Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hi T,

I'll do my best to cope until I see you in 2 weeks. Please have a good break. While I don't want to assume you're going to be worrying about me, or other clients who are struggling, trust me that I'm doing my best and that your other clients can go to A&E or call the domestic violence hotline.

is it better to sugar-coat things for you? i think so, even if you don't. no one wants to see me like this and i don't want them to. why do you think i have such a dam good poker-face?! many many years of "practice" (aka hiding things).
i'm already toying with the idea of cancelling our upcoming appt.....

Think the session today was a mistake. I just feel super exposed and it was emotionally draining.

First real session and he was already telling me that he was lost.

I was really embarrassed when I realised I sent you a message in between dreaming and waking up. Even more so when you ignored it. I know you just think I'm crazy now.

I looked at some of my old therapy threads. It seems my last therapist was pretty passive aggressive sometimes. She was ok during my surgery but after I healed she became weird. I had also told her about my transference in late October. Then I felt forced into IOP and then she set the boundaries with emails. around the time I healed after my surgery and when I told her about the transference that was when she became cold Then the whole email fiasco got out of control in January. Then I told her I couldn’t take it anymore and she was great but I needed out. I snooped around on her Facebook page from a different account since she blocked me for who knows why. A lot of her posts are about trans people and trans rights. I feel in a way that I was sort of like a specimen to her. That she thought it would be cool to have a trans client. I don’t know. Maybe I’m off. I think there was something not right with her though.

But I just remember feeling so alone last Christmas and while I had the group support I had no 1 on 1 support besides a couple calls with a random case manager. I was just so depressed and lonely last Christmas. It’s given me such bad memories I told my new T what happened and I asked if she worked around Christmas time because I felt so hurt. She said she does work around Christmas time. Which made me feel happy.

I've been thinking about this song a lot lately. I adore this performance.

- George Harrison.

Please, please let's start meeting in person soon. We're both fully vaxxed. Teletherapy is draining me. You originally said June 25th, so...??

I’m wondering what to wear on Tuesday. I kind of want to wear shorts but I really also want to wear my high top Vans with the sharks on them. I can’t tell if I want to wear a hoodie or just a black T shirt. You’re gonna comment on everything regardless so idk.

Thanks for being blunt with me. I needed to hear that fact. Now I hope I have enough commitment to make the necessary changes.

I've had enough of lurching from crisis to crisis. Surely there's more to life than this?

'You could go to heaven
You could go to Hell
Or you could hang out in between
In the place you know so well...'

- Bruce Cockburn

I see your website doesn’t say you have no space any more. Weirdly I feel guilty for leaving you with space to fill....and sad that someone will be replacing me.

I feel the way I felt at one of the jobs I had. Being there was great and I felt like everything was good and I was happy. Then once I’d get home I would think “do I really want to be working there?” I felt like that was how it was with you today. The session was going great and I felt good being back to in person sessions. Then when I got home I thought “wait a second...”

I do think you will work out once I get to know you in person more.

You're right. You're not the answer. There is no amswer. Go away, L! Leave me alone. It hurts so much. You let me walk out knowing that I wasn't safe. Just go away!

Seeing you once a month is ineffective, maybe I should quit therapy?

Last night's appointment was horrible. Initially when you said something you know I struggle with, I was upset. Then when you saw it bothered me you response really made me angry. I suspect you think I totally shut down was because I was triggered. That was only partially true. I was very with you. I didn't say anything about the anger and now I regret it. As always you said to reach out if I needed support between appointments. Not sure about telling you how I feel.

I contacted you. Please respond.

I totally spaced your birthday the other day. I wonder did you notice that you didn't get my usual birthday wishes email? Well, belated happy birthday anyway! I think my forgetting about it is a sign that yes, I should bring up my thoughts about reducing sessions again.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Your response was very disappointing.

So that went better than expected. Still not sure you fully get the depth of my feelings and it still seems like you don’t really want to explore my past, just focus on the present so I guess we need to have that conversation because I know I won’t heal without processing all the stuff from childhood. It was nice to hear you say that you care, although I’m not sure if I believe you. And when you told me you were so proud of me at the end that seemed so genuine but I’m not sure how I feel about that. I guess it felt weird and.....uncomfortable. Nobody has ever told me they were proud of me.
But next week is the last week for our break so I expect that is going to turn in to a s**t show like it usually does. Please prove me wrong.

Dear T,
I kept wanting to ask you something about our evening session last Wednesday, but was afraid that what you would say in response would ruin my feeling of intense gratitude toward you. And my sense of being truly cared for.

But then I had a realization last night about it. How even if you did feel some of the things I was afraid you felt--like frustration or annoyance at having your night disrupted--that wouldn't mean you don't care or that you're tired of me or anything like that. So, I think now maybe we could talk about it, with me framing it that way toward you, and you maybe just sorta being like "yep!" Or even if you don't say your actual feelings on it. Because I think it suggests some sort of progress that I figured this out on my own.

Of course, part of me wants you to be like, "I was glad I could be there for you" or "It was no problem at all," but that's not realistic. Maybe some--even most--T's would say that, but not you!


Love,
LT

Hi R,

Thank you for your support today. Seeing you holding the book was a beautiful moment.
It sucks that we haven't been able to share this milestone in the same space.

I really appreciate your willingness to show me that you are unafraid of my feelings (although not unmoved by them - I caught that too.)

I am exhausted after today's session. Thank you for offering an alternative next week.

I have worked hard on being able to express emotion safely with you. The thought of losing it whilst wearing a mask is somehow worse.

Dear T,

I am hoping you are feeling much better now. When I saw you drive by me yesterday it felt good to see you even though it was only for a second. I look forward to your call next week to set up some appointments. I have been having a tough time and it seems like it's getting harder.
Love
Cheryl

Week 15 without you tomorrow. I still think I've grown and changed during this time. Music in particular has been so much more helpful then the other session with the other T G in the past week.

I was listening to this video yesterday about shame that ended with the line "because we deserve to live" and for the first time I actually believed it. Only took me four years to get to this point, but I'm glad.