How to Jump Back In...

How to jump back in?

So disclaimer – I’m not great at being open and have a lot of apprehension to posting. I’ve had pretty awful experiences forum wise in the past so I just ask you bear with me. I figured I’d start with that so if you find my message too vague, you can perhaps understand a little bit where I’m coming from.

I’m in a position now where I’ve not been in therapy for a while. It helped me more or less for a time when it was something I could afford, but it wasn’t in a traditional setting. My circumstances now allow me to not worry about the monetary aspect of therapy, but I would be confined to a traditional type therapy session and/or telehealth. Long story short – I’m trying to reconcile with myself is going into therapy really worth the effort?

I know it’s mainly questions I have to answer for myself, but I struggle between – “I don’t know what I need to get better, and I’m not sure I want to start all over with someone new” to “You clearly aren’t getting along without intervention. It’s been quite a few years with no progress.”. I feel ashamed of where my life is, and my inability to move forward on my own – not to mention I’m not even insightful enough to know how. I just see a million reasons and turn offs that could happen and it’s really making this a difficult experience for me.

For those of you in therapy, what helped you seek help and maintain your therapist? I guess without a clear indication of what is wrong, just symptoms to my problem present – I feel like I’m not going to get anywhere with it. Again, I don’t want to start all over and there is too much the compacts, compiles and collapses on itself to not integrate every aspect of my life. I mean, everyone knows no one sole thing created your situation… anyway, it’s just more than I really feel like is worth dealing with at times – but I’m not making any progress unless I do.

Any suggestions on how to approach perhaps going back to therapy? Thanks in advance for your responses and please keep them civil. I am fully aware I am the only person who can make the decision to go back, I’m just curious if anyone else has struggled to. I’m looking to relate and be understood, not be judged and told it’s my problem – I already know.

I've been in constant therapy for 8 years now? But I've had 3 Ts in that time period: ex-T, T, and now L.

So I was out of therapy for many years. I had locked myself in my house and almost never went out. My neighbors didn't even know I lived there. Until my husband had a health scare and we decided to go see doctors to get our health back in order. Living life was too scary and hard for me, so my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist. After awhile with the psychiatrist, she suggested I find a therapist. I found ex-T. It was hard starting therapy over, but worth it. I was able to get out of the house more, start driving again, could go grocery shopping, etc. Until she abandoned me. When she abandoned me, I made the choice to see another therapist right away. I knew I couldn't survive the loss on my own. So I started over with T.

I was with T for 4 years. It was really hard at first because we had to balance intake/history with support for the abandonment. But we did it, and T helped me so so much. And all the work with T helped prepare me for L. T took a maternity leave and referred me to L. I wanted to go without a therapist, but T convinced me to just to try L out. I again had to start over. T was right. I did need someone during her leave. And things between L and I worked out so well, that I stuck with L even when T came back.

The reason I'm telling you my story is because I have made the decision to start over with a therapist multiple times. I'm lucky that each time got better. I'm also a believer that things happen for a reason.

If you do decide to go back to therapy, I'd suggest doing some research. Look up what the different modalities are and what modalities usually work for your symptoms/diagnosis. For example: DBT is usually best for Borderline. But most will say it's the relationship that actually matters; rapport. I find both to be true. I think the relationship is most important, AND having the right modality helps a lot.

If/when you do decide to look for a therapist, try to see if they will do an initial 15min phone consult to see if you like the person. After that, trust your gut. I find that my gut instinct is usually right.

I hope that helps some. Best wishes!

Is this due to covid restrictions? How limited are your options exactly? Even within 'traditional' therapy sessions there's a great variance depending on the T's approach and personality.

This sounds kind of familiar I think (not sure I fully understand you). I struggle to really make use of therapy, at least in the sense of becoming more functional and less overwhelmed by everything, but I obviously can't solve whatever the problem is on my own. And I have a lot of shame, and that's partly, or even mainly what gets in the way of therapy, I think. Now I have a therapist that I can apparently work with - everything is too slow to be sure, but at least I'm starting to feel kind of maybe ok with being slow.

I do not know what to say. I think you'll want to find someone more interactive, more into problem solving, maybe one of the skill based approaches for a start? Those might not solve your actual problem, but might give you some tools and insight, to figure out where to start with deeper work. Just stay away from anyone being ignorant of their limitations. You'll likely to bump into those liitations at some point and get blamed for being resistant or otherwise troublesome.

