Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,
I'm sorry you'll be out of the office tomorrow, but your caring text and offer of an evening phone call mean a lot to me (though I won't take you up on it unless I hit a really negative place).
Love,
LT

Hi T, Took too much sleeping mefds, and decided to add some alcohol on top of it. if i still sleep ****** tonight, not sure what i will do next. SH already came into play.

I called your office and said I needed an emergency appointment. Your receptionist said it was unlikely you had anything available but would check and she asked what was going on. I said my anxiety was out of control and I felt like I had so I’m seeing you through zoom tomorrow at 11. You are expensive but I got some money today I can use for my Thanksgiving trip and I didn’t have a copay at my doctors like I thought I would. I get really scary S thoughts almost every Saturday nights and it would be helpful to have someone to talk to on Friday since I haven’t gotten my blood work results back yet or heard back from my Pdoc. But you made some comment yesterday about a delayed reaction. So I don’t know if this is what I’m feeling today. But I will be honest with you about how those comments you made about me being “pretty” passable made me feel so we can discuss them.

Dear T,
Your email reply this morning meant a lot to me (OK, it made me cry), after a mostly sleepless night. The validation was particularly helpful, feeling like you understand how difficult it can be when your kid is struggling. Wish we were talking before 1 pm tomorrow, but I'll be OK. I'm not in a state where I'd want to take you up on the offer of a call tonight. Really wanting to talk is not the same as needing to talk, and your email helped bridge the gap.
Love,
LT

I guess I have some explaining to do about my anger yesterday. Now that I know what is going on and what the cause of it is.

It was kinda funny though the more pissed I was getting at you the more you kept saying “sir” trying to calm me down. lol.

Dang, L. I don’t know why I thought that you would respond any differently than you did to what happened. I thought that maybe you would be ambivalent or just be like, “okay whatever you think is best.” But no. When I told you the idea, you hopped immediately on board. Heck, you took it even further than I did. I thought about it more and I’m not going with the plan that we constructed, but something close. I’m scared. But I’m scared more of the alternative.

Hey E. I hope tomorrow helps relieve some of the pain. Probably not.

Dear T,

I tell you pretty much everything via the emails you allow me to send to you. But sometimes I feel bad because I send you a lot of emails, and I know they take time for you to read them, and yet I feel guilty that you don't charge me extra for that. So now I'm trying to be cognizant about not sending too many emails, but I also don't want you to think that I'm shying away from you either. I'll probably discuss these feelings with you at some point in our online sessions.

Also, I still feel scared about saying something that came out wrong in session, or embarrassed by what I said in session, or like I didn't complete my thoughts fully in session, so I tend to worry about what you think of me after every session - still. But, I've not been afraid anymore about you leaving us or quitting on us. You've helped us to feel more secure by allowing us to express all these feelings repeatedly last year. This year, we're learning to build trust more with you, and then in turn learning from our relationship so that perhaps we can take those healthy experiences and see how they fare in real life.

There's also times when I wanted to say something in session, but I forgot. And then I'll remember like months later, LOL. Talk about dissociation, or just being sidetracked. But still, those things still linger, so we will eventually discuss them.

I felt really supported today! I had already emailed you about this, but it helped me to cope better with the nightmare.

Another thing is that I worry about how my expressing any of my traumas, or my alters expressing any of their traumas, will cause you to experience vicarious trauma of your own. We don't want you to get hurt or affected by listening to our traumas. We worry about that, too. But we expressed that in an email, so we plan to discuss that with you next week.

Reading back through all my old posts here and feeling. I knew, when I entered in to this process, in this way, this type of work, that it was a risk. I knew it could end horribly but I was in a desperate situation and it was a risk I was willing to take. At the time I said "a risk I have to take".

It ended badly. I really got to the stage where I didn't think it would. Really got to the stage where I truly believed that you understood what we were doing here, and the implications of that. Either you do, and don't have the capacity to think of me at the moment, or you never did truly get it.

This type of work really shouldn't just be abruptly ended. We should have been able to have these discussions. Work this through. We should have had the time we needed to end this properly. Like I said to you at the time, I would have waited for that. Five years of intense relational attachment based therapy can't be properly finished in one meeting. Of that I am sure.

