Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Hi R,

I have an unholy vulnerability hangover after yesterday. I'm aching all over.

Thank you for being present for me in this maddening time.

Convinced my 17 year old sister to try therapy again.

Her first session would be the same day as my exam.

Of COURSE the little part wants to draw you a picture with crayons, but there is NO WAY the teen part is going to allow it, she thinks you’re taking the piss, you’re dangerous and there is no way that stupid child part is going to make us all vulnerable by going along with your silly ideas.

Dear T

What a year we’ve had, huh? This pandemic really changed our dynamic. We have found ourselves both friends and client/therapist at the same time, but separately. Will this work in the long run? Who knows. But we discuss it enough and check in on each other. It’s almost like some experiment..

But I feel so much more open with you in therapy. We’ve progressed much further because I trust you more now that I’ve spent with you outside of the room (as painting friends). You’ve also been pushing me really hard though.

Still thinking about when you said this: “I know I am really pushing you and confronting you right now. But this is what we need to do here. As much as I consider us friends outside of here, we have to put that aside in here”

Please don't give up.

A huge realization ...the moment I FELT that you are a therapist, has completely change my perspective on us. I genarally FELT you were caring, supportive, compassionate, etc etc...and then the moment that an authorization issue comes into play, your words you said" I'm still here" are now meaningless. I realize its not your fault. I truly thought that you cared, but i guess YOU ARE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, once you have to leave, no contact, no cares, noting. Only text sent was one that you would normally send in a reminder appt, damn inspirational messages for the week, sent Oct 23. At first I thought I would be okay, and Iam not. I am so numb, empty, and often dissociative. So much so that my 19 year old was trying to talk to me, which is unlike him, and I missed out on the first 5 mins and could not bare to tell him I wasn't listening or for that matter could not feel anything, while he is telling me he feels like crap and hates himself. I am pretending a lot of the time. I am fine around everyone during the day and can work, but get me in my room and I think about how or what I am wanting to say to you Nov 12. Do I continue therapy or not? I feel this is not something that I can get over. Sitting with feelings that make absolutely no sense in present time is not helpful. I know this is all old baggage. I feel it and its telling me to push you far away! You did nothing wrong, and I do care. My fault for caring. Not sure Iam processing anything. I can only allow a small amount of hurt, pain, and sadness to enter at a time, and then back to numbness and dissociation. And yet that is not helping me parent my two kids. My 13 year old has missing homework that brought down his grade to failing, and I can not deal with him telling me to get off his back about homework. So made an agreement to NOT talk about JOBS with my 19 year old and homework with the 13 year old with the expectation that he is writing down his assignments and checking them off. And talking to his own therapist.
This is how numb I am and dissociative i am. I dont want to deal with my kids issues. What a great parent, right!!?!??! Do i bother telling you all this , summarize this in a 60 min session?? I think what is the point? What is the point in even talking about anything? Just because I do not text or email I sure hope you know that means nothing...i try, but delete. I cant help but think what is the ****ing point?? Your not going to respond, and we arent going to have a lot of time to talk will have to wait another 30 days til Dec. trying not to care sucks, caring sucks, this all sucks. often want to start drinking again. might. you dont care about what i do or what this time has done. i often think that your seeing other clients and havent thought about me at all. why would you? I am only thought of when the coordinator gets back to you and its been a long time since hearing that, only because I am cc on it. yeah take my name off that.3 words sum it up for me...NUMB DISSOCATED ZOMBIE! Nov 12 ,,,not sure if will see you or not. if do what to talk about? More than likely me crying and not looking at you. and thinking close out the session.

I don't understand why our latest session feels like a complete 180 degree from the one before. I think you're sick of me.

Dear T,
So this morning, I was thinking about you while I was in the shower. Initially, my thoughts went in a particular direction (ahem), but then it shifted to you washing me with your hands, and it felt different, as though you were washing the pain away. It made me cry a little. It almost felt like...a spiritual sort of cleansing, I guess?

I'm not sure whether I should tell you about this in reality.
Love,
LT

I’m having very strong SI right now. I need to talk to you.

I'm so afraid. I don't understand why I'm so stupid and can't learn things. I started doing art stuff earlier and I thought I would have one to show you tonight, but everything went wrong and I didn't even start it properly. Sorry.

What a pathetic parent I am! Didnt break my promise to my 19 year old however, I am doing what I set out to not do. Suppose to be NO Job NO car! what do I do, let him drive. Consistency will kill me!

you're not gonna believe this but i got struck by lightning -> again! (figure of speech)
i do want to be done with all this. the amount of trauma building inside of me is un-imaginable!!! and it's crushing me

and i'm super nervous/afraid about monday's appt -> an enormous amount is riding on it's outcome

Lockdown two will start soon... i'm not really surprised, to be honest. I guess now it makes it easier to accept video sessions because the official advice is to work from home. I'm learning that easy doesn't always mean happy, but that easy can sometimes mean a break in anxiety. Sadness is better than anxiety, easier to deal with. I hope that I can see you by next spring, though I'm also learning to let go of hopes and expectations and just accept the present situation for what it is. There is comfort to be found in video sessions, I just need to become more willing to look for it. Anxiety can be blinding.

