L already replaced me

The word "replace" seems really charged for you. I am going back to my original question; were you replaced? Is that an accurate word to describe a situation where a therapist allocates a time slot to another client? You are not replaced since you still exist and your relationship with her still exists.

The reality here is your position as a client. Assuming she is a decent therapist, none of her clients will be more important than others, although you will all have specific and significant relationships with her. And I can't imagine that you would want there to be a hierarchy of clients because how would you feel if you weren't top of the hierarchy? For me: the horror!!! Personally, it would not be useful (although it would be comforting!) for her to reassure me that she had not replaced me. If she soothes me, then we are caught in a collusion where the aim is to avoid my pain around the reality, which might also be present in my history, of "being replaced". As hurtful as I find it when she can't/won't soothe me, it is often when I make most progress.

This is hurtful and horrid, but sometimes I think we need to get in amongst the hurtful and horrid and try to keep hold of our responses so we can examine them rather than be carried away by them. When you figure out how to do that, let me know!

Can't help but wonder if you might be experiencing a lot of hurt and anger at your H and redirecting it at L. After all, it is because of your H that you had to reduce sessions in the first place, if I understand correctly. But maybe it feels safer and more worthwhile to get angry at L for some reason.

I understand not wanting to be "replaced," but I don't think she really has "replaced" you. I hope the session goes well and you get some peace with this.

No, I still get to see her twice a week. I don't get my time slot back, but I don't want it now anyways. I feel it's been tainted.

I get what you're all saying logically. I understand logically. She has other clients, she's private practice, she has a wait list (which I didn't know), etc, etc. It's the feelings I'm struggling with. L is very caring/loving and committed to me. Again, logically I know this. In order to fit me into her schedule, she's working days and times she usually doesn't. She has gone above and beyond for me in ways I dont even post on here. She always fits me in, unlimited emails, unlimited 20min phone calls, allows my dog, sits on the floor with me, does a scrapbook with me, let me borrow her blanket indefinitely, has given me presents and transitional objects, lets me give her presents, doesn't freak out on me, hugs me, holds my hand, does question and answers, discloses some, allows me to see her in-person, is validating, unconditionally loves me, reassures me as much as I need, knows how to calm me down/ground me, is patient, etc, etc, etc. (Tuesday I gave her a jar with 50 little notes on why I love her, so the list goes on...).

AND I feel rejected. Both/And as L likes to call it. I'm allowed to have both logic and feeling parts, they're allowed to contradict. I'm allowed to have contrasting feelings too. I love her AND I'm angry at her. I know she's committed to me AND I feel betrayed by her. I want to cling to her AND I want to push her away. It's not either/or. It's grey.

Maybe I am mad at H and projecting it onto her? And I might even be projecting the resistance and confrontation I feel onto her. I told her I need her to be gentle either way and she agreed.

I am mad at H. He's totally f'ed us financially by sitting on his ***** playing video games and working on a music label that isn't even breaking even. I'm not even going to say how much money we had and how much we wasted, but it would make you sick. I could have afforded IVF just on how many cars he bought and sold. (Do I sound bitter?)

I normally don't take those things out on L. But maybe I am?

The Both/And I understand. It seems really important. Things often don't easily fit into one box of logic or one box of emotions. They are usually mis-mashed into both. I get what you are saying here. It is grey. That is a good description. Talk about this with L. You're doing a great job about talking about it on here. Talk about it with her too! You can do this! Hang in there! HUGS Kit

The heart needs time to learn (feel) what the brain knows, as my T says. It's ok to be in the AND place. I get this very much as well. Being in the AND place is actually a step in progression, I believe. It's not easy.

You are doing a good job being with and being open about your AND place.

I made it through my old hour. My dad took me out to lunch to treat and distract me. I wish L would have checked in on me. I know that's expecting her to mind read, but it would still be nice.

