Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Today pushed me to my limit. An opportunity I was really looking forward to fell through because of my access needs. It's such a delicate balance. When living with disability is done well, you don't see the disability. Until it encroaches for practical reasons.

I miss you. Our connection is so significant for me that it is painful to consider it. It's bittersweet to hear you talk about this being significant for you too. The inevitable loss of this relationship threatens to be more painful because of the something-like-loving which we both feel. It's easier when we are gritty with each other. I need to get back to hostile business as usual next week to steel myself for your utterly unacceptable Christmas break.

How can I miss you, Julieanne, when I don't even know you?

It's plain to me, that's one more lie

THANK YOU. Today's session did a LOT to get me ready to say our goodbyes next week. The card you pulled, so perfect. The sand tray I did, made me feel so happy inside. The stuff you shared, will be helpful to recall after next week.

I am ready.

I am sorry, you know. Sorry that I couldn't see how much you needed to stop. Sorry that I couldn't afford you the same care and understanding that you afforded me. Sorry that I was a pain in the bum. It's hardly surprising when you consider the fact that I had no idea what was going on for you and when you consider the type of work that we were doing, the constantly moving goalposts and the insanely abrupt nature of the ending, but that doesn't mean I can't still be sorry.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I felt a bit awkward getting emotional about the handshaking thing. But you seemed fine with it. And I really appreciate your apology about the whole "field mouse" comparison from last session. Good to know you do think I've grown since then. Part of me wishes you could sit in on an interaction with my parents, so you know that it's not just me.

And I'm glad I'll still be able to see you twice each the week before and after Christmas. D has just been so challenging lately. I really hope the medication will help, but I also know it's not going to be some sort of magic bullet. And maybe we'll need to try a few, maybe even a combination, to see what will work for her.

But tonight was another tough one--while the stuff was going on at dinner, I just wished I could have talked (or texted) with you for a bit. But we got through it. Monday still seems far away. I know I could contact you if I wanted, but I just did a few days ago and would rather not do that unless it's extremely urgent. Though I am a little freaked out that there were 5 cases at her school today (trying to take solace in the fact that she's fully vaccinated as of today--though you also mentioned there'd been a couple cases at your son's school, so hope he's OK).

Love,
LT

Hey E: It's always great to see you, even if you are feeling a little under the weather. I am conflicted on how our session went tonight. you did make a good point that since I've been battling physical pain for the past week, that the emotional pain has taken a back seat. So we made origami. You said it is a nice mindful activity to do, because you have to only focus on what you are doing. So I guess that is good. I will try and come up with a plan for next week, though.

L,
I feel like we're making great progress on figuring out my vocabulary and needs. I'm proud of us. I will work harder to be clear about my needs. But I'll also need reassurances that you can handle them. And I'm sorry I wasn't more direct tonight. I was afraid that you would reject me if I was. I hope you understand.

I really need to directly tell you I don't want you as a therapist anymore. Time for someone else. Unless you think you can implement some changes to how we do therapy, then there is no more benefit for me.

I really miss the old us.

I looked at transfernce T's facebook last night and part of me was like "what did I ever see in her." I mean what did I see in her that was attractive. I just hope my sessions with my current T go like they did this last session and she has stopped being weird for good.

I've been eating peppermint candy today and I've gone through my Aero bar collection and my eyes just gazed over the mint ones and I also saw my boxes of blue fruit Lipton tea and I havent felt much so thats progress I think. I also havent thought much about last year at this time and the whole IOP thing. I've actually forgotten about it to be honest. So maybe I did make some progress with my current T this past wednesday after our discussion about accepting things.

I was looking at the pics I took of yesterday's sand tray just now; I really like it. It's still making me smile and feel happy this evening!

I miss you so much. I wish I could just reach out to you like a normal human would do to someone they had known for five years and built a relationship with. But here I am questioning it all. I wish we had had more time to work these things through, so I might not have needed a future with you in it. Failing that I wish we had had more time to figure out what a future could look like. Instead I am left here kind of just bumbling my way through. I meant what I said... I CAN hold this, but it isn't easy. The only other alternative is to cut myself loose from you though, and I don't think I can do that. Right at the core of all of this is that I love you. I love you for what you gave me. I love you for what you taught me. I love you for who you were to me and I love you for who I know you to be. How does one walk away from that love? How does one just walk away from the very thing that helped them to become who they are? How does one just walk away from the one person who was like a mother to them? I am so grateful that you don't seem to be making me do that, but I just wish we could have had more time to figure it all out. I miss you, and I love you.

