How do you move forward from a violation of confidentiality?

I think that's one of the reasons I want to work things out with L. 1. I don't want to throw a good 2 year relationship away. 2. It was a mistake; albeit a big one. 3. I know she had good intentions and didn't mean to hurt me. 4. I normally would trash a relationship after one rupture, but instead, I'm trying to work through it.

L has been very good to me through this. She is not being defensive, is offering me additional support, and wants me to be open and direct with my thoughts and feelings. It's exactly how I know her to be which is helping. Even in yesterday's session, we still hugged and said our "I love yous". We clarified that it doesn't make things all better, but that it's our commitment to still try to work through this hurt.

Wow, I'm so very sorry you are going through this.

It was definitely NOT okay for your therapist to speak with anyone else in your family (or anyone in your life) without a signed consent from you. Furthermore, she breached confidentiality in a huge way by acknowledging (even if by default) that you are her client. This is a big no-no and kind of a basic tenet of therapist/client confidentiality.

You have every right to feel angry, sad, upset, and confused. I would feel the same way. I hope you give yourself lots of space and kindness as you work through this. Whether this rupture is reparable or not (which is only for you to decide), this will still have trust implications for you going forward with any therapist. This is a big deal. Don't let anyone tell you it is not.

This sounds like progress to me. That you've grown through therapy. I think you'll be able to work it out with L. I agree that you should keep talking, writing, etc. as much as you need to.

I think that is a great start. Honestly, in my experience with being hurt by my therapist thr only thing that works is to just keep talking about it. Talk about thr mixed feelings you may have about being how you felt about her being involve in the planning but also being hurt that she called your sister. IFor me directing all of the mixed feelings and getting to the root of them is all the really helps. I also find that doing so has strengthend our relationship in time. It isn't a quick fix when it comes to repairing trust. It sounds like you have both worked on a plan for the future which is also great and hopefully will in time also make you feel safe.

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are hurting and to offer you some hugs if you would like. Kit

Its under stable why you feel hurt and betrayed. L should not have contacted anyone without your consent. It sounds to me like a lot of boundary violations are happening. L seems to have violated your boundaries around contact with your family. I am also confused as to what any of this has to do with your sister and the card. L should have mailed it to you or given it to you in a session, plain and simple. It also seems like you guys are on a slippery slope with what a therapist should and should not do as a paid professional. If you choose to keep working with her then I think its important to plan and write out what the boundaries are between the two of you and how they will be followed in the future and how to keep this line from getting this blurred between you. As for moving on from it, talking about it with her, writing her a letter you could or could not send to her expressing exactly how you feel, and then deciding if you want to forgive her and try to move on or if that's not possible and you move on to another therapist. This is still fresh so try to let some of the strong emotions settle before making a big decision when you have had time to really reflect and decide what it is you want. It seems you spend a lot of time on issues with your therapist than anything else and if a therapist is not crossing that ethical professional line then you wouldn't get hurt so much and spend this much time and energy on this stuff. I have been burned by a therapist who was not ethical and crossed many lines and I would have given anything for someone to point that out to save me from future hurt. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

We are in the process of writing out a specific and personalized confidentiality agreement. It's based on a standard one, but much more detailed. And from now on, she's going to get written consent from me if she talks to someone. She thought verbal consent was enough. I thought so too, until this. She misunderstood me, my boundaries, the situation. She got caught up in the excitement, and didn't think how her actions would impact me. Now we both know better. That verbally, things can be misunderstood.

What she did was unethical, but I cannot say she's an unethical therapist. Somethings she does, do affect me. Losing her keys, for example, was a mistake. She didn't realize how much if would impact me seeing her drive away. It doesn'take her unethical, and it does impact me.

There are things about L that I don't share on here that explains some of why things happen. And then mix that with my trauma and it equals ruptures. Most are minor. This one is major. She definitely wasn't trying to hurt me; the opposite really.

