Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Thanks Una. I definitely want one last hug. It's been awhile.

there's probably going to be quite a few more of these 'ending posts' or whatever while I continue processing this.

Hey L. I feel like I also want to apologize for my part in your current level of tired. I know I've been a royal PITA in the past with all the push/pull crap and more recently how I've been tip-toeing/dancing around this ending thing for the past 5 months or so. Know that none of it was intentional on my part, it was part of my process I suppose, and I am trusting you now though to take care of yourself, which I know you are doing because you are taking the last 2 weeks of the year off, and the other stuff.

So I found your facebook last night and now I kind of feel like reporting you. But you know that I look therapists up on facebook so I have a feeling you'd know it was me. But writing makes me both physically and mentally sick. But I know I shouldnt have looked you up in the first place so it is sort of on me.

I told my mom and I sent her a screenshot. She doesnt think its you. Plus she says there are people who make sure therapists don't post that kind of stuff. I'm not sure if thats true. A lot of people in various professions get away with that type of behavior.

Mountaindewed, if it were me and I had proof it was their account I think I would report them, if it looks like they’re discussing a client at least (I’m not assuming either way, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility). If there really were people monitoring therapists’ social media accounts (my guess is a big fat “no”), they’re either not doing their job or condone the T’s behaviour. Assuming for a moment that T’s are being monitored… both those possibilities are crappy.
Dear T, I’m not going to bother you right now, like I said, but have had some uncomfortable realisations today. I’m grateful that D set me up with a temporary T for while you’re gone; I might need to bring these things up with her. Also, while my dream yesterday stopped most of my anxiety, I still keep second guessing everything I wrote in the email to Sis. If I could rewind two weeks I’d take more time before sending it!

Mountaindewd, i agree with roxanne, there are NOT t's who monitor other t's facebooks.

I had a similar situation happen, only it was a wrong-way email. I eventually decided a) i had already decided this would be my last t (it wasnt that long ago) b) we had already done a lot of good work together c) my t's business was their own business - even if it wasnt the kind of business i chose to be involved in. Like they say, there are two kinds of people in the world.

Thats my best advice - make a decision based on whats important to you.

I miss you so much. Someone I know told me that missing someone so much meant I loved them so much. So true. You taught me how to love. I had never felt it before I felt it for you. And now I feel it for my partner, too, but he isn't you. He can never be you. No-one can ever be you. I know I can't have the same kind of relationship that I had with you before, but does that mean it all has to disappear? I really hope not. I really hope it doesn't mean I can never sit with you again. On a bench overlooking the sea. Just sitting. Both of us being in that moment with each other. I would bring you a handmade gift, and in return you would lend me your hand or your shoulder. You know me. I don't need to talk. I don't need words from you, either. I don't need you as my therapist, but that doesn't mean I don't need you. Again I come back to the same question.... Do you want me?

WV t,
You asked me never to read my file. 8 years later I'm questioning it. I may get my file and read it.

New T,

This feeling of missing Ex T has been so intense recently, I just don't know what to do with it. I have told everyone I feel I can tell. I have even told some people I didn't feel I could tell. I even told Ex T. I have tried sitting with it, I have tried distracting myself from it. I'm not sure what else to do. I'm guessing the answer would be 'time'. I think that's Ex Ts voice I can hear in my head, anyway. Time makes things easier. I know that, and I know you just have to go through it, but I still feel like I need to DO something with these feelings. Maybe some more gardening is needed. Maybe that's a productive way to 'spend' the feelings. I kind of want to shout it from the rooftops it feels so big.

So far my dream-maker has nothing further to say on this subject. I'm really surprised. Although it's possible this morning's dream in a convoluted way was related, not really sure. You know me though, I want super-obvious like "a book appears from the clouds and I open it and read the answer to my question". But that's now how it works, is it? I mean, I've gotten books before in dreams - but the pages are either blank or the writing is unreadable scribbles. Or I see a single word.

Ooh. I know what I'll ask for. And it doesn't even need to be a book.

I wonder if your dreams are speaking to this at all??!

Oops, I absolutely did not mean to send you a two second voice clip at 2am!!! I was on nights and looking back through our messages when I lent over and when I looked back I had accidentally sent it! I deleted it but you'll probably think it a bit weird that you got a deleted message from me in the middle or the night!! Sorry!!

You. Messed. Up.

We'll get to the poem this week. I'm sorry you're going to have yet another email from me.

I think I'm just about ready to say the "G" word... I hope you are feeling less tired somehow.

Dear T: I hope the antibiotic kicks in by Wed night. I am in SO much pain. I learned my lesson to not wait 5 years to go to the dentist. Ugh.

Dr. S - I am so very nauseous and I assume it's from the wellbutrin. Also why did you start me on only 100mg? I guess probably to make sure the insomnia doesn't get worse. But I am impatient. Desperate to feel better. I hope this helps me.

Therapist - I haven't rescheduled the appointment you had to cancel because I'm too depressed. Also have a severe cold and lost my voice. Got tested for COVID and it came back negative, so that is good. My immune system probably just got overwhelmed from responding to the COVID booster and flu shot and let a regular cold take me down.

I took today off sick from work. I can't tell if it's more because of feeling ****** from the cold or because I am too depressed even to sit up and turn on my computer.

I love you.

Dear T Julieanne, Thank you for trusting me. Kit

I miss Transfernce T so much tonight I feel this raw feeling deep in my gut and it hurts. I ****ing hate forgetting her for days or a week at a time and then everything just hitting me again. It sucks so much.

But its like the song Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus "Don't you ever say I just walked away, I will always want you."

I think I'll go make myself a cup of that tea that reminds me of her.

I thought you ******** but I'm not sure now.

I want some cornbread.

L,
I could really use a big hug tomorrow.

Dear T- owwwwwww. i wish i had someone to revel in my misery with me. but, i’ve got no one. i just hope the pain recedes by wed night.

New T,

Well, I didn't expect to go there today. What made you so that question at that time I wonder. What made you think I was ready for that? I'm glad I told you not to go there for the other bit though, and glad I felt I could say stop when I did
My head was really hurting. I realised recently that when I think of these things, when I go back to the past, I clench my teeth right down. I clench so hard that it gives me a headache, alongside other reasons probably. I'm learning to notice and to try and relax but that's near on impossible in the moment, only after is it easier.

I hate virtual but I don't want a repeat of last year either. So I'll just do the virtual. Your first email seemed very phoned in. The second seemed a bit more personalized although I still don't know if you knew excatly who you were responding to. I hope this is just a one time virtual session and isnt permenent. I didn't freak you out that badly last week did I? I was actually looking forward to meeting with you in person but whatever.

Now I'm really glad I didnt cancel and I'll take whatever I can get at this point.