Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T,

why are you searching for someone to blame? It is my decision and my responsibility. You want to blame someone? Look no further than the armchair across from you. If you must judge at all.

Kate.

Maybe I like that food more because it reminds me of when it was just barely prepandemic. Maybe it has nothing to do with my transference T but I associate it more to a sense of prepandemic normalcy.

Going back on Facebook I first got the Aero bars on January 2nd 2020, the Pop Tarts January 4th 2020, and the European chocolate Smarties on January 27th 2020

So current T are these things transtional objects regarding my transference T or just prepandemic nostalgic foods that I associate with a normal life?

I guess the fact that I am sitting here emailing more therapists not 6 hours after our appointment means that I still don't believe I can do this with you....

Thanks for the session yesterday Julieanne. I'm sorry I relapsed. But you seemed to understand. Thanks for hearing about the voices and stuff too. I know that is difficult. But thanks for not freaking out. Thanks for my next appointment on the 28th. I will probably miss you before then. It is good to know I can text you. I will try not to abuse this privilege though. Thank you, Kit

I want you. Be available to me. I don't understand this. I want you and you have told me that you want to respond and yet here we are with distance between us. Blah blah boundaries. I don't feel very grown up at the moment. I just want you. Be available to me until I decide I different.

Dear Former T. I want you to write me back. I want you to tell me it's going to be okay. That I can heal from this relapse. That it's going to be fine. That I can get through this. That you still care. That you are still there. That you still love me. Please write me. It's been so long. Kit

Moo, i think this is t-talk. My t used to tell me that he wanted to get me a birthday present. I think that "wanting" was supposed to patch, to fill the pot hole that is my birthday. Its some psychic raw material for us to take.

Took me a few years to figure out i wasnt getting an actual birthday present! Well, some of us are slower than others!

I don't feel like listening to any music right now. The phone is not charged anyways. I'm first trying to get some physical stuff under control so I can get a lot of rest tonight so I can make my in person appointment and not have to do remote for the 3rd week in a row

I want to mention the candy but I want to discuss if its a transtional object related to my transfernce T or a nostalgic prepandemic food that reminds of normalcy. I think its an important discussion to have.

And I want to discuss how I've been relating to the song Stay With Me- by Sam Smith recently.

And of course this coming Thursday.

Actually, never mind.

The 15th is still casting some kind of shadow, but then there's the book dilemma, and then there's the letter that I have already written, and had sitting in a drawer waiting for the time that we could be in the same room. I don't know what to talk about. The letter could be a session on its own, the book dilemma could be a session on its own...we've had several sessions talking about the 15th.

Tomorrow is our first session in 2 weeks (because I cancelled last week). I'm nervous about seeing you, because I believe you will ask questions about my therapy with you and I have no answers. None at all.

Dear T,
It helps to know that you're "tired," too. Makes it feel like we're in this together. And maybe helping each other in some way (well, besides financial from me to you).

Love,
LT

Good lord L. It is almost 4 weeks now since we last talked. Where has the time gone? But, I've been feeling so much better since I wrote the letter you said no to, to myself. Thanks for suggesting that. I guess that fact, plus working 58 freaking hours a week, is why time is disappearing in a blink. One day just blends into the next and I hardly know what day of the week it is already and we're only on the 12th day of this crap.

I hope you are taking good care of you. BTW, I got out my daughters of the moon tarot deck this morning and pulled a card for guidance.... well.... you know how these things go sometimes, I got 2 by mistake. One of them was clearly for you. And it helped me understand. Not that I can tell you about it except for here, but, well, yeah. The other one was helpful for me as well as it was about self-nurturance and about energy that has grown and developed and is now fully established. I don't always ask the right questions but boy somehow when I do, I get the answers I need.

I brought up my transfernce therapist and you said something like "oh your bringing up your old therapist." But I only mentioned her while talking about the candy. You seem to think the candy is mostly transference T related but not 100%

But I got those 3 bags of frozen vegetables and those 3 bags of frozen fruits. I did also get a frozen pizza for a cheat night and 2 bottles of zero sugar soda and a couple bags of chips. You said to really watch the chips though.

I'm not trying to be a douche, but I am on the slimmer/ muscular side and you are pretty obese. So I kinda find taking diet advice from you a bit ironic.

You also had on a plain black T shirt which is often a trademark of mine and it reminded me of the line from Mean Girls "I saw Cady Herron wear army pants and flip flops so I bought army pants and flip flops." Although I know it was totally on accident and I was not wearing a black T shirt today anyways.

I wanted to send you a pm Mountain, but I can't.

Not all people are obese because of poor diet and exercise. There are medications with side effects and certain disorders like PCOS that make weight loss very very hard.

I'm sorry. I don't allow any PMs because I've had people send me sexual harrasment ones before. Its nothing personal just my own boundaries and safety concerns.

I will not bring up her weight again.

If it affects you, don't let me stop you from posting. I just wanted to point out that not all obese people have an unhealthy habit. The opposite is true too: some people are normal weight and have unhealthy habits.

I'm sorry I affected you. Please keep posting! Whatever you need to share.

T: I am sort of glad it was a phone session bc there is no way I could have told you what I did, in person. Thanks for being the best guesser I have ever met, lol.

Really depressed and irritable today. I wish it was the weekend.

L, I'm in a really negative spiral today mostly because of work well that's what started it but then I found out my friend's toddler has COVID and now I'm just pissed the hell off at the world in general AND negative/sad. Plus I woke up with a stupid cold/headache myself today. I am having trouble pulling myself out of this. And finding that I don't even really WANT to pull myself out of it, as much as I hate feeling like this. I want to rip my copy of the Mood Elevator off my wall and set fire to the damn thing. I also hate that I am acting all Suzy Sunshine (like you called me) while working, and that is pissing me off even more that I can't let myself be how I ****ing feel.

I'm not sure if I followed the food log or not today. I didnt eat any fruits or vegetables so I most likely didnt. But I also didnt have any candy or chips today. So idk.

I haven't eaten those candy bars today and I have not thought of my transfernce T either today. So idk what that means.

I thought of you a bit today but it was a weird thought. The song One Week came on the radio and that song is very 90's and I was wondering if you have the same pop culture memories of the 90's that I have since we are the same age.

Either possibility in this scenario is overwhelming. I can't believe I actually got so close to writing the email to L, and when it came to doing so, I couldn't remember half of what I'd said. It seems as though the first step is to ask for an email address, so that I can contact her outside her business page.



I am really hoping that the more we work in person, the better my recall will get. It was pretty good Before.

I'm awed by the power of today's session. Thank you.

Well, another three therapists I thought might be suitable are not. Either not taking on new clients or not face to face. I will NOT do zoom. Reached out to another one who looks promising though. Waiting to hear back. You can't say I don't try!