Sometimes I wish I could share more about my relationship with L here, but it would violate my personal and relational privacy. I have my boundaries even here. My relationship with L is special and scared. And I want it to stay that way. It's why this break in confidentiality is so big.

Anyways... I asked L for a phone call today, so I have that. I also sent her a bunch of quotes I relate to. And I'm thinking of drawing her a picture to show her how I feel. She wants me to connect with and express my feelings in whatever way feels best. I'm also working on a project for her tjat I started at the beginning of this year. If I finish early, I'm going to give it to her early. I'm doing this to hold onto the connection and commitment I have with her.

Great! It sounds like you're using healthy ways to work through the pain of having your confidentiality betrayed.

You know her the best. If you know she was not trying to hurt you or loose your trust with this then you know in your heart what needs to be done. You may just want to listen better. I really do hope you can work it out. You are lucky to have a good therapist and I think its great you keep the relationship private.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel I have to disagree. Completely! L is NOT allowed to talk to my family without my consent. It is unethical for a T to do so. That would be like them talking to a clients past T or their Pdoc without consent. L knew she was calling my sister because my sister identified herself in the voicemail. Can you please stop arguing on this point? I asked to not analyze this, and yet you did. Maybe where you're at, a T can contact whoever they please about you, bit here, if 100% not okay. L knows this. It's not something I'm making up.

488-Does HIPAA permit a doctor to discuss a patient’s health with the patient’s family and friends | HHS.gov

FAQ On Access to Patient Information by Friends and Family | American Civil Liberties Union

I’m only sharing these with you so You can protect yourself going forward.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Talked to L today on the phone. We did a safety check-in first, then we talked about trust. She made a good point: part of me still trusts her. And I think that's why I haven't given up. I do trust her to be honest with me, and that's a big thing.

Madame T never broke confidentiality, that I know of. And now I think of it, it's not especially important to me.

I'd be really interested in hearing Ts explanation of how you can continue after she's lost your trust.

Her reaction thus far seems to be "so sue me", which is not what I would want from a T.
I would be, "I don't want to punish you. I want you to make it up to me."

Come on guys! She felt what she felt. It's not our job to talk her out of it.

Hugs if wanted, SP. I feel you might need to talk about all your feelings to L, like you're already doing, for as long as you need. I'm glad she is offering you extra support and trying to own up to her major mistake.

That contract on who she may contact about what etc that you're already working on with L is good.

I'm not judging L or you, and I definitely hope you can process everything and come to a conclusion in your heart that brings you peace.

If that had happened to me or many other clients of my T, any such client (facing violence, coercive control) might have literally been prevented from leaving the household to seeT for therapy. What if say... my abusive parents coerced me into giving T's email etc to them? I did have to talk with T on what she would do if my abusive brother or parents followed me to the clinic, as I've been followed before. She told me how she would ensure my confidentiality.

I gave my pdoc and T permission to talk to each other but I'd expect them to inform me they wanted to, as well as the content.

Just want to validate that it's best for both parties in the dyad to be very clear about third party contact.

L has been really good with me through this. She's not being defensive or trying to put any responsibility on me. She owns what she did and has apologized for it multiple times.

I do want her to make it up to me. And I want here to feel what I feel. But I don't think either of those are realistic. How do you make-up for something like this? And how can you feel, truly feel, what another person is feeling? She is stepping up the support and is letting me vent to her all I want. She's accepting my anger and other feelings. She's taking this very seriously. I don't know what more I can ask of her. She's already doing everything I've asked for. I wish she could fulfill some of my fantasies, but that's another thing that's not realistic.

Where are *you* in all of this, Scarlet? You are organising yourself around her and her responses to you, but what are you missing when you cast yourself as the wronged one? Whilst it was her responsibility to uphold boundaries around contact with family (she failed), you participated in the breach. From your descriptions here, I think you baited the contact. And I think that is ok because you were seeking to have a need met.

