Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I am horrified that I will never have a child and I don't know how to be ok with that for the rest of my life.

Please don't tell me I'm doing better than I think I am.

What if I’ll never see you properly again? Covid is ****ing with my head so badly. I didn’t sign up for this, it’s too painful. I don’t know if I can keep going like this.

Why this?

I hate you.

Spamming you with emails is a good way to resolve this, yes?

Studying really hasn't been going well. I don't believe that I can do this and so far I've done less than <2hours this morning. Yesterday and the day before were both 4 hours.

I don't have any classes this week and whilst I get you don't have to accommodate an earlier session request when there's nothing wrong and I just want to see you sooner.

I do see why my normal time should be fine because I need regularity and structure but it sucks waiting and waiting just for you to turn up.

Hahaha. "Please don't punish yourself". What a hoot-a-root-old-boot you are. I don't need to punish myself, that's what you are for.

Think I've figured out where you went on holiday last august by looking up places in the UK I'd want to live later. It's the level of preoccupation with you I don't like. It feels like a real relationship with non of the benefits.

Now that creepy guy and I don't even talk it also really just hit me how hard living on your own really is.

I'm just wondering, L, if you will ever bring up the subject of termination. I mean as in for reals, not my lame-*** attempts at running away for whatever stupid reasons I've had in the past. I'm not going anywhere of my own accord, that's not why I'm asking. I'm just wondering.


Would you ever bring it up?

Dear T,
I think today may be the longest day ever.

Love,
LT

I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. I need to stop reading the news. There are articles that say we may need repeated lockdowns in 2021....it feels like life will never resume any semblance of normality for ages. I don't doubt you will eventually see more family and friends...but clients? Probably not. I'm your job, nothing more. You have no incentive to get me back into the room. Today, I hate you a little bit. You shouldn't have this much power over me....I care too much about this and it hurts.

Dear T,
Also, yesterday, it felt like you were talking to me as "D," not as Dr. T. You were pretty open about some things, like in how all the stuff going on right now is affecting you. And I think I really needed that yesterday. It helped with my perspective on some things. But it also felt like you really understood. So, thanks for being open like that. I know most of the time you strive to be in Dr. T mode, but these are very strange times.


I am sort of wondering about the purpose of your comment on how it's like a battle between my mental health needs and my finances at times. Not so much the fact that you mentioned it, but the fact that you said "I was going to wait until after the election to say this, but..." Did you think it might stress me out or upset me for you to say it? Because I feel it's the truth. But also, like I said, it's not just about finances, it's also my feeling I shouldn't need you/therapy as much as I do. So that part of me is at war with the other part as well. Suppose I'll try to get back to twice a week soon. At least now I have through this month to do so, with your extending the rate reduction.

Love,
LT

I feel really badf and want to contact you but I don't think it would be productive.

I am sick of feeling this attachment and longing towards you.

I was having coffee this morning and suddenly you popped into my head, like we were sitting in your office together. I pictured saying, "Am I ever going to feel normal again? I feel like my pilot light has gone out and the lighter is just going click, click, click." And in my imagination you said, "What is normal?" and "Nothing is normal right now," and also in my imagination I vividly pictured going back up the stairs and climbing into bed and pulling the covers over my head.

Then I put my coffee cup in the dishwasher and went to my desk. Bleah. I'm tired.

Don't say that. I can tell my own darn self those things. Tell me it's all going to be all right.

Dear T,
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!
Love,
LT

T: If I get fired tomorrow, it is it. I won't be able to hang on anymore. I'm terrified.

Dear T,

Love,

LT

Thank you.

Confused as to your recommendation, after previously saying 'Given what I know about you, I can't recommend you read that book.' The email made me feel held, though.

Speak tomorrow,

Lost

Lots of crying today.

Just saying this but we've never only done just one session before a huge exam and I feel like friday is too far away. I only have 6 days left including today.

Dear T: thanks for your sweet text. I really am surprised how much you think about me outside of session. See you in a couple weeks. Kit.

You have been popping up in my head during the day, usually its just at night. Now in my head during the day. I guess I am wondering how things are for you. Sure your doing fine. Just fine not thinking about me or our situation. Today, I had the thought of actually taking a look into a new therapist. And yet I know i could not really do it. Feels like I would be betraying you. One feeling of betrayal does not deserve another, and its not even real. gosh I hate this. How do I be honest about how things have been going. I feel like crap for taking my son's car and will pobably give in to giving it back. No Money No Job he will eventually have not Gas so its all good right? My other son, hasnt missed a homework assignment yet. so good, but at a doc office he had to fill out symptoms sheet and it asked him about depression in which he checked it. I had no idea. Asked about it in the car and he said a few things, advised him to reach out to his therapist if he needed. So that is what is going on. And I still feel like crap want to drink or if i could do what i fantasize about which is, if not kids here I would be come a total mute. i want to isolate deep inside and cant with kids. Never thought of this before is it BPD ? Havent had that surface for years. Again it all comes and goes and by the time i hit send it will all be gone...

In reference to "And in my imagination you said, "What is normal?" and "Nothing is normal right now," and also in my imagination I vividly pictured going back up the stairs and climbing into bed and pulling the covers over my head. from another post ...
my T would ask that what is different now vs before the pandemic? Nothing I would say except that I cant see you in person, but she didnt really say much except what is Normal ? my answer is I dont know just not this.

It was wonderful seeing you again. I'll never take our time together for granted.

"Woohoo"? Dude. You're outta control.

p.s. of course I loved it, though.