Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear Covering IOP T, thanks for being supportive, validating, and positive today. Thank you for seeing my ability to tolerate distress. That is something I have been working on. Thank you for leaving me in a better place than when we first started. I look forward to talking with you next week. Thanks, Kit

Looking forward to tomorrow, hopefully you’ll be able to help with this issue I’ve identified. I think you’re right to be concerned about how I might feel if the ‘side quest’ doesn’t work out. Had an email conversation with D today - we just have to wait and see what happens, basically, and my mind was going to some bad places after that. I’m hoping for the best and trying to prepare for the worst, but I wasn’t expecting to feel as wobbly as I did after talking to her.
Might just be that I need to have patience, but it’s the not knowing what will happen that’s so difficult to bear.

Dear Potential New T,

Thank you for your email today. It's nice to be able to look back at your words... It helps. I struggle to remember much about the sessions right now, and don't remember what you say, so it is helpful to have written words to refer to when I am thinking, trying to find a way forwards.

Maybe my Little One can come to see you... I was already thinking of showing you the picture and poem I am making for Ex T, and last week I even brought the box of treasures... But I don't know how to share those with you when I can't even turn towards you or look at you.

Sitting side by side always did work for me, because it feels like you aren't staring at me expectantly.... Not that I actually feel that from you too much anyway. But it might be easier and I agree that it would be good to work on exploring that.

They will have the carpet in there hopefully, that will be good. I hope it's a decent carpet, though in all honesty I'm expecting blue carpet tiles!! Funny how that should happen right after I tell you my vision of being on the floor spread out with pens and paper etc. That would be much more comfortable on the floor!!

Anyway, thanks again, and see you 'soon'.

As if you give a ****

You're my favorite person in the whole wide world right now. I wished my own family cared as much as you do. (Technically, I did say this to my T in an email, but not in person via video chat - since I don't do in-person during a pandemic. She keeps trying to get me to share some of what I share in emails online when we are in session, but I'm still too nervous.)

Pdoc please don’t say anything that will make me regress regarding transference T. I am at a very good place right now in my head and I don’t want that to get messed up by you bringing her up.

Dear T,
Thanks, that was all very helpful and validating. Including your thought that maybe ex-MC felt a bit of anxious butterflies seeing me sitting there as well--as opposed to complete indifference or "ugh, thought I was rid of her." Also, good--I think?--to know that you didn't consider the temporary termination between us to be at the level of "icky."


And you've heard of The Cure and the Smiths--perhaps there is hope for you musically yet!

Love,
LT

Dear Regular IOP T: I'm thinking about you. It would be our session time right now. Are you thinking of me? A small part of me hopes so but a bigger part of me just wants you to enjoy your vacation and come back refreshed so we can work out the knots in our relationship before it has to end. I hope you're having fun! HUG Kit

Dear E. Even though you are expensive (for me), I think we were meant to work together. Tonight was hard (like every week), but you were able to bring me out of the intense sadness into the present, enough to go home. I greatly appreciated that. You are kind of great!

I know the first time is always ok when too many meds and a therapy session are involved. But after that if it continues it becomes an issue and it can affect the client therapist relationship. Believe me I know. So that’s why I threw out 2 out of 3 of my various types of melatonin and I’m just going to stick with the one kind. I respect you more then I have respected a lot of therapists and I like how you are handling my issues. I want to continue to have a good relationship with you. I also ordered those protein drinks since you said I need more protein.

Hey L! The first day of this weekend's 'shamanic worldview' workshop was pretty wonderful. It really gives you a bigger perspective on things, eh? There are 4 other students again besides me. I'm feeling more comfortable about talking/sharing in the breakout rooms and also with the group as a whole, it helps that it's a small group anyway - sharing with 5 other people is easier than with a really big group. I don't know why I was ever shy about sharing in the first place, the people this kind of work attracts are not generally mean or judging types - and we're on Zoom besides, in different areas of the country, so I'll likely never meet any of these folks in person anyway. I'm glad I chose to share as much as I did today! I'm so grateful that you told me about the foundation and encouraged me in doing these workshops. My big takeaway from the first day, is that I need to incorporate my shamanic practice into ALL areas of my life including at work.

I think I’m making some more progress - what you said yesterday felt insightful and I wish I’d understood it when I was younger. My life is finally starting to make sense, at least.
Also 11/10 for kitty interaction. I wouldn’t have cared if she had ruined the paper I laid on the coffee table, it’s not like it told me anything useful anyway.

No thanks to you, I AM CURED!!!! Just gotta tap into my super human powers of not needing sleep or food and having limitless amounts of energy! Be proud because I have showered twice this week! I know that's more than you think is necessary, but I am an overachievvar if I do say so myself. Where am I? Doesn't matter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT DOESN'T ****ING MATTER AND YOU CAN GO TO HELL, last interaction with you was you telling me to walk into the woods and never come bakc (at least that's how I interpreted it), but I walked in to the woods and I did come back because I'm OKAY with being LOST in the FROST>! And your 80 calorie a day diet is working wonders, except i had a doughnut instead of yogurt today and probably already burned all that off doing HIIT and running but it's okay because I'm still a total fatass! I GET IT! yOgurt is God! Please don't wellness chek me, I'm doing WONDERS for the world, gonna start a farm maybe, gets some goats with oats and boats. Plus I'm NOT HOME BEcause my dad is back and I can't do drugs with hhim anymore, just gonna play my guitar in the car. Packing up to leave forever. Remember that time you told me to go **** myself? Yeah, I did, annd i feel so much better now. You should advise that to all your clients <3
With love,, a client with hate.