I had a covid related argument with my family. I'm actually quite glad that I didn't get to see them at all this year. Isn't it kind of messed up that I haven't missed them at all? How can someone who loves you so much invalidate you so much? They don't see me, they never have. It's sad and I feel like I hurt them when i resist, but I have to stand up for myself and i have to try and uphold my boundaries even when they don't agree with me. Even when they treat me like i'm stupid or incapable or paranoid. Someone who loves you shouldn't make you feel like this.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm stressed and anxious and feeling a bit sorry for myself. But I am glad that I have you in my life and I love you very much. I'm holding on to the fact that we will be in the same room again in the hopefully near-ish future, whilst also accepting that this whole situation is ****ing hard.

Dear T,
Sorry to bug you this morning. I imagine with the time change, maybe you've already read/replied to your emails this morning. (If I don't hear back, I'll just say "let's just talk tomorrow.") And I doubt you'll have anything brilliant for me. Please don't just say avoid the news, which was H's advice. I've been trying to do that, but I also feel like I sort of need to know what's going on--remember, I used to be a journalist! Just scared seeing some of what's going on right now. I just hate this feeling of doom and hopelessness. I will of course be watching football later, but of course they have all the messages to vote during the game, so not like that can fully take my mind off of it. At least I know you have similar views. Wish I could see you in person...
Love,
LT

Yo-yoing between 'OK' and not OK is hard. I hadn't really had a chance to land after Thursday, and then they announced. Nothing really changes for me, except that this level of time in my head isn't good.

I wish if I texted you, you would respond today. I read something my uncle posted that really triggered a lot for me. It brought up all the "what could have been different" That I really struggle with. All those emotions that I am suppose to be okay with feeling but not allowing to consume me are coming up.

It is not helpful that I saw that right after hearing a news story of a teacher who has been arrested and the teen victim denying anything happened because of they were in love.

You may tire of me as our November sun is setting, cause I’m not who I used to be

Death Cab For Cutie song lyrics.

Love Death Cab!

I actually did report someone for breaking covid rules. Honestly don't even feel guilty about it and I hope they do get fined.

Today has been slow and frustrating study wise. I've felt hopeless for the past two days.

I mentioned before that I had found your wife's Instagram account three years ago, but she then she only had 3 photos now but since the end of september she's been posting almost daily. Photos of you at yet another protest. Your daughter baking and sitting next to you. Her little Halloween outfit. Honestly it just makes me want you more. I'm tired of being jealous of your family.

Dear T,
Your boundaries confuse me so much...you texted me asking if I wanted you to reply to my email (from this morning) this evening (which you said you tend not to do for me, for fear it will set a precedent). And I gave a response that I immediately realized was passive-aggressive, then said we could just talk tomorrow, that you didn't have to reply. Then...in response, you texted what was basically been a reply to my email? I mean, maybe you'd have said more in an official response, but it's not like you just said "OK, talk tomorrow!"

I also feel like, if in your initial text, you'd just said, "OK if we just talk tomorrow?" I'd have immediately said, "Sure, that's fine." But your saying, "Do you want me to reply?" opened up the door. And I *did* want you to reply. But then I wasn't sure if I *needed* that, or if it even made a difference if it was need vs. want (or what the level of need was). So...hm, perhaps we need to discuss that briefly tomorrow along with the election stuff. Because I'm pretty sure this isn't just a thing with you, but with other people, too. Both in reacting to how they phrase the question and in not being sure if my wants are enough/whether my level of need is enough vs. potentially inconveniencing/annoying the person.

But...thanks for texting me about the email. I really didn't expect to see anything about it until tomorrow morning.
Love,
LT

You know, you really did misunderstand me. I was not *implying* anything. You heard what you wanted to hear and used it as an excuse because you don't like wearing the stupid things. I don't either, but it is what it is right now, and we both still should be regardless. Okay?

I can not muster up a email to you. Even to send it blank with the subject line to be Nov 12 appt. or just say STRUGGLING. I am so emotionally all over the place between my kids and therapy. The one place I was suppose to go to talk about kids. And its gone! My mind is swirling with everything that I think and i talk myself out of something and right back into it. I dread NOV 12 and look forward to it. I am not sure what I will say. Partly think I will beable to muster up a summary and then also think that i will just cry. and on the scale of ending therapy., a minus 5 and yet I think 10.

How can it be that I feel wrung out, and yet not even close to done with the amount of emotion I'm holding?