L already replaced me

TBH, it might be way too soon for her to share her experience and perspective. If you do not feel like you are at a place where you can be present, open, and curious about what she has to say, then I feel you are still in an activated state of dysregulation. Go with your gut here and if the gut says something like dread or avoid -- then I would suggest you talk to her about waiting on that discussion and possibly giving space for you to continue to reiterate your experience in different ways or simply give space to being together - give those parts of yourself to see that she is still L and all that.

L seems pretty open to allowing you to explore your experiences using a variety of tools. This might be a time to be explore the events in a non-verbal way.

This kind of work is really hard and working through the ruptures/triggers are extremely difficult. For me it took 6 wks of not working on me - taking a break from therapizing without taking a break from therapy sessions before I was ready to reengage. I tried sooner and it didn't go well. I think if I had continued to push myself or if I had been pushed by my T, it would have resulted in termination. L seems to have been a good fit for you so far. If she can give you the space, it could be valuable.

Things with L are going better. I asked for a reassurance phone call last night, and that went really well. Then we had session today. We talked about a lot of stuff (splitting, how to process emotions, etc.), I went over my memory of Friday and she said that it was pretty much the same as hers. She said the difference was her intent of her actions vs how I interpreted her actions. We're going to talk in Saturday's session about a better plan for what to do when I have another breakdown.

She did ask when I wanted to start reducing reminder emails, and I told her no, not right now. We do have a plan for it, which I'm actually okay with: she writes short daily "I'm here" emails for a couple of months, she writes a reminder page in our scrapbook so I can always look at the reminders, and I can always write short "Are you there?" emails. It's fair. I still get to know she's there, thinking about me, without her having to write anything in length. I'm thinking of telling her to start it in March. Gives me some time to get used to the idea.

Saturday's session went really well. We talked mostly about setting up a plan for if I have another crisis. She's really listening to me and taking what I say I need seriously. I feel much more understood and hopeful now.

She wants to include in the plan what to do if I'm in a crisis and it's the end of session and she can't do a double session. She wanted to include H. For example: H talks to me on the phone on the drive home from session and then meets me at home. H said that so long as he's not in a meeting, he can talk to me for 5-20mins... And that he can't take off work for me! H sucks! His job is now important than me in an emergency? And I tried talking to my dad about the plan yesterday, and he said he doesn't want to know, he doesn't want to be involved!!! I have no one but L. She's the only one there for me

Scarlet, I understand how it would feel like H's job is more important. But he hasn't been there that long, right? I know one job I had, I wasn't allowed to take even sick leave for the first 90 days because I was on a probationary period. So if he were to take off or step out of a meeting to talk with you, then it could potentially put his job at risk. And his job is what's allowing you to do therapy twice a week, right? He also may not want to guarantee something he doesn't know if he'll be able to provide (like if he's in a meeting and had to have his phone on silent).

Is it at all possible to schedule sessions for when your H would be available? Like, so they'd end around the time his lunch break is starting or when he's getting off work? I know L's schedule sounds pretty booked, but I wonder if she'd be willing to switch a flexible client to a different slot? (Dr. T has done that with me on occasion, asked if I could take a different slot that week, though he never said I had to change, unless it was, say, a conflict he had with his own doctor's appointment or something.)

I will say that your dad's response sucks, especially as he doesn't work, right? So he should at least be able to take a phone call from you.

Is there anyone else you know who you could talk to? Even, say, a cousin or old friend who you aren't all that close to anymore, but who might be willing to be a sort of emergency contact?

And please note that I think your feelings are completely valid here--I'm just trying to suggest a different perspective regarding your H.

I get your point LT, and I disagree. Safety planning is for an emergency. If your loved one was dying would you say "sorry, work is more important"?

And no, there's not really anyone else. All I have is H, dad, sister (won't be a help), and mom. I'm going to talk to mom, but I have little hope.

Mom agreed! At least there is one person beside 911 now.

I'm glad she agreed!

Is she talking about if therapy session was bad and it sent you into crisis mode? I am a little taken aback that your t would just end a session if you are in life or death emergency and crisis.

