Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T, I am never going to tell you this secret no matter how many times or ways you bring it up. Sorry.

Today's 'How are you doing?' was wonderful. I felt like you were modelling the compassionate way of asking...and it reminded me of how I imagine you would interact with your beautiful cat.

Yes, you should.

And no, you don't.

L
You were late again. Another straw...

Dear New T (Temp T??)

How do I know if I am making the right decision. I guess that's the thing, isn't it, we don't know. We can never truly know. I think I just have to take the leap and go for it, and make the most of what I then have. At least I will have tried it. And I DO think it is the right decision, I am just letting my doubting mind creep in for some reason.

I wanted to email you this week, about something that we talked about, but I don't know what it was anymore. I got caught up in my interaction with Old T and that became the focus for the next day or two, so I completely forgot what was on my mind. I need to be careful that I don't let that overshadow what I am trying to do here, which is to move forwards. To a better place. A more open place. A more.... healed place? I think? Is that what I am doing here? I'm not sure. I wanted to use this time with you to try and figure out what life looks like now, and that DOES include not having Ex T as my T, and it MAY include having Ex T as.... something else. So I guess it is all part of the journey in a way.

I would like to feel 'in the room' with you. I wonder how we can do that? Maybe I will bring my game on Tuesday. Maybe. I don't know. It's like I want to get to know you a bit better, but I also don't want to go through this again. Hmmmmmmm........ maybe I don't have to. Maybe we need to talk about your plan if anything happens to you....

I just think that the other lady I was seeing was better for the trauma. Why? Because she seemed to bring out the right parts of me. And she seemed to be able to hold her own against them. Could she also BE there for them though, that's the biggest question. I reckon I could get angry around her. I reckon I could rant and stamp and feel that anger that needs to be felt. She brings that out in me... because I don't like her? Maybe... or maybe because she is the right person.

She was pushy enough to be able to get to the root of it, but I am not sure I can do that at a distance. I don't know. I simply don't know. Maybe like where I am at with this other decision, maybe you just have to trust your gut. Leave the head at the door....

My feelings have gone through a lot of change over the past 2 weeks...

A few more hours! Why does it feel like eons in between sessions?

My god, you can be thoughtless. Here's one way to be more thoughtful: when a client emails you to tell you that they have tested positive for Covid, you can say something like, "I hope you feel ok" or "take good care of yourself" or "I am thinking of you". Feel free to craft your own responses, but these are useful templates for how a caring individual might respond. An uncaring individual might say something like, "thanks for letting me know". Oh wait, does that sound familiar? It does? Yes, that's because that is all you could muster. "Thanks for letting me know". As if I was telling you that you had a flat tyre. Cretin.

L,
The fact that you haven't emailed me yet just shows how busy you are. Stop blaming it on the "season". Just admit you're too busy for me.

I'm glad we were able to meet today. I too like the sand tray I did, it felt good. And, I think I fielded that curve ball you tossed out pretty darn well, don't you? See you next week.

I wonder... I don't think that you need me in your life. Do you want me in your life? I would love to know the answer to that question. As long as it's the answer that I want to hear??

There are people in my life who I would rather were not. I feel stuck with them. Is that how you feel about me? Would you rather I just leave you alone? Would you miss me if I never spoke to you again?

But you said the words "I love you". You said the words "you are a beautiful child" you said the words "I am just over here".

No wonder I'm feeling confused!!

Oh T, the only way I can look at it is that we are just learning a new dance. It's awkward. It's unsure. I feel self conscious. Maybe you do too?

I'm no fool. I know you will never need or want me in your life in the same way as I need or want you in mine, but I do feel there is something there, I have to believe that there is something there...

L,
Well, you redeemed yourself today. I still wish you would just admit you're busy.

Thank you for today. Thank you for encouraging me to cry. It helped a lot.

I still love you <3

E- well i did it! i mostly talked about my connection with you. not directly of course. thank you for the note; i will treasure it always.

Oh wow, that response would have made me apoplectic with rage. I can completely understand why you would be annoyed. I hope your symptoms are mild and you feel better soon.