I guess I'm lucky I got that. I know some don't. But I should have had the opportunity to do this properly. I know you've had a lot on your plate, and I am truly sorry for that. I really am, and I wish I could have just walked away from you, but the work that we did put me in a place where I just can't do that. It changed me. Deep inside. It changed me into someone who won't be...... Trodden on??

I don't know. It's really hard to explain. It's really hard to live. I want to be understanding, accepting, gracious, forgiving, simple, but I'm struggling with that. I am being that, in a way, but in another way I am being selfish, unreasonable, spoilt, challenging and down right demanding.

I don't like being like that, but yet here I am. Feeling like that. Being like that. Angry. But I love you. And I don't know how to make sense of that. Just like I feel with my abuser. I don't know how to make sense of that either.

And so I wonder if Temp T is where I need to be right now. To be able to end that attachment based part right. To take over from where I was. To have the ending I deserved.

Maybe I will email Old T. She 'got it'. She said we could have a discussion about it. Maybe she is the one who can help me make some sense of all of this and to find a way forwards. Because I feel lost. Lost and uncertain and desperately wanting to to the 'right' thing for myself, in a world (a therapy world) that is secretive and unknown and unforgiving.

I need a pointer because I feel like I am going in the wrong direction most of the time.

Do you not realize the step in between getting no help and going inpatient exists and that is you? I'm certain you knew I was manic when I called and cancelled, and you never returned the call. No. It took the freaking injection nurse to convince me to make an appointment with you. Then you tell me my mom should've taken me inpatient. My mom isn't a mental health expert, she doesn't see danger when I'm doing jumping jacks at 2am, running around non-stop, and acting on thoughts I haven't even finished. You, however, get paid to figure out if someone is a danger to themselves or not and to help that person seek appropriate care whether that's more frequent appointments, IOP/PHP, or IP.
It's your ****ing job to help clients out...!

Will we ever talk again, L?

Dear new IOP T: what to talk about today? There's so many things to choose from. Distress tolerance. Emotional Regulation. SH. Schizoaffective Disorder. I don't know where to start. But I also don't know how many days left I have of IOP so I don't know what is most important to bring up? Like what will I have a chance to talk through over the next however many days? I texted my case manager so I hope he can tell me so I can plan on what to talk about with you. Thanks for fitting me in this week though. HUG Kit

Wow... Writing to you in my notebook is powerful!!!

I had that dreaded deflated balloon mood Thursday and yesterday, the kind I mentioned before where I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing after getting something I wanted a lot. But I know I’m being ridiculous. It will be hard, but worth it - I only realised today I had anxiety, albeit a bit different, around seeing you before - but it has disappeared over time. I’m not going to give up on this new venture, either! I actually felt positive and serene about it today. I know the place most of these feelings come from, which helped with the self soothing and reassurance.

Wow, L. I am not sure how to feel about what happened today when we were scheduling. After you said that stuff, I felt rejected and like you are pushing me away and yes I felt angry and defensive. I've had some time to start thinking about it now and I'm not angry anymore, but I am definitely feeling like I may have overstayed my welcome. I'm glad I didn't tell you where to stick your 'container' like was in my thoughts. I'll come in December and we can talk about all of this more. I still feel like I need to stop. And am now thinking that you see my desire to only come monthly as not wanting to make a decision to be in or out. Yes, that again. "Should I stay or should I go." Not needing you so desperately anymore, wanting to see you less often, yet still so afraid of not having you at all, because you felt like all I had for so long, that I can't just say goodbye. I'm caught in an impossible position. I want to talk about this. But now I've put myself in this stupid position where I can't until next month. Well, I guess the silver lining there is that maybe I will make the decision that needs to be made before then. I'll work on it. You have my sincere promise on that.

Hey E. Thank you for saying you won’t give up. My depression is so bad right now, that all i can focus on is the pain. I also am so, so exhausted. Thanks for letting me touch base during the week, even if i can’t see you next friday.

Hey, Artie, I just wanted to say something, please excuse my forwardness and please ignore if not helpful... Maybe it's time for you to work on leaving your T? What that means for you. The hurt it will bring, the struggle to let go, what the future holds etc. I guess I'm only saying that because I see how powerful the relationship has been for you, like it was for me and my T, and because I never got the chance to 'end' properly. I wish I had had that chance. I wish with all my heart we could have talked through these feelings. Could have discussed possibilities. Could have felt the anger and hurt and yet been able to see she didn't want to cause it. Not sure if it makes any sense... But just felt I wanted to say that. Sorry for 'butting in'.