I had one of those 'blank slate' ones for a while, with sometimes entire sessions spent in slicence and no progress whatsoever.

I had counselors that were kind of clueless and not particularly helpful, although still nice to talk with (apart from the times they were particularly unhelpful).

What kind of helped was group therapy - at least to the extent that it normalised the whole concept of therapy and working on myself and stuff. Could learn from the others, just observing. Don't think it'd be much help with where I am now. Sounds like it might not be an option for you.

Psychodrama helped, because it could reach parts of me that talk therapy couldn't, so at least I know it's not just my 'resistance' that's causing problems but that the available tools are not a good fit for my problem. Again, probably not an option for you, just for perspective.

Messed up individual therapy (psychodynamic) helped in roundabout ways, but also did a lot of damage (reached parts that needed reaching, just not in a way that was therapeutic). What kept me in that one was over-attachment to my xT. Current one (psychodynamic, but mixes in other modalities), I desperately needed support after the messed up one. Now that the immediate crisis is over, but everthing still mostly sucks, I just fel like either I come up with a way to make life bearable, or I should start working on an exit plan. But that's kind of scary for a number of reasons, so first I want to make sure I really did try everything I could. Plus, I can almost believe that I can get somewhere useful with this therapist.

Thanks both @ScarletPimpernel and @corbie for your responses. I have to say I appreciate your time and insightful responses. I’m in a weird headspace today and I don’t feel I can sit down and give an appropriate reply to you both right now, but did want to reach out and say I have read your responses and I am deeply grateful for your replies. They both mean a lot. I’ll write more later, promise.

Thanks again.

For me, my world fell apart when my Mum died, but not for the reason most people jump to. Abuse and neglect had been buried in my past, I assumed I had dealt with them but it turned out all I had done is ignored it all. Never a word spoken. I mean it was pretty obvious really, but I didn't care to look at it. I couldn't look at it.

So when she died it was like Pandora's box opened. Clichéd but so true. Wow. I couldn't keep it together, despite the fact that I was ALWAYS the one who kept it together. I was on the verge of starting drugs again or self harming or worse. I managed to confide in someone who basically forced me to get some help. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done, ask for help, but I knew I really needed it.

Here's the big reason. I had worked too hard to build myself a life to go and destroy it again.

And why do I stay? Because I am worth the effort.

I think you have to believe that, on some level, in order to put yourself through therapy.

I hope that you can figure out a way forwards. You are worth the effort. You deserve to be truly happy and if you aren't, then why not give therapy a go. My experience has been very positive.

Ps, I am in a reparenting type therapy, my counselor is humanistic in approach and I interviewed 7 or 8 Ts before I would find someone who would work with me how I wanted. I'm glad I interviewed them well... I definitely weeded out some weirdos and some non understanding people.

Last thing, you say you lack insight, but do you have a gut feeling on what you need?

Take care, and u wish you well x

First and foremost—thanks to all of you for your patience. These days have been kind of rough on me and I’ve had some time to reflect on some of your responses during this time. I want to again explicitly say how much I appreciate your responses and your approach. I’ve mentioned I’ve had very bad experiences with forums, so I feel I was putting myself out in a vulnerable spot. Thank you for words, really and truly.

I’ll try to go in order, and hopefully I cover everything.

@ScarletPimpernel Thank you for your response. You mentioned (and corbie also in the same vein) talked about looking at approaches and modalities with some research to find perhaps a better fit in a therapist. This isn’t something I considered before – maybe being a bit more proactive in my approach of finding a fit rather than passively being assigned might do me some good. I appreciate the suggestion very much! I also felt encourages that it may take a little work, but finding a fit and finding benefit is not out of reach.

@corbie Thanks for your response as well! To answer your questions first:
· My first therapist who I had for 5 years was originally part of a online therapy website but when I could no longer afford it, we switched to personal email and a private payment. So, I was very much used to text-based/messages. I found a lot of luck and benefit with that method – I had chances to reflect and really explore the issue or topic at hand, and I could feel I could reach out in very serious moments without issue, or just shorter messages 2-3 times a week as needed. My therapist retired, so I have been looking for alternatives, since COVID it’s been telehealth almost exclusively which is helpful to be honest because I live in a small rural town with slim pickings for therapists and I’m not even sure any are taking new patients. Approach and personality can vary greatly indeed… I’m just not sure how to go about it. I mean, a step forward is a step forward… even if it’s a bit shaky and without direction, at least it’s not being stagnant right? I should at least be open to trying.
· You mentioned many different therapy types and suggested a starting point for me with skill-based therapy options to the front. I’m going to do some research into some of those and see if I can find someone who would be able to accommodate that.

