Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage".

Viktor Frankl

A new version of one of my favourite songs.



This track always meant a lot to me, but following what happened in 2016...

Still dealing with the aftermath, as you know.

Help me take the walls down a little further?

I have the urge to set up a therapy playlist and share it with you or play the songs in session? I would know how to do this if you were an iPhone user since I use Apple Music but alas. I’m too risk adverse to buy phones on eBay like you.

I’m thinking back to that night now, and I was really low. You and my friend saved my life that night. Now that the sting of all of that has diminished somewhat, I’m looking back at everything and trying to appreciate how special that all was. What I really needed was someone to care. You showed how much you did in your actions, and I’ll be eternally grateful. I still struggle with shame around all of it, but I’m trying to remind myself that I’m worth it. I’m worth healing.

You told me to call you if things were still really bad. I called, but only found out that you're out today. I wish you wouldn't have told me to call you.

we are scheduled for friday still, right? why can't i remember if we confirmed that or not before i left last week? maybe because i'm not sleeping very well again. 3 nights in a row tossing and turning and pacing the house at 2 am. i can't believe the pool at the gym is closed now too. has been closed since sunday. that's why i'm not sleeping, i haven't been able to swim since saturday. grr. what are the chances that the pool in my little subdivision has been broken and closed for like 6 months, and now the gym i joined so i could swim again, their pool is also now closed for maintenance since Sunday? what power is it that doesn't want me to swim?!

Hi T. Talk to you Friday.

Thanks for your message this morning. It was totally unexpected, and meant all the more for it. 🙏🏻

Love you. Next week feels a long way away.

I'm grateful for your email. Thank you.

Dear long term T, it has now officially been another year since our last launch appointment. Today in my FBmemories there was a post about how you dropped off flowers at my home while I was at work.

What a serendipitous turn of events eh, that brought me to your office today instead of tomorrow. It was perfect timing, every bit we talked about today, especially that intense stuff.

I lied when I said I was ok with work men coming into my house. I thought I would be ok with it, but there are so many of them and none of them have masks on, even though I said I was pregnant. They aren't the friendly kind. Me and Ripley are in my lounge with the door closed hoping they will be done soon. Feeling lots of anxiety.

I'm taking steps out of oblivion. Out of the deep, dark hole. Today it feels lighter. I'm not sure how long it will last but I guess I just enjoy it while it is here. Thank you so much for holding my hand. For being ok with that again today. I needed to do that to be able to feel that real sense of connection again. I cant quite believe how long I looked into your eyes for. From someone who can go nearly a year without looking at you in the eye, it's quite something. It feels special. If that makes sense. It isn't something I do much at all with people. Hardly hardly ever. So it definitely means s lot too me. Thank you.

L, I hope your surgery goes well today! I'm thinking of you.

Four well chosen words
Speak peace even in absence
Almost like a hug.

Am I actually going to hug you in 5 days?

Do you have any idea how abandoned the little parts are feeling because you won’t see them? The absolute agony of it. I hate them and I hate it and I just want it to go away. I don’t want to hear them screaming for mummy, she was never there, will never be there and they should shut the **** up. I wish I’d never come to ****ing therapy. I don’t need this ****. I’m suppose to be a mother myself not this complete ****ing mess. I don’t know what to do, I can’t come back.

Maybe you thought my picture wasn't for you... Granted it was a bit random not sending any words, but i couldn't find the right ones. I hope you have a nice break. I am doing what you suggested (I think!!) in trying to find some 'support' (I hate that word). Trying to open up a little. Trying to put together a tool box of sorts. I have taken a day off work so that we don't have too much disruption in the next few weeks. It feels like we are on the two steps forwards track, so want to make the most of that. Wondering when we will go to three backwards though!! I will be very glad of longer sessions. Very glad indeed. I couldn't have said yes any quicker! See you 'soon'.

Thanks for talking about the email I sent and acknowledging it before I commented on it. I feel like you are finally starting to sort me out from your 70 clients. Also thanks for saying good luck regarding my surgery, because I had forgotten about it at that moment.

I hope you can help me get out of this. Maybe even if it’s just moral support. I’m terrified.

I had forgotten how useful this thread was as a substitute for repeatedly emailing you.

What are you doing today? Are you thinking of me?

That negative animus thing had me again this morning. Dude I could feel it coming over me like a frickin' train barreling over me and I screamed my frustration at h for not listening to what I was saying. You are right, L it's not me, and I sure don't like how it feels when "he" is running the show. I really need to learn to work with that part of me. I think "he" could be helpful if he doesn't feel the need to be such a jerk. Luckily h forgave me for screaming at him like I did. This move is so stressful. Looking forward to next week.

I have improved majorly over my feelings of old T. She really is becoming a feather in the breeze. Yesterday I drank my favorite kind of tea that always made me think of my old T. The only thing I really thought of was “this tea is my favorite.” And I drank it without thinking of her.

I didn’t talk about old T much yesterday to new T. I think I only said that old T thought I had an eating disorder.

I still listen to the song that reminded me of my old T. But now I kinda think “she read the lyrics to this?”

I don’t know what feelings will come up when I’m in that area next Thursday. Or when I have a telehealth with my Pdoc at the end of June.

Thank you so much for letting me know you're okay! I really appreciate it. I'm trying so hard not to email you because I don't want to bother you. I can't wait for our phone call on Monday, and session on Tuesday. I think I'll feel more at ease when I can see you and truly know you're okay.