Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I can’t do this anymore I can’t do this anymore I can’t do this anymore I can’t do this anymore I can’t do this anymore I can’t do this anymore I can’t do this anymore I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.

Dear T,
It has not been a good day here at the LT house. Wish I could talk to you right now, but we'll talk tomorrow. (Related: not doing so well with the drinking today, but trying to be kind to myself about it, as I'm sure you will, too. I still didn't start before I'd intended to, so I'll try to hold on to that as a victory.) Also worried about what our governor will say in an hour...I was relieved in a way Tuesday (while also thinking he wasn't doing enough), now worried it will be in the other direction, and I'll lose one of my outlets...
Love,
LT

Thank you for asking for my help earlier. I am at my best when I am in Professional Lost mode.

I did tell you in our last session and on tuesday that I would email to arrange another session- so don't wait for me.

I don't want to talk.

I’ve been doing the unhealthy things we are talking about. But at the next session I will be saying that I’ve looked over the work page you gave me and that I did good with everything and I won’t mention those things. It’s worse for me when you are mad at me. It puts me in a bad funk that I have to claw my way out of and that is worse then any other unhealthy behavior going on.

Looks like the thing I said was definitely a mistake. I didn’t mean to say ‘we’ anyway. If I could do it on my own, I would.

Dear T: Thanks for texting me to say you are looking forward to seeing me tomorrow. Not only was that a subtle way of reminding me of my appointment but it was also sort of sweet too. Thanks T.

I can't do this. It's too much.

Why do I feel guilty for skipping today?

Seeing you come online at my normal session time, but I didn't call. I always used to say that I'll email you to arrange another session, but I still always showed up anyway on a friday.

What if I feel like I've made a mistake and I'm asking you to let me back in a short while?

I skipped because I needed to be seen and heard even if it was out of session time.

If we really can meet f2f come January I will be so excited! I miss you and wish I could talk with you today. By January we'll have been doing teletherapy for 9 months! I'm amazed that we're pulling this off.

I don’t understand why you reply to some emails and not others.

I really want to text you and ask for help but I won’t.

I’m thinking of the time in February when you were seriously considering hospitalizing me so after the session I went to a Longhorn Steakhouse to hide out in case there was an ambulance waiting for me at my house. That was the last time I ate at a restaurant and that whole incident makes me sad for a number of reasons.

It was so nice to see you. Wasnt as bad as i thought. Internal world very quiet until the end when you said time was up and you need to go. That stung! then the major hit was see you in DEC. I want to email you more than i already have. I miss you, more than i like to admit

Gosh am i just so damn emotional!!!

Dear T, thank you for being you, and my therapist.

Dear T,
You seemed very passionate on your views of autism treatment (particularly the biomedical stuff). Your use of phrases like "astronomical cost," referring to not just financial but personal energy and the marriage, and how it might lead to "maybe 5% improvement" sounds like you've definitely had some sort of personal experience with it. Even if ex-T hadn't told me anything (which, as you said, may or may not be currently accurate) or I hadn't seen your wife's post in that one group (and, ok, my going back and reading her earlier posts--still sorry about that!...), I think I'd wonder. Was your wife investing lots of time on research and money on treatments without much success, and that caused marital issues? Or maybe it's not about your son, but something that happened with, say, the family of your brother or a close friend? Or just clients? Eh, it seemed more personal than clients....

I'm not going to ask you about it. It just struck me. I do really appreciate your saying I'm doing enough and more than many parents would do. It means a lot, and means perhaps a bit more if you've also been there.

Love,
LT

Dear Mr S---,

I sent a payment for the missed session yesterday.

Thank you for all the time you have spent with me, but I would like to stop therapy for now. I’m also sorry for all the emails I have sent previously.

Best wishes,

S---

P.s Please keep those books safe for me. I'll collect eventually.

Dear T,
Sometimes typing out an email to you (unrelated to earlier post) makes me realize how ridiculous I sound. Like, thinking how you'd (or most any sane person) would react reading it. So I'm going to do my best to take a step back from the worries for now. And spare you the email. Because just picturing the look you might have on your face reading it is enough for me to realize how off the rails my fears are (nothing at all to do with you, incidentally). So unless they get much worse tonight, will just save this as a draft.

Love,
LT

Where do we go from here? I need to ask next week.

want to write to you but no idea what to say. so far all the internal chaos has shutdown. I wonder if my urge to write you is from me the adult part or an urge from my internal world just to reassure that your still there. and then I think its definately from them as its part of the attachment theory, that when a caregiver is out of sight the child will look for reassurance. Cant believe I emailed you something saying just this. Wish I would not act so impulsive. did not want to send it.

I think you are on this site and that’s why our sessions seem to suspiciously change based on what I say on here.

part of me thinks i should reach out to you. another part of me thinks 'why'?! and another part of me argues i 'don't like to need anyone'!?! and another part of me wishes you never 'see' this side of me....


on another note -> something may be happening that could crush me and drive me into the 'dark depths'. and without my aunt, i'd 'hide' from everyone - including you, even though you might be the only human IRL to give a dam ....
there's that side of me that wonders if you'd even notice if that happened

Hey t, grief is bulldozing me

You were right - it was the last chapter of the book.

'That's how a perfectionist suffers - silently!'

There's so much to unpack through my reading of that book. Thank you for recommending it. I don't know whether I enjoyed it, but I am finding it useful.

Do I still have value even if I can't pass exams the first time around?
Even If I can't manage to go outside for a walk because it feels like it's too much?
Even If I stay in bed for most of the day watching Lord of the ring movies?

Have to pull myself together I guess. My next exam Social will be in december on either the 14 or 16th. Online classes and self study only.