I'm sorry, K. I'm sorry I made it all about me. I want to say "we built a monster" because that's how I feel about how I have been the last few months. That's not the only voice in my head though. The other voice says "what did you expect?" This was deep work and shouldn't have been ended like that. But it was. And I'm sorry that I couldn't see my way to survive. I don't know if that makes sense. Not much feels like it makes sense right now, but I am doing good things for myself. I am taking care of myself and I will continue to do so. I will give you time and space. I will leave you alone save the occasional card or text. I will start to walk away from you, but I will always hold the hope that maybe we can come together in some way in the future? It still feels unresolved to me, and I'm not sure I'll ever get the opportunity to resolve it with you. I would like that opportunity, but I know you have walked away from that role now. Sadly. So I guess I may never get that chance. To hear your true point of view.

thank you. i appreciate this so much! i just wrote about this in another thread before i saw your post and i'm starting to come to some similar conclusions, that it's time to work on leaving.... that the reason I went to monthly was because i was afraid to make the decision to end, when in reality ending is what i want and need to do. yes it has been a most powerful relationship for me, and for her as well, and talking through all of this with her and then actually ending is what I need to do. I feel like I have made my decision.


And I'm sorry that you didn't have the chance to end properly with your t. I've wanted to comment on your posts about it and have started to more than once but just didn't have the right words, anything i tried to say felt so inadequate.

Hey E. I hope you write back to my email. I’m sure you will. I am so so tired and depressed. I’ll miss you next week.

I just literally opened the word document on my computer to think about my book again and saw this.....
"It is important not to minimize or deny how much you have been hurt. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Psychologically, the abuse means that you had no control, power, or choice in what was done to you. Unlike in natural disasters or in war, in xxxxxxxxxx the trauma is caused by another person who is most often known and trusted by the child, creating the experience of betrayal trauma.
And the hurt is not limited to what the abuser does. Often there is an even greater sense of shock and betrayal felt by the child because other adults weren’t there to protect them, making the child feel abandoned. There can be a sense that it takes a village to raise a child…and it takes a village to abuse one. Especially when the abuse happens in an ostensibly “good,” caring, community, it can feel like the whole world has been complicit, and this can cause you to feel unsafe and insecure in the world.

THIS. THIS is why this type of work should not be ended like it was if it can in any way be helped. I KNOW it is different, but it doesn't FEEL different. I personally think it could have been helped. I would have waited, as long as it took. I would have given you all the time and space you needed if only you had recognised the importance of not abandoning me like that, after everything that we worked through. If only you had been honest with me about where you were at and if you had said that when you could, you would help me to resolve this.

You have said two or three times now that to continue would have been doing me a dis-service. You have said that it wouldn't have been fair on me. I can assure you that THIS isn't fair on me. The right thing to do would have been to just hit pause. On this, at least. To take away my control, my power, my choice, was not fair....... on me. Oh I don't know. I don't think I know an awful lot right now.

Does seeing this and knowing this make it easier? I'm not sure. Maybe it can. Maybe it can help me to see that this is coming from an old place. Maybe it can help push me to work on this old stuff with the new lady. If I can just get through all of this without hitting the self destruct button........ Without isolating myself from the world....... Without completely unravelling everything that we did.

Dear T,

Why am I afraid of the dark but also wanting to play in the dark?

I have to remember to ask you this at our next session.

I feel like I really messed things up and now I don't even have the option of calling you anymore. I'm really sorry, L. I don't have a flipping clue what I am doing here.

I just wrote out a long letter to you. It made me feel better getting it all down on paper. Now I will have a guide to use when we do meet again. Knowing me I will be revising it many times over the next 4 weeks and then I will end up reading it to you when I come back.

I hope you understand what I tried to impart in my email. I needed to keep it short because I don't want to abuse the privilege so I was as concise and as honest as I could be to explain where I'm at right now. It's an unfamiliar place and like I said I don't know what the hell I'm doing.