Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear T,
The main line resonating with me from today's session is "I hope you realize by now that I'm not the one who's going to blow up this relationship." Because I think you're right.

Love,
LT

ok. i emailed him and he is available friday morning now we just have to schedule a time to talk on the phone prior because he needs to know what we are going to focus on. waiting to hear back a day/time for said phone call. I'm doing this, within your time line too.

Hey L, so I just talked to him and we're scheduled for Friday at 10am on zoom. We talked briefly about what will be the focus and I'm really looking forward to this. He has a very calming and reassuring voice. I'm glad you told me about this, I think that it is going to be really helpful! I remembered what you said and scheduled it for Friday so I don't have to worry about working the next day. I'll tell you more on Wednesday.

Hi T. Thanks for calling today and talking to me for awhile. I didn't expect that. You really have been here for me through all of this SI stuff. If I ever feel better, I hope I can tell you how much I appreciate it.

Why do you want your clients to ''need'' you and then you abandon them?

I just feel so very sad.

Eugh I wish I hadn't downplayed my feelings when you asked how it felt. I wasn't expecting you to ask, but the truth is it felt GREAT and I thought about it a lot.

i wish i could tell you about the h**l i'm going thru right now (ptsd).

i wish i had it in me to ask for help - cuz this is getting worse year by year! and now without my aunt, there's no one to even remotely sympathize with me and defend me 'to the others' .....

Am I brave enough to have the session we need to have tomorrow?

It's been a weird week - yesterday kind of jumped me.

How is it possible to honour the anniversary of a tainted project?

I miss you. It’s been 9 days since I saw you.

You need more commitment from me?! How about we talk about your commitment for a change? How about a commitment to not be an old badger for a change?!

Dear T,
See, that's an area where you shine as my therapist--stuff involving D. And helping to problem solve with that. And suggesting how to talk to H about some of it. I could feel your empathy. And this is the sort of thing I need to help me get through the pandemic. And is what makes me very reluctant to leave, despite other issues we have. Pretty sure I'm just gonna tell the guy this afternoon that I've decided to stay with you for the foreseeable future. Maybe once (if?) the pandemic ends, then I'll reconsider. But I need you right now--I need that understanding of my situation and my relationships.
Love,
LT

thinking about my session later today and wondering how uncomfortable it is going to be. last week i was so overcome by shame it was exhausting trying to be apart from it. i realized a few days ago well duh, of course i spend a lot of time all up in my head, why would i want to be down in this body that holds so much shame?! And, you were NOT "too gentle". Not.Ever. I needed gentle. If you had been like you were last week from the get-go, I would have bolted and never looked back. I could not have handled it. Little Artie/I needed you to be the good mother that she didn't get and she needed it for a long time, apparently, to rewire some things in my brain.

Ha! And apparently you must know that I am thinking about you right now because as I am typing this, your "see you at 4pm" text just popped in!

....and a bitmoji to boot. You're so funny.

Dear Schema Guy,
I'm glad I still met with you today. You seem nice and like you know what you're talking about. I'm going to have to give a lot of thought of whether to ask Dr. T about possibly seeing us both. I'm a little afraid of how he'll react--like if this were 2 years ago, I imagine he'd have been fine with it. But now? I'm less sure. I'm also glad you're will to do a consult on my therapy, if I end up wanting that, before I'd make a real decision. Well, mainly if Dr. T said he'd rather not do the collaborating. And *of course* you said "take care" at the end. Because you're like a normal T.

--LT

Been pushing down bad feelings all day but it's getting the best of me. Feeling negative towards myself for no reason I can identify.

Something did just trigger me a minute ago, though, and I hate it. Feel really pathetic and like a huge loser. You would say I need to not say negative stuff like that to myself... but I've never been one to stick my head in the sand and "pathetic" and "loser" are kind of accurate. Maybe not of me overall as a person, but certainly about this.

I really like your bitmojis, you know, did a good job with it, it so looks like you haha!

I really hope you are ok and nothing bad is happening. Why do I feel like it is?

thanks for today. this body stuff is hard. i seriously meant it when i said i don't know how to 'talk' to my shoulder for instance and listen to what it says. or my stomach or whatever. but you know something - as i got in my car to come home after i put my purse on the seat, i think i did hear my shoulder say "why in hell does your purse have to weigh 100 lbs?!" it was exaggerating of course, but i got the message. i'm going to go look for my fanny pack and seriously pare down what i carry.

I’m having unhealthy thoughts because of my physical discomfort. It wouldn’t be a good idea to use the weighted blanket right now. I’m not actually in a crisis it’s just sensory issues. I ordered some stuff though. Not sure when I can use it but it’s coming Saturday.

y'know how we talked about how the good little girl is not so much in evidence with school anymore? well she's trying to creep back in today as I'm starting to work on my presentation for next week. I totally recognize that it's her in my head thinking "omg i'm going to completely screw this up I need to just withdraw from the class while I still can! I can't do this! i'm too stupid! aaaagggghhhhhh!"

(and YES, I do see how this pattern of mine to want to run away when things get hard, because I might fail, might be rejected, it so intertwined with this core wound I'm working through right now.)

BUT. because I know now that she isn't me, that I created her, not the other way around, I know I can choose to not listen to her. I may need to play some classical music or something in the background while I work on this to drown her out, but I'm not going to let her ruin this for me. I want this psych degree and I can't get it without this class.

I don't know. Worried about you.

Got exams dates for november.Sign up is on saturday.

Spent 4 hours at R's trying to get my essay done and it was nice. Just got back now and I'm exhausted.

My anxiety has been bad for the past two days. My area has set a record number of cases today. Practical classes have been cancelled for all year groups minus us and I'm going to try to stop reading the news.

Thank you for the support through our texts it was really helpful.