Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I want you! What are you doing of such importance that you don't pay me attention?! What happens in your life which takes you away from me? At times like this, I want you so much that I start to hate you. I mean, seriously, who do you think you are?

Dear T,
I'm glad we met in person today. Partway through session, I realized we were mostly talking about surface sort of stuff and wondered if maybe I should have just done an online session. But then I feel like the 15-20 minutes of discussion at the end about our relationship was really important. I was unsure of whether to go there while we were meeting outside, but our table felt private enough that I felt OK with it. So I'm glad I did. It helps to know why you acted the way you did early on. And I'm glad you understood about the fear of your dying or otherwise leaving for non-me-related reasons are actually a sign that I'm more securely attached.

Love,
LT

Oh when I said up there that I kinda miss you and stuff? Don't let it go to your head. Ha.

Dear T, I love you (in an innocent way, that is). I wish I received the same kind of understanding and care that you provide me from my own family. Sometimes that hurts. I never had a chance to really love anyone back. So even though I can't ethically love you - even in the platonic/family sense, I can feel that sort of appreciation for you. I mean, I still love my mom and some family members, or at least care for them, but it's not the same.

Hey E...I expect I will probably email you tomorrow night, because I just can't see any art forming this week, especially on the topics you suggested.

I'm having such difficulty expressing myself. I don't even know how to tell you how hard it is for me to find the words and attach them to feelings and thoughts, then get them out as words.

Dear Ex T,

I feel so full of words. About you. About my therapy. Maybe it's time I went back to my book. Maybe it's an indication that after five months I am ready to start again on it. I think this is the only way you will ever hear it all in one go. I know you would read it if I gave it to you. Even if it wasn't a book. It's a way for me to get it all out of my head and on to paper. I'm glad I started it. I'm glad you believed in me. I'm glad I have it there to go to.

I just wish my memory was better. I had hoped that you would help fill in the gaps for me. Maybe you still will? Maybe one day you will help me to write the sections of this book from your point of view. That would be pretty awesome.

Oh, and you remember those two music teachers I stayed in touch with? The ones that helped me stay on my new track? The only people I ever felt actually cared about me? You were very moved by that story and you asked if you could share it with teachers you knew. I hope you did. I hope you took in and passed on the importance of maintaining a connection, especially for those people in life who don't have anybody else.

I know it's different for me now, I do have other people in my life, but no-one will ever be like you. It just seems ridiculous to break that connection unnecessarily. It seems ludicrous. It seems crazy. It seems words I just don't think exist.

I know I am but a dot in your life. I don't expect that I will ever mean as much to you as you do to me, but I know I mean something to you, and you are the only person who knows what me saying that means. Having gone from someone who didn't think anyone would ever want to have anything to do with me, to believing that I do bring something to your life, is an enormous leap from where I was, and it is testament to the relationship that we built. You aren't that good an actor, I'm sure. It was real. It still is real. And I am going to do my damdest to make it stay real forever.

I'll be in touch, in time.

I hope you caught on that I was hypomanic last I called you and cancelled the appointment. My mom told me the mania was pretty obvious (to everyone but me), but all you got was a phone call of me laughing hysterically saying "f**K therapy." I'm sorry. You kinda deserve it though. At this point I'm just going to take out some books on ADHD, schizophrenia, PTSD, and eating disorders from the library and educate and then help myself. I'll still show up to therapy so I can get my meds and I'll be open and honest but don't expect me to take any advice you give.

Dear IOP individual T. It's our last session today. Will you be glad to get rid of me? Or will you miss me? I will miss you.

I don’t know how to tell you that I’ve had 2 med issues in the past 3 days. One was all day Sunday. The other was last night. I also don’t know how to tell you my eating hasn’t been the greatest and I’ve lost a few pounds since we last met partially through restricting. When I told my last therapist about these issues it caused a rupture that never got fixed and while I don’t necessarily understand you because of the age thing and how we don’t look the same age at all and it confuses me and makes me question myself, I don’t want you to dislike me or put up firm boundaries.

I miss you T. I think I miss you more than I miss therapy with you. I miss just sitting with you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss holding your hand. I miss knowing that you care about me (ok, that hasn't actually gone away really which I'm glad about). I miss learning from you. I miss seeing your garden. I miss... You.

Therapy can be replaced. I am replacing that. But you can never be replaced. You are unique. So special. The connection that we had/have was special.

I just wish I could hear your words. I wish you could tell me what you think... How you feel. You never really did. Only a few times, and I remember the most recent ones as clear as day. In your moment of exhaustion you said you loved me too. I will never forget that.

And then on that last day you called me a beautiful child. Oh T, it is these things that make me certain that you felt it too. And I am hopeful that we can keep that connection alive. Like I said in my email... I have absolutely no idea what that looks like I'm reality. I know it will be difficult. I know it will need time. I know I may decide that the connection can be maintained without actually seeing or speaking to you. But I just have so much I want to say to you. So much that I want you to know, about how I feel about you, about how I want to know what you feel about me.

