Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I finally did the Active with the irish pub dream. I have no idea why I was resisting it so hard. And I actually won at Scrabble tonight, miracle of miracles.

Your prediction or wish of lots of snow is coming true... Why did you have to be right????

I don’t want to write that email about why I don’t want to talk with you about stuff pertaining to intimacy between the BF and me. I just don’t want to talk about it with you, ok? Can you just leave it alone?

I'm sick of ****

I never told you any of this, but around the end of Jan I began chatting to someone online. She is almost 25 years older than me. but I've been beginning to feel like she has been playing that mother role for me which I always craved from you.

I didn't come to session last week, because for the first time I didn't want to see you. My friends here said they were proud of me for asking for help and emailing for an appointment with a psychiatrist, but instead after I told you the first thing you came up with was me sneaking behind your back and cheating on you like my father did to my mother. Don't say I didn't tell you that I was struggling, because I did and saying you wished you could help me more didn't help me. I know I stayed longer then I should have, but it stopped feeling right in august and I tried to ignore it and hope that we could fix it, but it was the last straw and I can't save this anymore.

Dear T,
I think we need to talk about how you've taken on a considerably larger number of clients than you'd prefer to have right now, because of the mental health need in the area. Part of me feels guilty for taking up 3 slots when you could be helping more people. Part of me also feels guilty for taking up that amount of your time, because maybe if I dropped to twice a week right now, you wouldn't add another client, and then you'd have an extra hour to yourself each week. But then part of me also hates that you're less available now, like for extra sessions or responding to email. Like part of me feels like, "Hey, I was here first!" And then there's the part that worries you're going to get burned out seeing this many clients and either provide less-quality care or just suddenly be like, "OK, I need to take 2 weeks off starting now." Well, and I worry that your personal health and well-being will suffer, too, even if it doesn't more directly affect your clients (including me). You just look so tired lately. I hope you're OK and doing enough self-care.

So, yeah, those competing thoughts in me. Plus the fact that my rate is supposed to go back up to what it was on March 1. Do I mention that? Do I ask for an extension or some middle ground between that and my regular rate for a month or two? Would that be terribly selfish of me? But then if you're seeing a bunch more clients, you're also getting more income (though I feel guilty thinking that...). Like, could I just get one more month at that rate, so I feel better about doing 3 times a week (from a financial perspective), while we see what happens with schools, in the hopes that, if things go as planned, it takes a huge weight off of me? And gives me more time to practice self-care? Or do I just suck it up and pay the higher rate because you deserve it, and I figure out financially how long I can do 3x a week? I mean, it's not a case of whether I could technically manage...it's how much I'd have to give up to do that. And that means I need to figure out exactly how important/vital this is to me vs. other things.


The other thing is, you said a month ago how if I drop to twice a week, then realize I do still want/need 3x, you'd be able to fit me in. But I worry if that's still the case? I suppose I could just ask you... I guess I could go with some sort of middle ground and do 2 regular and 1 half session a week. Maybe I try that in mid-March? I think I need to talk about all of this with you, but when I've asked before about transitioning from 3 to 2, you said you weren't sure how it would be best to do that. But maybe we can talk about it again?

Love,
LT

Hey L. Well, so far so good on the 2 week thing, at least in theory. Unless the nightmare night before last is trying to tell me otherwise. I do wonder why this low self-esteem thing has decided to come back with a vengeance as we begin the house-buying process in earnest. I can't help it, I feel guilty and greedy and other kinds of bad for going along with h on this and wanting a newer house than the old one we live in now. I had been dead-set against it at first but the more we look at new-er houses the more I want to move, actually am getting excited about it, which further fuels the guilt and anxiety about it all. Which in turn makes me feel like a spoiled ****ing princess wanting your help with these feelings when so many people have so much worse problems than mine. Maybe I should cancel Friday. I don't know what to do. But then I hear you talking about how each of us doing our individual work is important to the world at large and I know I won't cancel.

