Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

RoxanneToto · Nov 28, 2021, 05:27 PM

I’m actually kinda relieved you cancelled the curry for tomorrow, not that I wasn’t looking forward to making it, but an art session will be much better after the hectic week I’ve had since we last met. And I’m so glad I’m able to leave work early to come and see you. I really need a break!

Waterbear · Nov 28, 2021, 06:34 PM

I miss you. A lot. I think of you. A lot. I hope you are doing ok. I hope things have settled down for you. I wish there was some way I could repay the kindness and compassion and patience you showed me..... Maybe there is. Maybe. Maybe I am?

daisydid · Nov 28, 2021, 08:28 PM

I’m not sure why this popped in my head, but I decided to watch the show you mentioned that relates to something from my upbringing. I don’t want to discount the experiences of these people, but this isn’t the truth as I know it. So these things you’ve heard, these…exaggerations…how does this influence how you view my childhood? My family? Me?

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 28, 2021, 09:08 PM

Me again. This evening I crocheted again, made another hat. I've decided to make one every evening the rest of this week and then box them up and donate them someplace on Friday. Hopefully, after I see you. I have a really bad feeling though that you're going to cancel again. I promise I am not going to bother you. I can use my tools (one of them being crocheting to keep me calm, another practicing gratitude), stay away from the news, pray, and think good thoughts until I hear from you on Friday either cancelling or confirming.

velcro003 · Nov 28, 2021, 09:35 PM

E, this might be another week with no art. I feel like I am failing, though I bet you would disagree.

SprinkL3 · Nov 28, 2021, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

Hey L. Thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better and that you don't have covid again. I'm really fighting with myself right now to stay positive since the news about the new variant broke. Maybe I'll give what you said a try for the rest of today and just completely not look at anything covid-related. I was talking with my sister earlier and she said she's struggling too but not with sadness/depression, it's with her own internal anger at the anti-vaxxers. She's pissed and no longer caring who knows it. I told her I've never learned how to let myself be angry - I so quickly turn it inward on myself and it becomes the sadness and depression. I know I have the tools to deal with this. Why am I not using them? Most of all more than anything else though I'm worried for you.

Possible trigger:

what if it's covid again and this time you die? What if I don't get to say goodbye?

well I guess at least we got to start processing this ending together (i can't help but wonder now if I somehow knew something and that's why I felt so driven to start this ending processing when I did, you being sick now kinda puts the whole 'i need to leave before you leave me' thing in a new light doesn't it) and I can be grateful for that if nothing else.

I hope your T is okay and recovers soon, and I hope your T and you have a strengthened relationship!

I fear this happening to my own T. I don't want my T to get Covid at all. I am worried about her. She uses precautions like wearing masks, but she nonetheless travels and sees other vaccinated clients (or those who lie and say they are vaccinated, as my therapist only requires that they claim they are vaccinated in order to see her in person). For these reasons and more, I don't see my T in person - only online via Zoom. It's sad, but it's for both of our protections, as well as for her other clients' protection should I ever become asymptomatic (though I isolate in place and take extremes to prevent Covid).

I'm dealing with pandemic trauma and pandemic stress, too.

I plan on telling my T this tomorrow in session online. I've already emailed my T about my concerns and about the articles regarding the new variant.

I worry about my T's health very much, too!

Victoria'smom · Nov 29, 2021, 02:22 AM

New T,
I'm sorry I'm on your caseload. I'm hoping I don't have any appointments set up with you. I don't feel like talking, self care, any of it. I want to fade away but I can't.

East17 · Nov 29, 2021, 02:25 AM

Dear ex-T, you were all for us keeping in touch, as friends. Still, I left it 3 months before I made contact (I didn't want you to feel as though I was constantly going to bug you). I messaged just to say I hoped you were ok, especially after the storms.

I didn't expect (but hoped for) a reply. Even if it was just a one line "I'm fine thanks, hope you're well." But nothing. And it hurts much more than I thought it would. Which tells me I'm not over you yet. That I shouldn't have broken my silence and made contact with you.

I'm grieving all over again.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 29, 2021, 08:05 AM

I dreamed about you again last night. Okay okay, it was fantasy-you. I guess I just plain miss fantasy-you in real life. Now I understand why I didn't want to let her go. Oh, well.

I hope you are feeling better.

SprinkL3 · Nov 29, 2021, 08:20 AM

Dear T,

I'm so grateful that you are still alive and well, and that you can see me twice this week.

LonesomeTonight · Nov 29, 2021, 01:30 PM

Dear T,
Please don't have Covid, or at least don't have any serious symptoms. I hope you remember to tell me your rapid test results, though without symptoms, the PCR is likely to be more accurate (though I suspect it will take a couple days to get results because everyone is probably going post-holiday).

