Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I was not expecting you to say you were working for a day between Christmas and New Year and did I want a session even though it wouldn’t be my normal day. I don’t know what to do. I had mentally prepared myself for no sessions for three weeks and although I know how agonising that will be and that no doubt all my abandonment stuff will mean a rupture in the new year, I feel like it would be really needy and pathetic to say yes to the session you have offered. Have you offered all your clients a session? If not, how many? And how did you choose? I’m presuming you would struggle to see them all in one day?! Secretly I hope it’s just me, but I realistically know that isn’t the case. I hope you don’t want an answer straight the way. Part of me wants to say no because I know that going three weeks without a session will trigger all my abandonment issues, and it will cause a rupture. I think maybe there is part of me that wants there to be a rupture. How messed up is that?

I hope you are feeling less tired, somehow, knowing you've got some time off coming up. I want to say so much more about this but...

Thank you for rescheduling me for the 21st for an in person session without me asking. I liked how you said that you know in person sessions are important to me. An in person session a few days before Christmas could be a literal life saver and may be good at helping me deal with these demons I'm still fighting with from last Christmas

Also thanks for being professional today and not joking around. But I'm not sure why you were doing virtual sessions in the first place so maybe you just werent up to joking for some personal reason.

I made a joke in my email! A joke! See how amicable and light hearted I can be?!

And you made a joke in reply! This is almost civil.

Maybe we need to talk about my brother... I'm just not sure that before the break is a good time to do that....

I'm trying, L! And succeeding. We did such good big work yesterday! I like that feeling. I wish we didn't have a tiff to begin with the other week, AND I totally see how we are turning the bricks into our foundation. Rupture/repair really does create progress, deeper understanding, and healing. I so look forward to your reply tonight and for our Friday session. I want more of this!

I love you, L, and I accept all your multitudes!

This sums it all up right now. Speak to you in the morning.

It was one time too many

Dear T,
Sorry to bug you with that. I probably should have just saved it as a draft. But I'm really stressed right now.

I am glad I didn't email you about the field mouse comment earlier, as that seems so minor compared to the stuff with D.

Love,
LT

It’s the day everything’s due for my big class and I’ve spent the evening emailing back and forth with students with last minute issues. That will go on for a few more hours.

And I spent today being nice and supportive to staff and faculty at work, at least one of whom made a massive mistake that made me look vad.

I am sick and ******* ****ing tired of trying to adhere to my stupid belief that everyone should be treated humanely. All I get for it is ignored, dismissed, talked over, and not supported. Not heard, irl or otherwise.

Dear T,
And now I'm worried about whether one of the guinea pigs is OK...
Love,
LT

Growth is a funny thing, L. Last night I was making a hat and noticed a mistake, caught myself immediately still inside the thought of "This is stupid" and wanting to throw it on the floor and knew I was projecting - took a breath and asked myself what feelings I was projecting instead of letting myself feel, and it was sadness about our upcoming goodbye. It has arrived. Let's talk about this tomorrow.

Are you really surprised by my reaction?

And no, you aren't. Not enough by far.

She seems to be back to her usual self, thankfully. I would not have dealt with it well today if she hadn't been. I feel such a sense of relief watching her sit there nibbling on hay.

And I do appreciate the reply this morning, as I said. Though your comment on how her behavioral issues will just make the diagnosis more complex is concerning... I wish you could come with us today. Or, I don't know, be there via Zoom on my phone or something.

Love,
LT

I hope you are ok; I’m still not going to bother you while you’re away, we will speak again soon enough but in the meantime I wish you the best and hope you have a good Christmas, if we don’t meet beforehand.

I hope you are feeling less tired; I wish for you peace in all of this.

I've filled up several pages of my current therapy/dream journal since last Friday's session. Much that I probably won't share with you because there's just not time. But that's okay because I can differentiate - what parts are just my internal processing and what parts will be helpful to discuss with you. My sincere wish and hope is that you are feeling better, less tired, and that we can finish processing this ending over the next 2 sessions. I really don't want to have to carry it over until January. You know that's our overtime month at work (or did you forget?) and from what they're saying it's going to be more brutal than normal, since we are now supporting more than we used to have to and they're not taking any of it away. We need to wrap this up on 12/17 since you're not working the rest of this month. I'm not gonna whine about it - I don't begrudge you a vacation, you deserve time off, after all. I don't particularly like the timing of it, but it's okay. I'm okay. And I'll continue to BE okay.

Dear T,
Appointment with p-doc went really well, and we did walk away with a prescription (without really having to push)--perhaps the ADHD was especially obvious in person! I sort of want to email you to tell you this, but I can just wait to share in session tomorrow.

Love,
LT

Thank you. I'm sorry I contributed to your feeling ******, and yet glad we had the conversation, when I finally got the words out.

Transference T has been out of my mind today thankfully. I have not listened to my music or eaten peppermint chocolate. I guess those things just make me think of her even more and it can become unbearable. I havent thought much about my current T either. Yesterday was such an uneventful session that there was nothing to stress over.

Sometimes when we're sitting in silence, it's not necessarily because I'm processing something, it's because I'm struggling to talk.

I had a lot of silences with ex-T. She never tried to fill them, but did ask questions to encourage me to open up. We built a rapport that way, because I never felt alone with everything.

I like you as a person, but I don't yet feel as though you are on this journey with me. It feels like I'm struggling along on my own and you are watching from the sidelines, but not engaging with me. Is there any way we can change that?

I wonder why you asked me about the plan this week, did you think I would have changed my mind already? Even Ex-T wasn't able to perform that miracle. You said you are only a text away. But I don't know you well enough yet to know how you would react if I texted you in that state of mind. I don't think I'll be putting it to the test.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

L,
I'm sorry for being conflicting with my words and their meanings. I hope we can work through it tomorrow. I want you to be able to trust me.

You text saying I can choose whatever time to suit me for the session between Christmas and New Year. So does that mean you are only working that day to see me? Surely if you had other clients coming in on that day some of your slots would be filled as you would have seen all of them this week to offer the same thing before sending that text. If that was the case it would both delight me and also make me feel so ashamed and pathetic. I wish I could ask you. If that is the case then I would probably tell you that it doesn’t matter as I don’t want to spoil your time off by you having to come in to work just to see me. Why would you do that anyway? You must have other clients coming in to see you as well, or perhaps you offered it and they all said no and I’m just the only needy one.

I hope you're feeling up for this today.