Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
Survived my GYN appointment! Was basically having a panic attack the whole time (heart rate above 100, up to 120 at times) but I got through it. At one point, I tried to picture you smiling at me. (
Couldn't really use the stone considering I was naked except for the gown...)

Now to spend the next 24 h continuing my panic about getting stomach bug (or my panic at getting it, if symptoms start).
Love,
LT

'You have the ability to swim' was a powerful reminder today.
I'm feeling the full weight of everything, especially as things deteriorated after session.

Crying is cleansing, right?

Thanks for replying to my email.

'That's what it's all about' is something I definitely need to remember.
Therapy is one place where emotions are OK.
I need to learn not to be afraid of mine.

New exam in 26 days and I'm honestly just back to feeling exhausted and low.

If I also wanted to now book a session with G I would have to wait until the 15th, because I didn't book before.

Hey L - I won't be emailing you. If anything comes up, I will hold it inside myself. And I'm going to try that writing thing I came up with, too. AND I will work some more with Ellie, her cousin, and the snake!

And, no. It wasn't a mistake.

As time passes, your remark about borrowing pain makes more and more sense.
I'm finding it hard to believe that I also get to have my own experience of this.

Dear T,
Not doing well with the whole emetophobia thing. D's illness seems to have brought it back in full force. H is getting carryout tonight for him and D at a place I like, but I passed, because I don't want to risk getting something then getting sick and never being able to eat there again. I know I should theoretically be out of the woods in getting her illness, based on timelines I've read online, but I don't really believe that I am. Hope you can help me some with this Monday.
Love,
LT

Today is May 1st, you know how much I hate May. I know you are okay with me texting you for support but I just want to turn inwards but at the same time I need you. UGH

When I ask myself what I need, it's almost like a computer when it freezes.
Takes a while to get an answer.

Asking what I need

Brain freezes like computer

Error: no answer

I'm glad we are meeting Wednesday. I'm doing fine, but I am just ready to dive back into what we were talking about on Friday.

I'm starting to feel low again.

Three hours studied yesterday. Two today.

193 days without self harm
86 days without you.

I realize you haven’t actually ever told me anything. I think you are brilliant, as it has taken me a year to come to this realization.

I feel so annoyed at my mother. In our culture it's common for families to arrange marriages, so she did go an ask another family. I do know the other person, but he's not even someone I could get on with and an arrogant as ***** doctor.

It's my life and I'm done with it being controlled for me. I have spent the majority of my life trying to please my mother and I'm done. They actually were s**t parents and I don't owe them anything.

Hey, my PMs are open if you ever want to vent. Different culture but also heavy on the guilt trips and emotional blackmail and "you owe me!!!". I'm also a little familiar with arranged marriages as I've friends in cultures with it. Some obeyed, some left.

I feel as if I'm operating in thick fog, and I don't understand why.

So much emotional pain today, I miss my mum even though of course she was never truly there....but she still exists and sometimes I think it would be easier to never have had a mum at all....it hurts having a mum and not having a mum and being a mum all at the same time. And I miss you and I think really that’s just because I miss my mum or my not mum or perhaps my never-having-had-a-mum gaping hole is just particularly massive at the moment. Or maybe I do miss you. I don’t know. Will it ever get easier? It’s a lot.

My PM's are open if you want to chat about this. I have a long history of an abusive mother and have had that deep mother hole for as long as I can remember. Its one of the hardest things I have dealt with but it does get better.

Dear T,
I'm not sure how I feel yet about your pushing back in-person. If you're waiting for APA to give the OK to meet without masks, I'm concerned you may be waiting a long time. Honestly, I'm concerned it would be for the rest of this year, even. I hope they provide other guidance.


I mean...isn't part of the point of getting vaccinated to be able to return more to normal? And if you're talking about things like me working toward eating inside restaurants, yet won't let me in your office unmasked, I feel like that sends a really mixed message? At some point, I feel like it has to be up to you to decide what you're willing to do--like you said, the APA provides guidelines, and you wouldn't be stripped of your license for meeting with vaccinated clients in person without masks.

OK, I guess this is bothering me somewhat... I guess I just hoped that potentially seeing you in person later this month would help me get back out there more. And would get me to leave the house a few days a week for a specific reason.

I just don't see why you should be grouped with all "healthcare professionals" (as it mentioned in that statement). You see a set number of clients on a regular basis, which is very different from, say, an ER doctor or nurse, or even a primary care doctor.

Maybe this is another case of it very much showing how this is a professional relationship, because I imagine if your friend or family member were vaccinated, you'd be willing to see them in person indoors unmasked, per current CDC guidelines...

Love,
LT