You were not in your office today. You did not tell me you were going to be out of your office. This is the 3rd time this has happened since we had to go to remote or masks while in office. After the first time, you told me that you were not going to be in your office the way you said you would. The 2nd time, I didn't say a word. I shut down and shut you out. Today I would not have talked to you if the situation right before session had not happened. I would have played the book the entire session... well after a few moments of silence. I don't want to connect to you. I think you know that.

I am mad at you and tired of this dance. At the same time, I don't want to lose my time slots in your life because of being mad - and possibly being rash. It's not like I've solved my issues. But maybe you have taken me as far as I can go with you.

L,
I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I'd come over and take care of you if I could. Please take good care of yourself. I love you and don't want to see you suffer or hurt.

Thank you for being honest with me today. I understand, of course. I think that maybe going all the way to 12/31 wasn't necessary anyway... of course that's just "think" though, I haven't really let myself feel it yet. Only 2 more sessions for me to find enough closure to all of this, if we decide not to reconvene in January to finish. Can we do it, L? Are you up to it? Am I? When I told you those things today that I'd realized over the past couple of weeks, it felt really right. I don't think I want to break for 2 weeks and be bumming about the upcoming ending over Christmas, and then come back in January to end while I'm working a ton of overtime at work. That would be even harder than having only 2 more sessions. We are still the same kick-*** therapy team that we've always been though, you know. If anybody can do it in 2 more sessions, you and I can. I have a lot of faith in us.

I'm going to miss that "us", probably a lot for awhile. But omg I'm excited too, to move forward into whatever this next stage of my psychological growth is going to bring!!

p.s. I just looked at the pics I took on my phone of today's sand tray. I just realized what was missing that I pretty much always use but didn't today. Did you catch that when you took it apart? I looked at it when I was picking stuff to use, but it didn't call to me today. I understand why, even. Because it represents that which I am working on letting go of.

p.p.s. What did you mean when you said that you might need more? That was kinda confusing.

I miss your hugs so much.

I got the joke, but I ignored it and you because it was stupid and I wasn't trying to be funny. Its like from The Sixth Sense when Cole says sarcastically to Bruce Willis "I didn't know you were funny."

I almost want you to say you are not qualified to handle my issues. Or that we arent a good match or something. But I don't want to fire you. I want it to be the other way around.

I didn’t want to bother you with this right now, as I know you’ll be out of action soon, but I will probably tell you later. I had a really vivid dream about my sister that stopped me worrying, almost completely, about not getting a reply yet to my last email. She emailed me in the dream to say things weren’t going well for her. My vivid dreams seem to be prophetic in some way, 8/10 times, so it will be interesting to see if she does respond soon. But I really hope nothing is wrong for her.
My temporary T is also really lovely, too. We had our first phone session earlier in the week. I know you’d be happy to know I was in good hands while you’re off.

Oh, and PS, I definitely don't just miss you on Tuesdays. I miss you all the time. I wonder what you would think if you knew just how much I think about you. How much I miss you. How much I hurt because you aren't a part of my life like you used to be.

You also need to learn to read the room. As a therapist I don't understand why this is hard for you.

You dont need to be a blank slate robot but you dont have to make everything into a joke either. You are not funny.

I'm going to ask you if you will write me a letter to give me at our last session. It doesn't need to be anything long or elaborate. Just something, a something tangible of 'therapist you' or 'the you that I know' that I can read when needed in the days/weeks after we say goodbye. Some words of encouragement maybe, I don't know. That will be up to you. I'm going to want a hug, too, you know. And I would like to be the one to close the door behind me that day, please.


How can I ever begin thank you for everything?

Part of me wants to give up on therapy but I dont think thats a good idea. You just trigger me in so many ways. You said I needed to be in therapy every week and you cut my copays in half. But I just dont know.

Thats EXACTLY what i felt, and said on my last day.

These "last posts" of yours have me thinking. Last week or whenever i saw my gosling, and he was like, "Hug? C'mon!" Taking that hug was not something i could have done before my t. So hugs are something i take with me. Really good hugs.