For what it’s worth, I’m really afraid of being judged too harshly. I tried therapy a while back and something they said kind of scarred me. Please keep in mind they were just a more blunt and calculated type of person, but it really hit hard nonetheless. After the intake, she made this comment “I mean, I don’t want to lead you on. I can’t help you if you can’t help yourself. I will work with you and all, but if you don’t think it’ll make a difference, this is useless.” – this comment seems kind of out of the blue. I was actively seeking therapy and in my position, I couldn’t see specific feelings, actions, needs, changing… she wasn’t wrong in her analysis, but it wasn’t a helpful statement. I felt disillusioned. I’m beyond help because I can’t even help myself.

For that reason, I’m really afraid to go into therapy without a clear understand of what I need, where I am, a plan to move forward, and a goal. I feel even worse I can’t seem to get myself to have a clear idea of that either.
I’ll let that lead into my response to @Waterbear . I’m sorry to hear about your mother passing. I definitely understand the sentiments you expressed, about unresolved feelings from traumas with family members and then they pass. It’s kind of you to say such kind words to me, that I’m worth the effort. I think that may be a bit of my problem to start with. If you don’t mind me asking-- what are your therapy sessions like? As in, how is it structured? I’ve not heard much about that therapy style.

As for a gut feeling as to what I need? Honestly I don’t. If I am to be honest (and again, I don’t like feeling vulnerable) – I don’t know what is wrong with me. We all know we are more than just a summation of labels of diagnoses, or even experiences. I just deep down feel I’m beyond the reach of anyone who can put me in bounds with typical human behaviors. I don’t like people, I don’t work, I don’t leave my house – I feel like most experiences have with people are generally negative. I mean beyond so much trauma growing up and as an adult and my lack of any real positive relationships I just feel the only common denominator is me, and I don’t know how to change it and I can’t change how I feel. I fight so hard to be understood, and it’s exhausting. I don’t want to share much more than that – but I’m not even sure I am capable of being independent anymore, if I ever was .. I fought so hard for that and lost it all.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for your comments. Maybe soon I’ll make a phone call and see if I can find a therapist. Here’s to hoping.

To anyone who is reading:
I wanted to give you a quick update on the scenario for anyone interested. It’s gotten a bit complicated and I’m at a loss of words really, but It is what it is. So, I did call today to see about getting an appointment for therapy. The last therapist I saw, who I am not sure is a great fit, is booked up until the 20th. I really would like to see someone before then. I’m not in a “crisis” but I’m suffering a lot these days and would just like something as soon as possible. I asked about seeing someone else. I was told I would have to terminate my current therapist and never see her again if I did that. I’m not sure that’s the best option, again, I don’t want to start all over. I asked about perhaps getting my medical records and trying somewhere else. Again, I would have to pick them up in person or find a place and give authorization to give my forms to them. The problem with both options is that the location of these services is almost 2 hours away. I live in a small town and there’s no way I’m going to find something here, especially considering how quickly I would like to start. Also, if I used another service, they would stop seeing me. It is a pretty standard thing and makes sense – rapport has to be developed and if I’m seeing another therapist, it doesn’t make much sense…

I know I’m not in a crisis, but the suffering is awful. I just don’t want to suffer through this alone, and I don’t have social support or even a therapist. I’m asking too much of everyone around me to accommodate for my issues. It’s not my therapists fault she’s booked up, if I saw her consistently, I wouldn’t have this problem. I know this is all my own doing so I’ll just suffer with it I suppose. I told the receptionist I’ll call back later and let her know what I will do.

I’m leaning to just accepting the appoint on the 20th and struggle till then. At least it’s a concrete timeframe. I will just make due with what I have.

Thanks for reading. Also don’t feel compelled to reply, I’m not trying to keep this topic towards the top or keeping it alive. Those who have contributed have been appreciated and very much valued from my end. Thank you for that. This is about the end of the story so to speak, so I won’t add anything else.



Thanks again for reading.

It does make things difficult (for the therapist as well) if you don't have that clarity, and many therapists can't handle it. But therapy should also be a place where you get help figuring those things out, because where else? My xT was pretty hopeless with my directionless, fragmented mess. Current one can at least tolerte it and some things are slowly starting to take shape. Will answer more later.