So I decided to text you.... I am reminded of a daughter who lost her father... She text him for years. She never stopped texting him, sending updates on her life, about her new partner, her children, what she got up to, her work. She couldn't not message him, even though he wasn't there anymore and even though she didn't get a response. Then one day she did get a response. His phone number had been reassigned years ago, and this guy had been recieving her messages for years. It turns out he had lost a daughter and needed to hear her messages just as much as she needed to send them. I have no idea how true this story is, but isn't it a lovely one! I doubt that you will ever need me, not with five children and a close extended family, but if you got anything out of our relationship then I don't see why I can't continue in some limited way. Anyway. I could go on for hours, but I don't think it would help. I am doing all of those lovely things I know you would want me to be doing. I am doing all of those difficult things I know that you would want me to be doing, but it still feels like I am missing an arm or a leg. Take care my dear K, I miss you and I love you.

I keep forgetting both transfernce and my current T exist and then when I do remember them its just like a feather in the breeze and I don't dwell on either of them. Its been intrestesting. I did think of my pdoc but not about anything regarding me I was just saying to my mom that my brother should see him but his wait list is probably long.

The only time I've thought about the IOP christmas incident last year is when I reread my last post on this thread. Then I forget about it again. I mean is it suddenly not important anymore after devastating me nonstop for a year. Weird.

I keep having this dream and I dont know why. But in the dream I'm in a kinda dark room/place and its late. Maybe 5PM and I'm about to go IP to a pysch hospital and I'm in therapy and my transfernce T is coming in and out of the room doing stuff. The dream is so surreal I swear it happened.

I'm guessing what I'm thinking of is when I was coming out of anesthesia after my surgery in October 2020, and being in a haze and vaugeuly seeing a nurse standing over me and then also the times in therapy sessions when my transfernce T would come in and out of her office after getting something from the printer or something.

I think I jumbled up those 2 incidents into this dream that I swear happened even though it didnt.

Are we both ready for this? I'm pretty sure we are. I really, really would love it if you would wear something other than black this week though. I understand why you do that, but for this particular session, it would be nice to see you in something colorful. Please?


See you Friday.

Dear T,
Thanks for the empathy. It really does mean a lot that you get it. And that, even though it's across a computer screen, you're basically sitting there with me in it. That I can let all this out, and you're just there, sitting with the tears, accepting the emotions, and supporting me as best you can.

And I appreciate the apology about the sleep comments--I do see where you'd think it was something you could joke about in that manner, as I'm fine with it for many other things, like your 30-second exercise promos.

Love you,
LT

Dear T,
On a lighter note, I hope you put "shirts" on your Christmas list this year. I swear you've worn that one at least once a week for the past few months. You used to have quite a bit of variety. (I miss the zebra shirt!) Plus, OK, I really don't like that shirt, it gives off a preppy vibe I'm not into. Kind of a weird contrast with the assorted UnderArmour ones. (Though I guess I should be thankful that the season has passed for wearing the [local baseball team] Hawaiian shirt.)

Love,
LT

E: I am sure there are a million reasons why you haven't emailed me back. Just tell that to my logical brain, please.

L, it really is a 'season of endings' as you said. My diabetic cat may not make it until I get home tomorrow, he's not doing well at all tonight. My son and his gf are taking care of him but they both have to go to work in the morning so they can't stay up with him all night. H and I are going to get some sleep now and then leave as soon as h has had enough sleep to make the 4 hour drive home. I feel heartbroken that I'm not there with him, he's spent his entire life with us since he was weaned from his mama as a kitten and he's almost 15 now.

Dear T,
My reaction to the error in D's medication this morning I think shows how extremely stressed I am right now... But I think you would also understand *why* this particular thing made me react the way I did--because it was something I was holding out hope for that was temporarily dashed. It may only mean waiting another day, but right now, that feels like an eternity.

I was tempted to email you, in case you hadn't read your morning emails yet (was only 7:45), but I'm fairly certain of what you'd say, that you'd be empathetic and also tell me not to beat myself up about it, so I was able to just sort of do that in my head (once I was able to step back a bit). And then I'm going through the process of trying to make it right. just hope we can either still use this prescription or get a new one in the next day or so.

Love,
LT

Dear E-I knew there was a reason. I’m so sorry to hear you still are so sick. I hope it gets better this week.

Dear T,

I know I went overboard with the gifts (I sent three total - two personalized, and one holiday-themed), but I hope you like it. Secretly, I wished that I had changed two of the three gifts to something else. I know look back on the personalized gifts and think that maybe you won't like it, that maybe you will find it too distasteful or embarrassing. I should have gotten you something else with the money I spent on that instead, like flowers or some better engraved item.

I know you said it was okay to make something for you, but I just don't have the energy to do that. It takes a lot of effort to be creative, and a few alters helping me. It's been a while since we worked like that.

We look forward to our session today, where we can hopefully speak about this. But I have a feeling that I'm too shy to say anything about the gifts at this moment.