:

so I tried to kill myself yesterday

Lemoncake · Dec 11, 2020, 07:32 AM

I was reading through my notes from last session.

I'm sorry I really am, but I don't think I want to settle for a "maybe I will".

Lostislost · Dec 12, 2020, 05:49 AM

Pleeeeeaase don't abandon me at Christmas. I know you will, and I know it's nothing to do with me. Everyone needs a break. Fecking shittty stupid Christmas.

Quietmind 2 · Dec 12, 2020, 09:03 AM

It feels like my body is breaking down even as my mental health improves...

Glittering · Dec 12, 2020, 12:33 PM

I’m relapsing. I know it’s stupid but I don’t know what else to do. I feel better already, I feel more in control...but we both know where this path leads and it’s not good. Will you be disappointed? I know you won’t be surprised. I honestly feel this is the only way to survive Christmas.

Lemoncake · Dec 12, 2020, 03:16 PM

One week without you, but your absence has brought up huge amounts of grief about X and my grandmother.

chihirochild · Dec 12, 2020, 03:43 PM

I hate you.

chihirochild · Dec 12, 2020, 03:59 PM

I hate you because you make me feel ashamed and because you won't just effing give me what I want and because in six months you'll never talk to me again like I'm worthless and never meant anything to you.

LostOnTheTrail · Dec 12, 2020, 05:54 PM

Random images and sensations from this day six years ago.

Not nice.

Mountaindewed · Dec 12, 2020, 06:38 PM

Why do I care but not care about you? I know I’ll forget about you the longer I go without seeing you but right now I still think of you. And I wonder how things will be when we start meeting up again in a month or so.

If people try to switch my therapist while I’m in group I am going to be very confused. Because you said you’d still work with me but only if I completed the program. I’ll be gone by May. Can you just stick with me until then?

LonesomeTonight · Dec 13, 2020, 07:56 AM

Dear T,
Really unsettling/creepy dream about ex-MC last night. I may or may not tell you about it. I'm not sure if it actually means anything, though I definitely saw him in a much more negative light after what happened in the dream. It would be really nice if he could just leave my dreams entirely...maybe my subsconscious is still processing some stuff.
Love,
LT

ETA: Also, I guess I didn't even (consciously) remember the anniversary of the rupture with him, as it was a few days ago. Progress?

Rive. · Dec 13, 2020, 10:36 AM

Shall I get drunk, 'dear' T?

ArtieTheSequal · Dec 13, 2020, 11:12 AM

Have a safe flight tomorrow!! And a wonderful vacation.

chihirochild · Dec 13, 2020, 03:50 PM

Baaaaaah. I am insane, completely insane.

Lemoncake · Dec 13, 2020, 04:11 PM

"Holding on to what I haven't got "

atisketatasket · Dec 13, 2020, 06:06 PM

Dear Info,

Yeah, it’s time to move on, isn’t it? A narcissist is gonna narcissist. I should know that by now.

ATAT

Mountaindewed · Dec 13, 2020, 07:09 PM

It’s like that U2 song With or Without you. I’m trying not to care and I’m trying to forget. But it’s honestly still hard. I hope I learn more skills the longer I’m in group. I’ve learned a lot in the 2 days I already attended.

daisydid · Dec 13, 2020, 07:55 PM

Possible trigger:

You said in our last session that the suicidal thoughts would be more problematic if my brain told itself "no one loves me," because then I wouldn't reach out for help. I said then that wasn't what my brain told me, but maybe now that is what it's saying. I know logically that's not true; I have many people in my life that care for me and love me. Yet my brain is telling me that I'm unloved, it's foolish to think that anyone would love me, and I'll never be loved again. So you're right, of course. I won't reach out. What's the point?

just2b · Dec 14, 2020, 12:56 AM

You amaze me! I am so grateful for you. I think that we are all good now. Thanks for the 2 replies and agreeing to a once a week check in email, that means the world to me!!!! Love you but would never tell you that. I mean I have before but never again.

Rive. · Dec 14, 2020, 09:04 AM

It didn't work, did it. What am I going to do now?!

What can I do?

Lemoncake · Dec 14, 2020, 04:48 PM

Despite telling my younger sister to continue with therapy, I don't think I will trust another therapist again.
I'm angry at you.
I'm not the only one who needed to change.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

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