What if you had such crisis in GP office. Would they just send you home in hopes your spouse takes off work? There are plenty of jobs when you cannot take off. What if he was a surgeon and was performing an operation. Would he be expected to drop his patient and take off listening about therapy session?

I am so confused. She can’t provide double session but your husband, who I think isn’t a medical professional, would be expected to take off work to fix emergency that she couldn’t fix? I am so confused.

No, it's not about just a session going bad. This is for a crisis. I've had bad sessions before and can go home safely. This is when I either need to be hospitalized or at least get home safely somehow to have someone else watch over me. It's not like this is going to happen a lot. I've been with L for almost two years and the other Friday is the first time it happened. And L and I are working out the details of how she can help me to try to calm the situation down. So it's not like I have a breakdown and she pushes me out the door.

Please don't make this into an argument. This thread is not about who should be responsible to help me when I'm in a crisis. I was updating the situation and simply voiced frustration. I'm not even pushing the subject on anyone. I simply asked them.

I'm glad your mom wants to be in your crisis team!

You mentioned not having anyone but T. Don't you think that would be something to work on? Do you work or volunteer? Do you have hobbies? Of course during covid it's harder to start something new, but it won't last forever. It sounds you really crave human contact and you seem like a nice caring individual who has lot to give also. Have you thought about finding more people to share your life with? You have mentioned a dog, maybe with the dog you can find people with same interests?

Your T sounds really great, but she is just a T. A therapist is of course important if you need one, but in the long run people that are not only in a professional relationship with you are what life is all about.

Got you. I have no intents to argue. It just didn’t make sense to me but I see now what you meant in terms of crisis.

There is always the suicide and crisis center that can send an outreach counselor out to meet with you until you get stable.

I'm not sure we have that here. We do have a crisis line that I can call, and have called before. That's actually part of the plan. If I can't talk to someone I know to help me on the drive home, I can call the crisis line to talk to me on the way home.

The overall plan is to NOT get me to the point of a crisis. This stuff (calling people, crisis line, 911, hospital) is for when we can't calm the crisis down. We're just trying to avoid 911 and/or hospital if at all possible.

It's one of the things I'm working on in therapy. I'm just terrified of trusting people. I don't feel like I can depend on anyone unless they're a professional. That has been my experience. So it's hard for me to have relationships with people. Yes, I'm actually very good at being social. But letting anyone in...too scary. I need to work on myself and get myself under control before I dare take the risk of a friend.

Y'know, I rather struggle with that too. L (my L, of course ) told me recently that I make it difficult for people to be in relationship with me because I won't say how I feel. Or if I do try to I always stick on the "i don't know" at the end so people really can't be sure where I'm at about anything. I think she's only gotten to know me as well as she has because we've worked so deeply with my dreams. And why it's taken 9+ years for her to know me as well as she does.

Would you consider going to a Day Treatment program? They do a lot of planning on how to avoid getting into a crisis among other types of therapies (CBT, DBT, etc).

I don't really need that. That's what L and I are working on.

Going to the hospital would be worst-case scenario, and I would only be to get me through the breakdown. At most, 24 hours just to get anxiety meds, calm down, and sleep in a safe place. Then L and I can figure out the next steps.

If let's say someone (person or pet) dies, then I'll probably need to go to a crisis house. But that's a different type of crisis than what I'm talking about.

L gave me a new slot for Fridays and said that that and my Tuesday slot are indefinitely mine. I feel better and I'm still a little bitter about my old time slot. But L has me on the schedule all the way through June. 8 sessions will be Vsee, but the rest are in-person. I really appreciate her fitting me into a permanent spot. She agreed that it would help reduce the tension and anxiety to give me my own slot.

I'm glad she gave you a regular slot, Scarlet.

I'm glad, Scarlet!

Yay Scarlet! If that were me, my anxiety would probably be reduced! Hope it feels good to have a regular spot again!

It really does feel good to have a regular spot that's all mine. Of course, sometimes she schedules me for different times and days depending on her schedule (i.e. vacations, doctors, etc.), but I know no one else will have my time slot.