Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I'm fighting fighting fighting the urge to withdraw from this stupid class. Why do I do this to myself? I'm too stupid and pretending like I'm not. But I don't want to quit. I can't let this dumb complex win. I can't. I want to do this.

You're like all the others, you promise you will be there for me. You lied

Just a presentation to get through today, but my stomach hurts from the anxiety.

Thank you L, I'm a little nervous about today but have been looking forward to it as well, I will be taking notes of course and will share everything with you on Wednesday.

i don't know why on earth i'm so nervous about this!!

Dear T,
When we were talking about ex-MC and how it seems I've gotten past that, based on a few things recently, I had a thought but didn't share it. Is the reason I've been able to get past him in part because I've shifted that transference/attachment to you?
Love,
LT

As I was driving home from walking that dog I've mentioned, my mood plummeted sharply. I feel dreadful. I'm not sure what caused that. Parent called during the drive, so maybe that's it? But although I don't really feel like talking to them (or anybody, tbh), I don't understand why that would have pitched me into this mood.

Something hurts. Wish I knew what it was.

Also, I keep wondering if not answering my text from Tuesday is some sort of test. It wasn't an important text, but you've never failed to respond since that time I asked you a question and you ignored me and we had a rupture. So it's just odd. Maybe you saw it when you were busy and forgot to respond. I do that sometimes. Most of me, maybe 85-90%, is not bothered by the lack of response. But the remaining 10-15% is... I'm not sure. Maybe insecure? I notice that I feel like being dramatic towards you and flinging accusations about how you don't care about me. I don't want this impulse to be about the lack of response, but I'd really have to bury my head in the sand to claim it's entirely unrelated.

I know you won't respond to my email because that's the "agreement" (especially since the email isn't especially urgent). But I really do wonder if I'm going to escalate.

I realize that saying "I wonder if I'm going to escalate" sort of falsely puts me outside of the locus of control. Like, maybe a better patient would be saying, "I refuse to let myself escalate..." but that's not what's happening.

I'm kind of angry at you and I'm not sure why. I think it might be because you want to take my longing away from me, and I am attached to that longing. Or maybe because I am doing what you ask, trying to see you more three-dimensionally, and that highlights some of your shortcomings.

Either way, I wish like hell you would respond to my email, even though I know you won't.

Pleeeeeeease

If you could just read my mind and help me please right now I really need it I'm so broken I can't stand it. It's unbearable

L! oh my gosh thank you for the suggestion that I do that session that I did this morning. It was pretty amazing. Can't wait to tell you about it.

Thank you so much for telling me you missed me. Your words were gold.

In reflecting on yesterday's session I see something so very clearly with regards to 'us'. I am going to want to talk about that.

Yeah, I escalated. And then emailed you. And now am intermittently panicking about whether or not you're going to fire me. I know I should have told you a long time ago, but... I just couldn't.

i don't wanna wait til wednesday to talk about all of this. SO MUCH happened yesterday in that session!!

... and I was feeling a little light-headed earlier which he'd said might happen, so I went out in my backyard and leaned against one of my trees. nice and grounding.

Currently sat crying.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I've come down with a cold and all I want is somebody to come and look after me.

Nothing makes me feel

Please don’t mention the psych hospital when I see you on Tuesday. I am in absolutely no shape physically to even consider going there.

My stomach hurts really bad.

hugs dear Lemon. Wish i could bring you a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a nice warm afghan for you to snuggle up in.

Pay attention to me, damn you.

You are on my mind this morning. Probably because I finally remembered a dream again and it made me think about what you said time before last about dream work and it makes me feel a little bit sad. This relationship is changing again, isn't it.

Does it have to hurt so much?

Dear T,
Glad I kept today's session. Lots of insights in there. And thanks for being understanding about the other T. I think it's good I'm seeing you tomorrow rather than Wednesday, because this felt very much like a "to be continued" conversation.
Love,
LT