Dear T,
Why do you give me so much? I don't deserve it...
Love you,

LT

I don’t want to mess up tomorrow by being sick or being in pain or whatever. I want to have a good productive session. But it’s tough right now. I wonder if what I’m feeling towards you right now is that transference thing. I mean if we have to end sooner because I’m sick then we have to end I guess.

After some more thought today prompted by a dear person here on PC who shared her thoughts with me, I am very much looking forward to my session on Friday.

Random thought T. I hope you don't get your second dose on a Thursday, bc I hear it knocks people out, and then you'd have to cancel my appt on a Friday. I know, I'm worrying way ahead of time and there is nothing I can do if it happens. Still...

Hope it's OK to reply. My T got his second dose on a Thursday, and I was convinced he'd have to cancel my Friday session (and was puzzled that I thought he might have to cancel). Nope, he was fine. So you might be OK, even if he does schedule it then.

I taught two classes through feeling crappy after my second dose.

I had a dream last night that you took little me to the zoo and held my hand all the way round and then bought me a soft toy whale that is a baby version of the one my son has and then you tucked me into bed with it. It was so so lovely but I can’t imagine ever telling you for real, adult me is so deeply ashamed.

Also, the cat almost certainly has lymphoma. I really don’t want her to die. I want a hug from you. Really badly.

I’m kinda getting nervous about seeing you. I have a lot to tell you and also the thought of getting a new therapist in 2 weeks is making me a bit nervous. Although I am also excited about it.

I’m sure you’ll be concerned about me after I tell you what went on this past week. But I do not think you being concerned will make me feel better. It may bring on transference and I am worried transference will affect my health even more. But then again, I kinda do want you to worry.

So you weren’t as concerned as I thought you’d be. And honestly it was quite a relief. I feel like I can function now instead of dwelling all day about how worried you are.

1 hour, 2nd day will be done - do I tell you? Did you get my comment and able to calculate the meaning? I know I talked in a lot of code yesterday. It frustrates me that I am not more blunt about stuff. On the flip side, my anxiety about sharing that stuff with you wasn't so bad I had to email you or result to really anything outside my normal life. There were some feelings and stresses. I was able to manage them pretty well.

Why are you suddenly cutting our sessions short? It's causing me to feel uneasy.

At one time, your disclosure would have been thrilling to me. Now, I feel sad about it. I feel sad about me, about you, and about how I feel about you. I feel sad that, even after all this time, my impulse is to push you away and sever our connection.

Can you just effing respond to my effing email that I didn’t want to send you about the thing I didn’t want to talk about?!?!

thanks guys I'm sure it will be fine, and I know its not the end of the world if she cancels. I don't even know when she's getting the second dose.

Remember me telling you back when long term T passed I had fears of something happening to you? It has been less intense the last year or so but still very much there. Finding out you had a skiing accident over the weekend has really brought that to the surface. I know you said you sprained you knee and ankle, but still. Since I could see your leg how bad is it?? You said it will be a while before you go running, that is you major self care activity. I wanted to ask more questions but you quickly guided the conversation to another subject. UGH

All these triggers lately. I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I feel the need to block everybody out. It is safer here, no explaining to people where I am at...especially since I do not know how to explain it. Nor do they they worry about me or feel the need to be comforted. You and long term T know/knew exactly what to do and say in order to help me through times like this. I just can't bring myself to ask you since my appointment was only yesterday

Dear T,
I'm glad we have the sort of relationship now where I can say something like, "I was really tempted to flip you off there, but I resisted." And you can smile and say you're glad I didn't actually do that, but will just pretend that I did. But, I mean, that was a very "I told you so" sort of comment you made...and you very much knew that it was!
Love,
LT

I liked how subliminal you were being yesterday. I told you the week before that I was getting clingy and wanting your attention all the time. But yesterday you acknowledged my issues and were nice about it but didn’t give me the attention you usually would. I didn’t realize it until later last night. It was a good strategy I’ve only seen skilled mental health professionals or sociopaths use.

Also sorry if that song I had you listen to creeped you out. I didn’t mean anything by it. But if you hadn’t listened to it I would have been a bit lost. It was kind of like closure with you.