And you mentioned having gotten the booster on a Sunday, then being really tired the next day. I remember a recent Monday where you kept yawning and seemed a bit out of it in session--maybe that was why? Wish you'd just said that at the time. As I'd feared it was me (I suppose I should have said something...)

I appreciate your commiserating with me today. You showed a lot of empathy. I'll try to hold on to your ending comment about how maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is closer than we thought.

Also, I love the image of you wandering about the house in a bathrobe, turkey leg in one hand, coffee in the other.

Love you,
LT

Mountaindewed · Nov 29, 2021, 01:35 PM

I had a lot of feelings for transfernce T yesterday. When I saw our tree being put up it just reminded me of last year at this time and how I was struggling so much during the holidays. I was really feeling things yesterday. As for my current therapist shes nice and helpful but I dont have romantic feelings for her because of the age thing. Its almost like I want? To have feelings for her to get this history with transferencre T off my chest. But I'm just not feeling it even with being back on the meds. I need to talk to her about this though but I've mentioned my crush with transference T before with my current T and she seemed a bit creeped out. So I don't even know where to begin how to explain what I'm not even sure what I'm feeling or thinking. I'm just really confused.

daisydid · Nov 29, 2021, 08:08 PM

I’ve seen you once this November. It’s going to be weird to see you tomorrow. I feel like such a different person than I was the last time I saw you. It’s like temp-T said: this decision I made may be one of the best things I’ve ever done. Things aren’t rainbows and butterflies, but I have hope in a way I didn’t think possible anymore

velcro003 · Nov 29, 2021, 09:40 PM

E: I journaled some thoughts I have about how difficult ending sessions are for me. I have no idea how I can tell you, though. I am attached already, and it scares me.

susannahsays · Nov 29, 2021, 11:28 PM

I think it might be time for me to move on. I don't think you have what would be helpful to me at this point. Not that I know what that is. Actually, I feel like it's a med adjustment, but that's not something you can help me with.

I hope I feel better in the morning, but finding it hard to even hope at this point. After all, why would I feel better when nothing has changed? I guess in the past, my brain has managed to find a way to rebound. But I haven't had such a long episode of completely unrelenting depression in ages... half a lifetime ago, literally.

I would be completely lost if not for J.

LostOnTheTrail · Nov 30, 2021, 08:51 AM

Eleven years today since I started the blog. I can't tell whether I'm happy being the only one who remembers, or whether I would like to tell somebody. I'll probably mention it when we speak on Thursday.

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 30, 2021, 11:05 AM

No dreams last night that I remember anyway. Hope you are feeling better. I've been working through a lot of feelings since friday morning.

Waterbear · Nov 30, 2021, 12:07 PM

It was so lovely to have that fairly brief and normal exchange with you today. Hopefully we can grow something different here. You always said that sometimes there are no words for the feelings we have... Well maybe sometimes there are no words for the relationships that we have either. I am here, you are there, and sometimes we can come together in ways that we might not know yet.

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 30, 2021, 01:05 PM

... also, I am starting to see "you" in a much different way. must be that I've finally pulled back the rest of my ridiculous projections.

Mountaindewed · Nov 30, 2021, 02:19 PM

I dont want to see you in the morning because I'll probably either be crabby and exhausted or under the influnece of valium, melatoinin, or benadryl and I am a terrible liar and I am not sure I'll be able to say I just didnt sleep well.

Just dont get the posion control center involved like you want to do every single week.

Nov 30, 2021, 02:42 PM

I am nervous about tomorrow. I cringe at your eagerness. I feel really stupid about showing them to you, I am even embarrassed by how I have packaged them to bring them to you.

Mountaindewed · Dec 01, 2021, 01:10 PM

Your meltdown this morning over covid was super unproffesional and inapropiate but it was so hilarious at the same time and it put me in a good mood. How the hell did you not know about this new variant though? Seriously?

junkDNA · Dec 01, 2021, 02:29 PM

Meh.. Ur not gonna be happy abt me

Waterbear · Dec 01, 2021, 06:19 PM

The more time goes on the more I feel sorry... Remorse? Not in a self loathing kind of a way, just in a "I'm really sorry" kind of way. I'm sorry that I made it all about me, even after you had said you couldn't work anymore. I'm sorry I didn't show you more empathy, more understanding, more consideration. I really hope that you can see that this was because a) I didn't know what was going on for you and b) the relationship we had at the time was such that it was never my role to put you before me. I stayed in that role, but the more time goes on the more I move away from that, the more I can see how hard that time must have been for you, and the more sorry I get that I didn't find it easier. I guess it's only understandable, but it doesn't mean I can't be sorry at the same time.

I don't know if that makes any sense. I hope it does.

I love you.

ScarletPimpernel · Dec 01, 2021, 07:25 PM

L,
I feel angry and frustrated with you. To call my emailing you dangerous... am I only allowed to email you happy things when you're away? I needed you to come back and help me, not be mean and accusatory.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

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