Time. Earlier in the year, when all if this was happing for you, you said to me the one thing you knew you had was time. But for me it is different. I live every day in fear that time is running out. For me. For my family. For you. For humanity. Time is not a given. People can be snatched away in a split second. Life is fragile beyond our comprehension and I struggle with just sitting and waiting, because there may never be a tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come.

But I know that I am impulsive. I know that I am impatient. And I know that those two traits may not be the best for me right now. I need to step back. I need to explore my own thoughts and feelings. I need to be mindful that if we do move forwards as 'us', things will have to change.

I will need to grieve the loss. I will need to work through the present and together we would need to take some tentative and respectful steps.

In time. In time.

Dear former IOP Individual T: I will miss you greatly. I'm already crying over the loss of you. I'm grieving you. Kit

E: The thing about not knowing if sending this extra email this week was “too much” is freaking me out a bit. Also, just freaking out in general, along with my depression sliding downhill.

The world feels like a much bigger place again this week, which feels like a really good thing.
...... and then I receive a message from you, saying that you had finally read the emails I sent last week. Interesting. Interesting that you hadn't read them and yet it felt like you had. It felt like you understood. You say you will take some time to reply. I kind of want to say this "please don't feel like you need to reply. Maybe we can just let it be, for now, for a few months. Take some time to breath, I guess."

Or do I wait, and hope that what you will say is what I want to hear? Ooooh, now there is a question!

Dear T,
I really hope I didn't annoy you with the scheduling follow-up text yesterday. But, I mean, I waited like 8 hours. I think that's extremely reasonable. I was mainly concerned that my text had dropped off your radar, because you said that can happen if you get a bunch of texts from people (and with it being both your personal and work phone, I could see how that would easily happen). And if by some chance you'd forgotten to leave me a slot on Monday, I'd have preferred to learn it *before* session rather than during. But glad you still had an opening (2, in fact! not my preferred times, but that's OK). Talk to you in a few hours.

Love,
LT

Please don’t call my mom “mom” when you and I are the same age. It’s completely condescending.

God I ****ing hate people my own age and you are no exception.

What I couldn't tell you: I love you - yes in THAT way - and my heart is broken.

Dear T,
OK, good, you weren't annoyed! I mean, you even thanked me for bringing the scheduling thing to your attention. Also glad to know that you'll be working M-W of Thanksgiving week and that you said (without my asking) that you'd be sure that I have time on both Mon. and Wed. And even were apologetic that you weren't working Friday (I guess I did see you then last year, now that I look back at my calendar, OK). But I was just relieved to hear you're working the Wed. Hm, perhaps this is a sign that I'm becoming less needy/dependent? (I know, I probably shouldn't use the word "needy," but I certainly feel like I am at times).

Love,
LT

I don't have much to talk about Friday, even though it will have been 4 weeks since my last session. Of course, that's never really stopped us before, has it.

Maybe I'll have an interesting dream on Thursday night. My dream-maker has been kinda quiet lately, although there were 2 dreams that had kinda profound messages for me. I'll tell you those. Others, not so much. One was super-weird but when I described it to h the next morning, he said that sounds like a combination of the 2 shows I was switching between last night. So apparently I heard the tv subconsciously in my sleep and made the noise into a dream. That doesn't count. Ha.

I'm not missing you and stuff anymore. I guess that went away because I know it's almost Friday. What I am is looking forward to your Friday morning "See you at 1pm" text, and thinking about what kind of silly response I can send.

Oh. And, I just went and dug out my very first therapy notebook. Happy thera-versary! 10 years ago today we met for the first time. How has it been that long already?

I'm in agonising pain. You can't imagine.

Yes, I truly love you, more than I have loved anyone.

I don't put any boundaries on love.

I can't function, I am broken, I don't know what is worse - seeing you or not seeing you.

There was never really an easy part to our relationship, my therapy. I'm not sure if you expected this ending to be easy or not... I'm guessing you didn't have much capacity to think about it at all to be fair. Had you had capacity to think about it, I'm guessing you may have sensed it wouldn't be easy.

I'm sorry. I wish I could have made it easy for you. I wish I could have just let you go.

I'm sorry I flipped out at you today, but thank you for actually taking me seriously for once and at least saying you'll discuss my lack of sleep with the team.
Also, I'm just waiting for you to bring up food again. I'm not going to bring it up because I know my efforts at getting help from you will be fruitless (aha, fruitless). I just want to see if you realize it is a constant struggle that cannot be won with the simple words "eat 3x a day" and "try yogurt."

T, I'm so tired. I do also wish I could see my psychiatrist sooner, but he is out of the office.