It seems like you want people here to only say how awful it is, to offer support and suggestions, and to gloss over the uncomfortable reality of your role. I don't think anyone here has been analysing or being mean. People have asked questions and highlighted confusions - all with the aim of helping you to understand the situation better for yourself. I don't think you do yourself any favours by reinforcing your role as the betrayed one and your therapist's role as the penitent. As you say, what you want is impossible - she can't feel what you feel - and there are not enough sorrys for her to say which will appease your hurt (maybe because the hurt is displaced and, at its core, is not truly about the confidentiality breach). If you can tolerate the whole range of your feelings, and not just those which crave renewed intimacy and heartfelt apology from her, you might see something new about yourself.

None of this is said with malice and I am posting in good faith, although I suspect you won't like it. I know that when I began to look at the really unwelcome parts of myself, I made some progress. To move on from ruptures now, I ask what was I doing in the fracture. I try to do so without blame (for myself or her), but to acknowledge that I have agency and I contribute - with the hope that I can move things for myself.

I don't understand what you want from me. To say my role (which I said that's not what this thread is about)? My role is that I gave my dad L's number. I wasn't "baiting" her (btw, that's mean imo). I truly thought my sister was just going to leave a message for L and that's it. The core is that it's a violation of confidentiality. Do you not think L and I have been analyzing it? You think I'm putting 100% of the blame on her? It's not a blame game. It's admitting to our roles. Just because I'm not posting about my role, doesn't mean that I don't own up to it. L and I call it the dance. And we talk about it. I would prefer if I made the mistake, that my role was bigger, that I take responsibility for this rupture. It's easier and more comfortable for me because I'm used to it. The things I want are fantasies. And that's okay. At least I can identify it as such and not have unrealistic expectations. Which is why I posted: to find realistic ways to cope. As far as an unmet need: sure I have unmet needs. Who doesn't? Another person cannot meet all your needs. I'm not in denial about that. I had no expectations on L. She could of had many options: not listen to my sister's request, send me the card, give the card to me. I didn't even know that this whole thing was over a card! L and I agreed from the start that there is no obligated gifting especially for anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays. There's more "rules", bit that's not the point.

Look, I'm actually doing really good about this situation. There are many decisions I could have made (i.e. find another T or report her). Thanks to what L has taught me, I can still see the good in her; that her action was bad, but she's not bad. I am coping, I'm not in denial, I'm not punishing myself, I'm talking out instead of acting out, I'm using my supports, I'm being open and honest about my thoughts and feelings, etc.

Can you now please stop with this? I answered your questions: my role, that I didn't "bait" L, and I wasn't seeking about an unmet need. If you can't see my progress, that's on you.

It isn't mean to point out a potentially undesirable behaviour in an other! I am not attacking you, undesirable behaviours are human. I don't think my points are being understood, either I am not expressing myself well or you can't hear what I am saying.

I won't contribute to the thread any more, I seem to be aggravating you and that isn't my intention. It's not my concern to see your progress, that's for you to do and you seem to be happy with how things are going.

You ask people not to analyse the situation, but for me that's actually one of the ways to cope with it. To put that betrayal into context, what either of you were hoping to achieve or gain, your family dynamics, whatever the heck your sister might be up to. Not assigning blame or responsibility, on the contrary, taking painstaking effort to stick to just seeing causes and effects. My own experience is that such understanding (even if partial) can go a long way towards bridging the gap between still wanting to love the person for all the good parts, but also feeling like I should disown them for the bad. Or myself. It kind of helped with the big rupture with xT. Only kind of, because we kept getting stuck in the 'blame game' (but then she got very defensive very easily, and so do I) and because all the logic and rational thinking in the world can't seem to replace emotional validation (which, almost felt like xT was making a point of not giving me? Well, in any case, I wasn't getting it).

Otherwise, seems like you're already doing everything I could think of.