Sorry, i didnt mean to be unsupportive. Honest, i wait to say something to you until i think i have a different way of looking at the situation that might be helpful. I usually forget to say anything supportive at all. I KNOW you get all the stuff about it not being logical, and holding opposing feelings at the same time.

Now im thinking, not musical chairs, but a teeter-totter. How many people are on that teeter totter? What else is on it? (That list of things she does is pretty heavy!) How can she "replace" you if you are opposite her? Not saying i can answer these questions.

I think youre right, it IS about commitment. Who is committed to whom, or not?

Yeah my long ago long term t used to say that the longer you can stand to be there, the better.

I just feel hurt. I know L is committed to me, and she knows I'm committed to her. We tell eachother that we will measure our relationship in decades; not years. And at the first decade mark, I told her I'd dance with her (I'm too embarrassed to dance especially because I don't know how!). I just am hurt that she gave my spot away so fast. If it had been a month, sure I'd be bummed and still hurt, but for some reason that makes more sense. Or if she told me upfront she was going to put another client in that slot, then I would have time to grieve it.

Idk. I'm emotionally a wreck right now going back and forth between anger and sadness and frustration and depression.

I see L in 39mins... Not looking forward to it.

I hope it goes well, Scarlet.

It went as well as it could. I had a complete breakdown and my choices were a double session or hospital. I chose an extra session. I'm too mentally drained to recall everything, but everything is okay between L and I. She has never seen my like that before. I have never been that bad in front of someone before. She wants me to take my anxiety meds and sleep tonight.

Thank you all for the support!

P.S. We determined that it didn't necessarily have anything to do with the actual time slot. It was about feeling like I wasn't good enough or was bad, and my fears of abandonment that got triggered.

I think you and her have come to the correct conclusion. It probably has nothing to do with the time slot (she did nothing wrong taking care of her business and other clients when you vacated a spot), but your reaction is still real, enormous and probably close to the reasons you need therapy, right? So keep talking about it with her as long as you need.

I agree with this. I'm also very sensitive to rejection and abandonment and have had seemingly minor things my T has done really affect me (not that I'm saying giving away your slot was minor, of course).

Like in a recent session, he just seemed to contradict everything I said, was pushing me to do things I didn't want to do (like pushing hard), and also was very negative about the couple things I was feeling positive about. I signed off from session and started sobbing. When I emailed, I mentioned I'd had feelings of rejection and abandonment, like he'd suddenly turned off the support. And how I knew that maybe didn't make sense, but it was the best way to describe the emotions I had.

In session yesterday, he went through and explained why he had said each thing. And it all made total sense to me then, but I was also thinking more logically. He was also understanding about how it affected me, that it was more everything together rather than one single thing. And I feel OK about things now.

But the fact that I had such a strong reaction made me realize that it's not just about him. Something in me was triggered, and it felt like stuff from childhood. It's something I think we need to examine more next week. And also, as he mentioned yesterday, points to black and white thinking that I tend to do, like, "OK, now he has turned off the support, and it's gone forever." As opposed to "OK, we had one off session, let's see how the next one goes."

Sorry for going on so much about myself there. But I think it kind of relates to what you're going through, Scarlet. And your realizing that it's likely about something else, not the slot itself, is important and could help lead to tackling other key issues in therapy. I'm sorry you were so upset and so triggered--I'm glad you were able to get a double session and didn't have to be hospitalized. But maybe in a way it's good that L saw firsthand how affected you were? Because it could help her understand more and help you.

So I'm still mad at L, but this time it's for how she handled the crisis. She told me in the middle of my breakdown that she's taking away daily reminder emails soon. And I'm also mad at her for threatening hospitalization. I feel manipulated, coerced, forced? to chose between a double session and hospitalization. Plus, her demeanor changed during the crisis. She wasn't calm and collected L. She seemed scared, frustrated, and impatient.

We will talk more about this in Wednesday's session.

