I used to get these a lot, but I guess I haven't had them in a while. Was ticking along, doing pretty well. Then... On friday (the day I have to get up at 6am to go and see my t) I found myself awake at 4am. Kind of awake and then dozing and so on. Remembering... Thinking... Ruminating... On stuff. Tears streaming down my face. I feel... Almost compelled to do this. I know I could distract myself with some systematic desensitisation or possibly even return to sleep by way of focusing on how my breathing feels. But sometimes I feel kind of compelled to remember / ruminate.

It is like... I've had a lot of experiences of intense distress in my life. And sometimes my brain kind of needs / wants to do that...

I told my therapist about this. Near the end of the session. And I told him about one of the memories.

I was in hospital. One of the skills trainers (who I found hard to get on with) was there. They were going to discharge me that afternoon and I wasn't so happy about that. Didn't feel ready to go.

She was giving me a 'good talking to'. Saying 'the problem with you is that xxx' I can't remember what precisely she was saying. I remember I just wanted her to stop. I might have tried to say something... To get her to stop... Eventually...

Missed time.

Apparaently I flew at her. Punching and kicking her. Didn't really hurt her because I was so disorganized. We were right outside the nurses station (with glass windows) so they came out pretty quick and went to grab me off her. I collapsed into this little curled up ball on the floor. And screamed. I was mortified.

I remember it (episodically) now. But at the time... I just remember coming round in bed. Not sure if I got a shot of something for that... Not sure.

But that is one of those things. In the memory I'm embodied and I'm punching and kicking her fairly ineffectually. Just feel: PAIN. she was hurting me. Pain.

Then our time was up.

Haven't been feeling so good since.

One more session on Monday then we have a break for a month.
A break for Australia day, then I'm off to the US...

:-(

[jacq10]

((((((Alexandra)))))

I'm not sure what to say exactly, but i wanted to send a hug your way. Sounds like you're trying to deal with some pretty intense things...

Sometimes i feel rumination to be actually beneficial... helps to "process" with what we've been through. All in moderation of course..


Jacq

Yeah. My therapist really likes Briere's stuff on the "self trauma model" (I posted something about that in another forum). I found a lecture that he had given available free online, so I listened to that the other day. Briere talks about how the traumatic remembering is the brain trying to process the stuff. He talks about how the active reliving / remembering is an adaptive response, the brain trying to process it. But sometimes it doesn't do so well.

Mine isn't doing so well, I guess. There was something else, too... Another memory that gets me. Something that I'm embarrassed to talk about because I'm embarrassed that it has effected me so...

I'm trying to figure what it was about this situation that makes it one of these things that recurrs to me. Was the lady like my mother in not noticing my distress and proceeding on not realising how much she was hurting me? Yeah. I never lashed out at my mother, though. With my mother, I'd just curl up. And never scream out loud. Not sure what all that was about... Just... Feeling really invalidated, I guess.

Thanks for caring.

[Kiya]

I'm sorry you have to go so long without t - will you have phone conversations?
kiya

hey. we might do some emailing. he said he would, but we will see, i guess. i'll probably be busy anyways. not sure how much I'll be able to email him. Thanks.

hey. we might do some emailing. he said he would, but we will see, i guess. i'll probably be busy anyways. not sure how much I'll be able to email him. Thanks.

[ECHOES]

i think it's also good to think about why rememberances / dreams come up at a particular time. Why this memory? Why now?

I totally agree that ruminating can be an attempt to work through / process. There have been times I get a new perspective when ruminating. Other times not, but maybe those times I get better connected to the event and my emotions about it. Anyway, I think there is usually a reason and some kind of growth involved.

Off to the US? Welcome, in advance alex!

[MissCharlotte]

((((Alex)))))

Not wanting to leave T? Curling up in a ball will make you stay with him?

So sorry this is dragging up those difficult memories but you are integrating it now, eh?

I hope you and T can keep in contact occasionally by e mail as you said. That might help you know that this relationship will continue and will endure despite the break.

Hang in there. Have a great trip. You are brave.

Peace.

[sunrise]

That's an intense memory, alex. Sounds indeed like you are trying to process it. (I know what my T would say--let's do some EMDR.) I hope you can continue to work through these traumatic times from your past. CBT style coping strategies, such as the breathing, etc., can help us get through these hard patches of remembering, but they do not help us process and get unstuck. The approach to take depends on what the person's goal is.

Very brave of you to bring this up in therapy. I'm sorry you have to leave T at such a critical time. I hope you can keep in touch by email.

Are you visiting BF in the U.S.? What part of the country are you going to? Welcome!

wow alex... that has got to be hard. i am glad that you feel you have some choice tho.. you can choose to allow yourself to continue or to push it away with the techniques you mentioned. i have never felt like i had a choice, even with things that are just ordinary but embarrasing stupid stuff. At night i would replay my little "movie" of all teh dumbass things i'd ever done... trapped.

the month, it's not all with you in the US tho is it? You won't find that part so bad maybe.. being with BF and all.. different surroundings. New and interesting is a great distraction sometimes. Having some physicalality also helps sometimes, someone to hold and be held by. i dunno..

Hey Echoes. I don't know why. I guess this was just one memory. I have lots of them. Just chose to talk about this one because it seemed more manageable to talk about than the others. I guess when I'm really busy I don't have time to do the rumination thing. I've been... Well... A bit slack recently...

Not sure why...

Thanks.

Hey. I think the curling up into a little ball is a way of disappearing or protecting myself more than anything. Screaming isn't very inconspicuous, huh. But I guess it is public. People are less likely to hurt if there are other people around they better regulate what they do. Maybe it was just a way of saying 'she is hurting me'. When the words aren't enough to make her stop... I don't think I did hurt her... But I sure gave her a hell of a fright. Never got a 'little talking to' again. Maybe... That is the point.

I guess I am integrating them a little... But then... The memory has been embodied for a while now. Don't know. Thanks.

Hey. Yeah, I guess it is an intense memory. I'm not sure about EMDR. Happy enough that my therapist hasn't mentioned it, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of people find benefit from it (but then a lot of people found benefit from NLP techniques, strategic application of magnets, and so on). I guess I think... That the mechanisms of change are probably something that can be hooked into without doing the EMDR...

E.g., Briere talks about remembering in a safer environment. The discrepancy between the memory of solitude / fear / pain etc together with the therapist being there being kind and so on. The mismatch between the distressing past and the benign present is meant to rid the memories of their emotive power...

Yeah visiting bf. Going somewhere in the mid-west. (Won't narrow it down anymore than that 'cause I'm a little paranoid about anonymity - sorry)

Hey. It has just been in learning skills like distraction and mindful awareness etc that I've found myself aware of having a choice. Before that... Felt involountary, yeah. I guess I've learned something about the things that get me into that space and the things that sustain it. Knowing I have a choice makes it much more bearable to experience, yeah. It can feel terrifying when you think you are trapped there, huh. Hang in there.

I'm in the US for a little over three weeks. The week before that t is having a couple days off over a long weekend. With my sessions being on Monday and Friday... But I guess I'll be worried about packing and stuff so it won't be so bad. Hopefully things will go alright once I'm there, yeah. And he will be here when I get back, I guess.

Yeah. I miss snuggling! At least it will be winter :-) Would be too hot to snuggle here :-(