L already replaced me

So I'm still mad at L, but this time it's for how she handled the crisis. She told me in the middle of my breakdown that she's taking away daily reminder emails soon. And I'm also mad at her for threatening hospitalization. I feel manipulated, coerced, forced? to chose between a double session and hospitalization. Plus, her demeanor changed during the crisis. She wasn't calm and collected L. She seemed scared, frustrated, and impatient.

We will talk more about this in Wednesday's session.

Is this how "deep" therapy works? You constantly get triggered and have to work through it. If so, I'm exhausted. I don't know if I can keep dealing with these ruptures. I love L, and I know she's a good therapist. But I'm not sure I can do this.

Did L say why she is taking away daily email reminders soon? That seems punitive. HUGS Scarlet. I know this is difficult.

Yeah. She's taking them away because she's expanding her schedule now that Covid is slowly getting better, and will be too busy to send them.

I get it, but she didn't need to tell me in the middle of my breakdown. I think, my memory is a little blurry, that that's what pushed me over the edge that night.

Hugs, Scarlet, I'd be really upset about her taking away the reminders, too. If they're emails, she could theoretically type up a bunch at once then schedule them to go out each day (if Gmail--I imagine other programs have that, too). She definitely shouldn't have told you during that session.

And I can understand being upset by the double session vs. hospitalization, too. Though maybe her demeanor changed because she was scared for you? Like worried about your safety, and unsure how to handle it?

Oh wow. This sounds hard. I would feel upset too. I get so scared when my t’s demeanor changes (even slightly) away from being kind and gentle. I’m also surprised she would stop sending appointment reminders. Seems common for most therapists to send them in some form or another. I hope your session helps you feel safe in the relationship again.

I think she might have been scared. It's the first time I totally lost it in her presence. She's used to me crying, but not in a complete breakdown. Still, she always says it's her responsibility to control her emotions. I don't feel like she did. I feel like she panicked/turned into a strict mean person. And now that I've seen that side of her, I don't feel like I know her. And how am I supposed to go forward if at anytime I have a breakdown, she'll freak out?

Reminder emails are not appointment reminders. My fault, I should have been clear. They are emails that remind me about things in our relationship and how therapy is supposed to be. Example: "It's okay to have big feelings and needs". Or "We are a team. We got this".

Hug's Scarlet, I think your therapist was wrong to tell you about not doing daily reminders when you are dealing with so much. I would be very hurt myself. Just because things are going to be busier for her she can try to do the daily reminders unless you both agree to not do it. I think therapist who take away things like this without talking about it first is not helpful. I know how supportive she has been and I hope on Wednesday you both can talk about this more in depth because it's hard. Hugs

You know, I feel like I learned how to handle this the hard way. My first/main therapist does deep relational work, and it was very helpful and emotionally satisfying until it became a nightmare (her enforcing new boundaries that didn't seem fair or collaborative to me, mostly). I left therapy with her for a while to do some of the newer trauma things with somebody else (EMDR, DBT, and a little IFS thrown in there). I think it is helping reduce the reactivity in my brain so I can do the "deep" work again. My first therapist became a trigger for me, which is pretty awful, and I needed EMDR to help put out all the fires in my brain that were being reignited. (Not my fault or your fault that the fires exist -- they are a consequence of trauma.) So if this feels intolerable with L right now, maybe you need something like that? With trauma, the body keeps the score, and when you bump into things that feel like the original relational trauma (which is bound to happen in the therapeutic relationship), you often can't talk yourself out of being upset. That's just not how trauma gets encoded.

Thanks. L does a little DBT and I think IFS (well she at least works with parts). I don't want to quit with her because she has helped so much the first year and a half. Since December, I feel like I've been beaten up emotionally in our relationship. Almost every time it's been worked through. This month, however, I feel like we've had so many ruptures that I can't even remember the ones besides the last two. So emotionally I'm holding all the pain, but logically I can't even remember why!

I have a session with L tomorrow. She wants to tell me her perspective. I hope she doesn't invalidate my experience. I know I was in the middle of a crisis so some things are blurry, but other things I remember really well.

Depending on how tomorrow goes, I'm thinking of giving her another chance. This was the first breakdown/crisis I've had with her in-person. I'm willing to chalk it up to not knowing how to navigate it since it was the first time. But if things go down similarly in the next breakdown, I'm afraid either she or I am not ready for it.

TBH, it might be way too soon for her to share her experience and perspective. If you do not feel like you are at a place where you can be present, open, and curious about what she has to say, then I feel you are still in an activated state of dysregulation. Go with your gut here and if the gut says something like dread or avoid -- then I would suggest you talk to her about waiting on that discussion and possibly giving space for you to continue to reiterate your experience in different ways or simply give space to being together - give those parts of yourself to see that she is still L and all that.

L seems pretty open to allowing you to explore your experiences using a variety of tools. This might be a time to be explore the events in a non-verbal way.