Is this how "deep" therapy works? You constantly get triggered and have to work through it. If so, I'm exhausted. I don't know if I can keep dealing with these ruptures. I love L, and I know she's a good therapist. But I'm not sure I can do this.

Did L say why she is taking away daily email reminders soon? That seems punitive. HUGS Scarlet. I know this is difficult.

Yeah. She's taking them away because she's expanding her schedule now that Covid is slowly getting better, and will be too busy to send them.

I get it, but she didn't need to tell me in the middle of my breakdown. I think, my memory is a little blurry, that that's what pushed me over the edge that night.

Hugs, Scarlet, I'd be really upset about her taking away the reminders, too. If they're emails, she could theoretically type up a bunch at once then schedule them to go out each day (if Gmail--I imagine other programs have that, too). She definitely shouldn't have told you during that session.

And I can understand being upset by the double session vs. hospitalization, too. Though maybe her demeanor changed because she was scared for you? Like worried about your safety, and unsure how to handle it?

Oh wow. This sounds hard. I would feel upset too. I get so scared when my t’s demeanor changes (even slightly) away from being kind and gentle. I’m also surprised she would stop sending appointment reminders. Seems common for most therapists to send them in some form or another. I hope your session helps you feel safe in the relationship again.

I think she might have been scared. It's the first time I totally lost it in her presence. She's used to me crying, but not in a complete breakdown. Still, she always says it's her responsibility to control her emotions. I don't feel like she did. I feel like she panicked/turned into a strict mean person. And now that I've seen that side of her, I don't feel like I know her. And how am I supposed to go forward if at anytime I have a breakdown, she'll freak out?

Reminder emails are not appointment reminders. My fault, I should have been clear. They are emails that remind me about things in our relationship and how therapy is supposed to be. Example: "It's okay to have big feelings and needs". Or "We are a team. We got this".

Hug's Scarlet, I think your therapist was wrong to tell you about not doing daily reminders when you are dealing with so much. I would be very hurt myself. Just because things are going to be busier for her she can try to do the daily reminders unless you both agree to not do it. I think therapist who take away things like this without talking about it first is not helpful. I know how supportive she has been and I hope on Wednesday you both can talk about this more in depth because it's hard. Hugs

You know, I feel like I learned how to handle this the hard way. My first/main therapist does deep relational work, and it was very helpful and emotionally satisfying until it became a nightmare (her enforcing new boundaries that didn't seem fair or collaborative to me, mostly). I left therapy with her for a while to do some of the newer trauma things with somebody else (EMDR, DBT, and a little IFS thrown in there). I think it is helping reduce the reactivity in my brain so I can do the "deep" work again. My first therapist became a trigger for me, which is pretty awful, and I needed EMDR to help put out all the fires in my brain that were being reignited. (Not my fault or your fault that the fires exist -- they are a consequence of trauma.) So if this feels intolerable with L right now, maybe you need something like that? With trauma, the body keeps the score, and when you bump into things that feel like the original relational trauma (which is bound to happen in the therapeutic relationship), you often can't talk yourself out of being upset. That's just not how trauma gets encoded.

Thanks. L does a little DBT and I think IFS (well she at least works with parts). I don't want to quit with her because she has helped so much the first year and a half. Since December, I feel like I've been beaten up emotionally in our relationship. Almost every time it's been worked through. This month, however, I feel like we've had so many ruptures that I can't even remember the ones besides the last two. So emotionally I'm holding all the pain, but logically I can't even remember why!

I have a session with L tomorrow. She wants to tell me her perspective. I hope she doesn't invalidate my experience. I know I was in the middle of a crisis so some things are blurry, but other things I remember really well.

Depending on how tomorrow goes, I'm thinking of giving her another chance. This was the first breakdown/crisis I've had with her in-person. I'm willing to chalk it up to not knowing how to navigate it since it was the first time. But if things go down similarly in the next breakdown, I'm afraid either she or I am not ready for it.