Also, umm sorry, analysing again, but it feels important ... what really hit me was trying to imagine your family situation ... what turns this thing from a confused 'right, technically a breach of confidence, but no indication that anyone found out anything they didn't already know' to 'o **** this is bad' in my mind is that somehow by not acting the way you agreed on (well yes that's already problematic in itself), and you told your family you expect her to, she did give out some difficult-to-grasp but very visceral bit of information about the connection between you, and who knows what else she might have revealed implicitly and unwittingly, even if she was very careful not to divulge anything and made sure the card was as generic as possible. This sort of stuff could be completely harmless with a trustworthy and supportive family, but could cause a lot of hurt with a suitably toxic one. And in any case, it really isn't anyone else's business.

I am analyzing things with L. I asked for people to not analyze it here because that's not what I was looking for. I understand that I need to analyze it, tease out facts vs emotion, reality vs fantasy? or unrealistic expectations, and own my role in this. I don't need others here analyzing my dynamics with L which is what people have been doing. They are putting their own thoughts and feelings towards my personal situation. And to me that is not supportive especially since I never asked for it and even clearly stated multiple times to not do it.

There's also the fact that I don't share every little detail. For example, you all don't know that I allow L to look at some of my threads. You all don't know that I've already sent an email analyzing the whole dynamic of the situation. I tell you all the good things I'm doing, and it seems like you don't care. Most are just focused on my role or me playing victim. I accept my role. I accept my mistake. I allowed my sister into the relationship. I didn't take into account my desire for privacy and protecting my relationship from an unsafe family member. And like L, I got caught up in the excitement of the surprise. I didn't do it to test or "bait" L. I didn't do it out of harm or malice.

However, that's not why I was posting this thread. I wasn't looking for anyone to bash L. I wasn't wanting to end my relationship with her or to report her. She made a mistake. She's human. So am I!!! I just wanted to know how to move forward with broken trust. I have never done this. I don't know the process or if a positive outcome is possible. All I know from my history is writing off the person, disowning them. So I was looking for advice on how to cope. I was looking for support for my feelings. I just was trying to do my best to get through this is a healthy way.

But clearly no one is understanding that. I do not feel heard by the people analyzing my situation in their own opinions of it. I do not feel seen. And I do not feel supported.

I do thank all of you who haven't judged my situation, me, or L. She is a good person and a good therapist. I am going to continue to use my skills that L has taught me. I am determined to move forward with her and heal.

I just want to weigh in a bit, since you are asking how do you come back from something like this. I'll draw a comparison, my long time partner cheated on me a few years ago. We broke up for a period of time, but then came back together.

I'd say it takes time and repeated processing of the things that have happened. You might not feel too good about her for a period of time, but IF you still feel like you want to stick with her, it doesn't sound to me like she's a very irresponsible person or someone who you cannot trust. It will most probably go back and forth for a while between feeling comfortable with her/her presence and feeling uncomfortable and mistrusting. It takes quite some work to get through something like this, by which I mean talking about it again if you don't feel good again, and her showing through always responding the way she has so far, as well as not make more slip-ups. But if that's an option for you that you want to try, I think that can work, the same has worked with my partner. Sometimes there's days you despise them and still you can tell them and they don't leave. Bother parties understand what has happened, who's done what wrong and by now we are able to sometimes even joke about it.

This of course is an investment of time and resources into it, which I think can be fruitful, but that of course depends on you.

It sounds to me that you're coping really well with the situation. You're being open and you are working through the confidentiality issue with L. I'm sure you're both learning a lot from this event.

I definitely want to keep investing into this relationship. Her honesty IS trustworthy. That is number one in our relationship, and I trust her with that.

Thank you for sharing your experience! I'm glad it worked out for you. I hope it works out for L and me too. Like she said to me: we have 27 months invested into this relationship. There have been ups and downs, but overall good, positive, healthy growth. I want more than anything to move forward. I do go back and forth between trusting her and not trusting her, and pain vs joy. Last session she offered me a hug. Before we hugged, we identified that what she did was wrong, and that the hug was meant to comfort me; not her. And it didn't mean everything was okay. I felt a lot of mixed emotions in that hug, but ultimately it felt good and safe and connecting. Maybe that's why I have more hope than earlier this week: because I could still feel our bond and connection.