This kind of work is really hard and working through the ruptures/triggers are extremely difficult. For me it took 6 wks of not working on me - taking a break from therapizing without taking a break from therapy sessions before I was ready to reengage. I tried sooner and it didn't go well. I think if I had continued to push myself or if I had been pushed by my T, it would have resulted in termination. L seems to have been a good fit for you so far. If she can give you the space, it could be valuable.

Things with L are going better. I asked for a reassurance phone call last night, and that went really well. Then we had session today. We talked about a lot of stuff (splitting, how to process emotions, etc.), I went over my memory of Friday and she said that it was pretty much the same as hers. She said the difference was her intent of her actions vs how I interpreted her actions. We're going to talk in Saturday's session about a better plan for what to do when I have another breakdown.

She did ask when I wanted to start reducing reminder emails, and I told her no, not right now. We do have a plan for it, which I'm actually okay with: she writes short daily "I'm here" emails for a couple of months, she writes a reminder page in our scrapbook so I can always look at the reminders, and I can always write short "Are you there?" emails. It's fair. I still get to know she's there, thinking about me, without her having to write anything in length. I'm thinking of telling her to start it in March. Gives me some time to get used to the idea.

Saturday's session went really well. We talked mostly about setting up a plan for if I have another crisis. She's really listening to me and taking what I say I need seriously. I feel much more understood and hopeful now.

She wants to include in the plan what to do if I'm in a crisis and it's the end of session and she can't do a double session. She wanted to include H. For example: H talks to me on the phone on the drive home from session and then meets me at home. H said that so long as he's not in a meeting, he can talk to me for 5-20mins... And that he can't take off work for me! H sucks! His job is now important than me in an emergency? And I tried talking to my dad about the plan yesterday, and he said he doesn't want to know, he doesn't want to be involved!!! I have no one but L. She's the only one there for me

Scarlet, I understand how it would feel like H's job is more important. But he hasn't been there that long, right? I know one job I had, I wasn't allowed to take even sick leave for the first 90 days because I was on a probationary period. So if he were to take off or step out of a meeting to talk with you, then it could potentially put his job at risk. And his job is what's allowing you to do therapy twice a week, right? He also may not want to guarantee something he doesn't know if he'll be able to provide (like if he's in a meeting and had to have his phone on silent).

Is it at all possible to schedule sessions for when your H would be available? Like, so they'd end around the time his lunch break is starting or when he's getting off work? I know L's schedule sounds pretty booked, but I wonder if she'd be willing to switch a flexible client to a different slot? (Dr. T has done that with me on occasion, asked if I could take a different slot that week, though he never said I had to change, unless it was, say, a conflict he had with his own doctor's appointment or something.)

I will say that your dad's response sucks, especially as he doesn't work, right? So he should at least be able to take a phone call from you.

Is there anyone else you know who you could talk to? Even, say, a cousin or old friend who you aren't all that close to anymore, but who might be willing to be a sort of emergency contact?

And please note that I think your feelings are completely valid here--I'm just trying to suggest a different perspective regarding your H.

I get your point LT, and I disagree. Safety planning is for an emergency. If your loved one was dying would you say "sorry, work is more important"?

And no, there's not really anyone else. All I have is H, dad, sister (won't be a help), and mom. I'm going to talk to mom, but I have little hope.

Mom agreed! At least there is one person beside 911 now.

I'm glad she agreed!

Is she talking about if therapy session was bad and it sent you into crisis mode? I am a little taken aback that your t would just end a session if you are in life or death emergency and crisis.

What if you had such crisis in GP office. Would they just send you home in hopes your spouse takes off work? There are plenty of jobs when you cannot take off. What if he was a surgeon and was performing an operation. Would he be expected to drop his patient and take off listening about therapy session?

I am so confused. She can’t provide double session but your husband, who I think isn’t a medical professional, would be expected to take off work to fix emergency that she couldn’t fix? I am so confused.

No, it's not about just a session going bad. This is for a crisis. I've had bad sessions before and can go home safely. This is when I either need to be hospitalized or at least get home safely somehow to have someone else watch over me. It's not like this is going to happen a lot. I've been with L for almost two years and the other Friday is the first time it happened. And L and I are working out the details of how she can help me to try to calm the situation down. So it's not like I have a breakdown and she pushes me out the door.

Please don't make this into an argument. This thread is not about who should be responsible to help me when I'm in a crisis. I was updating the situation and simply voiced frustration. I'm not even pushing the subject on anyone. I simply asked them.

I'm glad your mom wants to be in your crisis team!

You mentioned not having anyone but T. Don't you think that would be something to work on? Do you work or volunteer? Do you have hobbies? Of course during covid it's harder to start something new, but it won't last forever. It sounds you really crave human contact and you seem like a nice caring individual who has lot to give also. Have you thought about finding more people to share your life with? You have mentioned a dog, maybe with the dog you can find people with same interests?

Your T sounds really great, but she is just a T. A therapist is of course important if you need one, but in the long run people that are not only in a professional relationship with you are what life is all about.