Hey L. We finished day 2 of the workshop about 40 minutes ago. What a lovely weekend I have had spending time with like souls. Even if it was 'just' on Zoom, I could really feel the togetherness today, as in, it didn't feel like we were in different areas of the country. My big takeaway from today is an even stronger feeling than yesterday that i need to be this in my entire life overall. More than 'just' a spiritual practice, it's a way of living, a way of seeing the world. I'm going to do as many workshops as I can while they're still online.

Me again L. I woke up this morning from an auditory-only dream about 5 minutes before my alarm went off. So I laid there repeating in my head what the distinctly male voice said in my dream. It was about resolving complexes. I am going to be thinking on this a lot today during work, and will research it later. It has been on my mind lately, wondering just how one resolves a complex.... for me specifically, I'm thinking about this lifelong guilt complex that has so directed my life thus far. Thinking about something Jung wrote about how complexes can have us - well yeah this one has "had me" for a long time and I'm ready to get out of its grip.

I love dreams. I'm thinking the workshop the past 2 days, doing so much journeying, has sparked my dream-maker, for it to give me that message in this morning's dream. See it's stuff like this right here, that makes me say, I don't ever want to stop this work. I don't feel the need to see you every week anymore, but it's so true for me that more than ever it's part of who I am and as necessary as water and air and I plan to keep talking with you once a month or something as long as you'll have me.

Hi R,

I really hope we get the chance to speak on Thursday.
Anything that pertains to the safeguarding training, however adjacent, takes me right back to what that training illuminated in my life.

There are so many ******* layers, and there just seem to be more and more.

Take care,

Lost

Please Pdoc don’t say anything that will mess with my head regarding transference T. I’ve been doing so good with not stressing about her much at all.

Also I need to tell you about therapy last Tuesday because I promised my therapist I would. But I don’t want you thinking things are going bad because I do feel fine I just don’t sleep good. But I don’t want my meds adjusted or anything added or taken away. Just please keep things the same.

I hope you don’t get pissed at me about anything.

Here I am again, L. So, I've been doing some reading about existential guilt, which I've realized is most of mine - it's an interesting thing, eh?

It's funny, it is, that while I have known about this particular complex in an intellectual way for longer than I've known you, I haven't truly known it within myself before now. But I'm starting to. This is good stuff, methinks. I'm going to have a lot to talk about when next we meet.

I'm trying to understand how what I learned from this morning's dream can relate to resolving this particular complex. Maybe they never actually resolve, but instead, we become intimately familiar enough with them so that they no longer have us - instead, we just know that we have them, that they are just another part of our psyche, and as such, information to use when processing day to day situations. Something like that anyway.

t,

the “take good care” makes me think you’re more concerned about my situation than you let on. should I be worried?

me

Dear T,
I'm worried about the jury duty thing. I know I seemed fine about it during session, but now it's concerning me more. What if you do get picked? What if it's a long trial? What if you have to sequester or something (I doubt that, but still something that comes to mind). I'm very appreciative that you're trying to set things up so that I could still potentially have the usual number of sessions next week, if you get dismissed before the end of the day. But you seem a bit overconfident that you'll be able to get out of it.


I may end up emailing you about this, but I'll try not to...

And thanks for being so empathetic about the stuff with D, too. Your comment about the magic wand was touching. I did contact P, so we'll see.

Love,
LT

Dear covering IOP T: Please say yes. Thanks, Kit

You were strange today. But I was just focusing on what you were saying and what my current therapist and I are working on that I didn’t give my transference T a thought the entire session. I did throw out a bit of shade when I said “she didn’t immediately say I needed to go to the hospital the way some therapists would.” I don’t know if you understood I was being shady since people don’t always get it.

Still wondering why you mentioned the test. You likely know the impact that would have on me, almost regardless of the result. Did you forget who you were writing to for a second?


Back to trusting you, although that is hard...

Dear T,
Sorry for asking that--I doubt you'll have anything, and I have a limited window that morning anyway, so the chances of it working out are slim. Plus you probably won't get picked for a jury anyway. I think it's the not knowing that's difficult for me and that you won't know until they make a decision that day. And if you did get picked, then it would be day to day as well, unless they say to plan for at least a week or something.

Hm...I guess this ties in for me with the whole uncertainty of the pandemic, doesn't it? And my anxiety around that?

Love,
LT

Hey T. I am feeling increasingly guilty that i seem to be feeling strong feelings in my sessions with E. Feelings that I don’t often feel with you.

What does that mean? That i shouldn’t work with you anymore? That would make me so sad! I’ve spent the last two sessions in E’s office curled up and holding tears in. Is it the art component? I don’t know. I know I have to tell you how we are starting to process stuff with J, and that is going to eff me up, i know it.