Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Can you make this ache go away?

Please?

I received the COVID shot today. I was nervous and have been apprehensive do to potential side effects. The deciding factor is if I want things to get back to normal so I can see people and eventually go back to in person sessions with you I have to do it. I really hate teletherapy.

I am so annoyed that you aren't perfect.

I really really wish we had worked more with touch before Covid happened. I know I can’t expect it now, with social distancing, but I feel sad that you never offer to touch me or for me to touch you. I feel confused that you don’t think that would be the most healing thing for me. I don’t feel like it’s possible for any touching to be misinterpreted, my need for it is pure.

I feel like a child that has to beg for love and touch from their parent, while knowing the parent doesn’t want to love or touch me. I’m done begging and expecting and asking. I really hope you are ok, it’s unlike you to take another holiday so soon.

Thanks for being so understanding about my cancellation. And I appreciate you saying you understand and hope I feel better. I felt sick all this morning but this afternoon I feel better. The antibiotics are working. I do feel bad about cancelling. I haven’t seen you in 6 weeks. But I guess I’m not that dependent on you anymore if I’m putting my health issues first instead of being non talkative during a session because I don’t feel good.

i want to talk more about what i started with last week that we never got back to. i think i know exactly what you're gonna say. but i need to talk about it anyway.

I feel like I'm an overmedicated, complete bore lately. I'm sorry.

Glad it's therapy day tomorrow. I know i just got through a three-week break, and we've been emailing, but i need my session time. It's like i finally got back into the therapy room after your break and then 90min went by in a flash and it was back to waiting again.

You'd think after all these years i'd be able to handle the week between sessions with a little more class and a little less whining. But here we are, with you going about your week and me being a big ol' whiny, needy, want-y baby.

See you in 22.5 hours. Not that i'm counting.

I realise I might have been the 'Guy' in our relationship. Messaging you, giving you gifts, being overly keen. I hate it when Guy does that to me, but the difference is I tell him I hate it. I never reciprocate so I don't encourage him. Is that what you are doing? I would rather plain old honesty from you.

Maybe I can see your wife for reiki and get some touch therapy that way. I wonder if you would let me do that.

I awoke with a heavy, sad heart this morning, L. I'm going to go drum for a couple minutes before I start work to see if that will help. Everything's just getting to me again I guess. I'd been handling everything pretty well but this morning... I dunno. Maybe I just had a nightmare that I don't remember and this is residuals from that. Sigh. Well I will see you on Friday.

I can’t tell if you don’t like me or if you just see things differently then I do. You confuse me sometimes.

I hope that email I just sent doesn’t piss you off. I’m honestly contemplating terminating things to save my own mental health.

Dear T,
It means a lot to me that you said if I opted to switch to 3 sessions next week that you'd "make time for me." That it may not be my preferred time slots, but you'd find the time. That means so much...

And thanks for being open to my talking about my mixed feelings about your getting vaccinated tomorrow. You helped calm my fears. And I appreciated your saying that you felt a bit guilty for being eligible right now. And knowing you aren't totally changing your habits and precautions. I really do wonder where I rank in "clients you feel you could help more in person" in terms of when you start seeing clients in person again. I know from what you said that it would be at least 2 months from now. But I wonder if you'd let me come in, at least occasionally? With your trying to space out in-person clients, maybe even at least once every other week? I imagine you haven't figured any of it out yet, so it wouldn't do me any good to ask. Though part of me wants to be like, "Could I maybe at least see you once in person in that first month you see clients again?" I'd even be willing to come in at like 8 am or something.

Be safe getting the vaccine....
Love you,

LT

6th session without you tomorrow.

**** you for leaving. I was just getting comfortable.

I made it through my work meeting. Now I'm not sure what to do with the rest of this weird anniversary. There's a stream of expletives on the tip of my tongue, but I can't voice them.

So. Where do we go from here?

The ball is in your court..

Dear T,
I'm worried you'll have a bad reaction to the vaccine. I said it really quickly at the end of session yesterday, and you just said you hoped you didn't have a bad reaction, too. But I'm worried about it right now, even as I know you'll probably be fine. I thought about emailing you about next week's schedule, figuring you'd at least respond by tomorrow morning, and then I'd know you survived at least. But maybe I should just be direct regarding what I'm looking for...I wish I'd brought that part up a minute or two earlier, and then maybe I could have said, "Hey could you just send a quick email once you get the shot?" Or maybe that wouldn't have been good, because if you'd forgotten, I'd have worried something bad happened...

If you were a friend or family member, I wouldn't even have to give any thought to this--I'd have just texted/messaged, "Hey, hope the shot went OK!" or "How'd the shot go?" But this feels different because you're my T. Eh, I'll probably send something. Even if you don't reply till tomorrow morning, better than wondering about it till Monday.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Thanks for replying so quickly to my asking if the vaccination went OK. It meant a lot. Hope you have a restful weekend with few side effects.
Love,
LT

I am having really bad si again, I am losing my health insurance in 16 days. I think that’s it for me. I done with this life.

I'm massively frustrated.

I have no idea what’s going to happen on Tuesday when we meet. But I’m really worried. The last time this happened in 2015 I ended up IP after an overdose. I still believe you are not like that one therapist I had. But I’m worried you will just leave me hanging with no support when I really need it right now.

No, I do not want a Hallmark movie. But, I have to admit, after you said that it felt good telling you not to be a smarta$$! Actually what it is, the reason I said that comment back to you, was because you were treading on the territory where you bring out the negative mother crap and I did NOT want that to happen.

I know life's not perfect; I've had 58 trips around the sun. But why is it so wrong for me to wish that my friends wouldn't be so hateful to each other?! And how can you not see that posting something about the karpman triangle and asking people if they recognize themselves in it would just cause MORE hateful posts? For pete's sake, woman, that would be taking the moral high ground way more than what i said about how during this time in our lives we need to love each other, not be hateful. Asking them to see where they fit on your precious triangle would be like preaching to them or something, dude. Oh man, I love you and stuff but you were way off base on that one.

I'm thinking about it now and wondering how do you have any friends if you do stuff like that?!

Why didn't you answer my text?

Wishing you that thought. I wonder if we'll ever talk about it. I wonder if talking about it would cause a problem - would it be crossing a line?