Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

This anxiety is kicking my ***. I feel like something really horrible is about to happen and like I can't breathe and my heart is going to burst from my chest at any moment.

Dear T,
I feel like I can't talk about it with you, but your tearing up--well, I mean, it seemed like you were actively crying--today affected me. In a positive way. It made me feel like you really get my struggles with D's, well, struggles on a personal and not just professional level. I do wish at times I could just talk to you like a fellow parent, that you could actually tell me if you've dealt with something similar without concerns about its potential effect on me clinically.

I admit that I wondered at first if the "family friend's son" you were talking about was actually your son. But then in saying you'd lost touch with them when he was 10--if it was in fact your son, why not share a positive ending? Unless it isn't positive...but I get the sense your son is in mainstream public school and doing OK. Maybe not?

Again, I wish we could really talk about it, like as friends. But I also know that could potentially have a negative effect on the therapeutic relationship for assorted reasons. I mean, what if it was a case where you thought he was on the spectrum, then spent, I don't know, $100,000 on special treatments, and now he's no longer considered on the spectrum? Then it would suggest that I would need to do something similar. Or maybe it was just, "he had celiac and once we took gluten out of his diet, he was all good" or "He had a speech delay, and it turned out that was it, he's all caught up now."

I know you're trying to be careful, and I appreciate that. I wonder if we need to talk about this again? You have to know I'm wondering. I just know it's a potentially touchy subject and don't want to end up in a minefield.

I suppose I could just say that last paragraph and see what you say? Maybe I just need to express it. Like "I wish we could talk about this. I know we can't. I get it. I'm not going to push you to talk about it. But I just need to express that it's in my mind."

Love,
LT

I felt like I wasn't making excuses with you today. Well not a ton of them. I felt like I was being more careful and thoughtful in my answers to your questions then I normally am. You asked me if I used the food log at all and I said yeah and I went into detail without being asked. Then you asked if I ever eat any protein bars like Nature Valley and instead of saying "sometimes" I said when I eat protein bars I normally eat actual ones like Quest bars. Then I talked about the protein shakes we like and the flavors I have in my fridge. I feel like you are helping me be able to give more then just one word answers. Sometimes a therapist would make me so nervous all I'd be able to say the whole time would be "I don't know."

Dear T,

Im sorry for not being as open with you last time. Im really struggling. Work are being difficult and Im not sure whats going to happen. Its making me so anxious.

Neither you nor Dr. S asked me. I wish you had but it doesn't really matter. I mean it wouldn't have changed anything.

I wish my session had been longer. It's really hard knowing I'll be alone until next Thursday. I didn't want you to go.

Thank you for saying to text you if I need to. That tells me you at least understand I'm not ok on some level.

Honestly I feel like I need an intervention or something. Or not an intervention but more intensive treatment to get me out of this place. Not the hospital, that wouldn't do me any good. I don't really know what I mean. I just know 50 minutes/week of therapy isn't going to be enough to make a difference right now.

I feel like I'm just treading water, hoping for spontaneous remission.

This sucks.

I deeply appreciate your reassurance that I can read the letter as many times as necessary.

It's been three months since I saw you for the last time. It's been six months since that fateful day where you dropped the bombshell. I miss you, and what you were to me so much. I am so incredibly grateful for the odd message here or there, but I miss you so much more than you'll ever be able to understand. The strange thing is, I don't even have a gravestone to visit. I have picked a place that will substitute and I visit from time to time, thinking of you as I look out to sea, but then I remember that you are still here, I just can't access you. I can't hold your hand. I can't look in your eyes. I can't hear your gentle words. I can't rest my head on your shoulder. I can't hear your laugh. I can't just be with you. Other people can, but I can't. Will I ever be able to again? I know that we don't know what the future holds, and I know that you are ok. With things taking time (I always did know you had the patience of a saint!) But it is not a virtue that I share, sadly. I think losing my Mum when she was a younger age than you are now led me to realise that time is so incredibly finite. We might not have tomorrow, and the thought of that scares me, and helps me to live as best I can each day (I know sometimes I don't succeed, but that's ok, I do my best). So yeah. I miss you terribly, and I can only hope that one day I might be able to see your kind face again, and I'll smile, look in your eyes, and hopefully make you smile too. I love you.

You should be concerned about me. You said you were yesterday but I don't believe you. I know I don't matter.

are you trying to disappear? cause thats my job.

I pulled out of the sale. I wanted to tell you today, but I’m going to tell you when I see you next week - just please don’t think I’ve given up. I know what you said about me needing to move out is true and I’ll keep working on it. I was just getting really uncomfortable with the lack of progress and my brother’s spidy-senses were starting to get triggered.
I hope I’ll have got that email I wanted next week. I don’t even care if I have to wait until after the meeting to read it.

I am not ready to go back to work yet. My physical symptoms are still a mess. Especially today. When you tell me you want me to apply for work immediatly, its tough. Because I did have a therapist push me before I was ready and it ended up turning into a disaster and I messed up a good oppoturnity. That has me worried so I wan't to be for sure this time that I am ready. And deep down now is not the right time. I'm going to give it another month. I have my finances worked out for the month. But when I get pushed that hard I can sometimes get impulsive in a bad way.

How do I tell you about my oral nightime sensory coping skill? Last night I was bordering on crisis mode until I used it and it was like an instant relief of my unhealthy thoughts and urges and I was almost instantly fine. Its a big part of how I cope with my unhealthy thoughts and stress that creep up at night. But I don't want you to judge me since I've had therapists say its either a great coping skill or a weird one and I think you may be a bit creeped out. I chickened out telling you yesterday. I planned on it all morning then when the zoom session was about to start I immediatly said "nope" but I think if I email you Tuesday night and prepare you for it and say "hey I need to tell you about something that really helps me when I'm struggling but I don't want you to judge me or think I'm weird." That may make it easier for me to tell you in person the next morning. You do sometimes judge a bit to be honest.

You are such a knobhead. Baw bag. A boggin bawfin fud. Radge wee shite. Ye clarty jobbie, giein me the boak.

Coming back to the breath, again and again. Feeling it in waves.

Who am I holding it together for?

Well you can't be surprised if I go out and find one since you don't give me enough attention.

Dear T,
I think you would approve of my chatting with another autism parent tonight. I really need to make friends with more parents who have kids with special needs. And get back in touch with K, too--I miss talking to her anyway. It helps to have people who understand the struggle. E does, but she's also in a different country, where things work differently.

Trying to figure out whether to bring up your getting emotional yesterday. Maybe I'll see how I feel when I start talking to you.

Love,
LT

Where did this wave come from and why does it hurt so much?

Why is this clarity bringing with it so much anger? I'm not made to contain this.
I'm tempted to write another letter, but I know that is Avoidance.

I know I told you that I am more comfortable with the word brave, but that's because I recognise that here there is no painless way to do this. We've been unpacking the aftermath of Steve's death for months, but only now am I getting the sense of being able to do it properly.

That may mean going right back to the theatre newsletter, and the information contained therein...which I did not need. Part of me is hoping that I'm overthinking it, and I know full well that I cannot ask you. You don't know, neither of us knows.

I will never know what was in Steve's heart and mind that day, and thank God I don't.
On the other hand, the effect of his leaving in my world has been huge. It's been six months, and still feels like it happened last week.

Help me, damn you

I'm going to text you! I just don't know what yet!

Another Friday at 1pm that I'm not sitting across from you. 7 weeks now since we last talked. Sometimes I miss you, I miss 'us', but mostly, I'm fine. And mostly, I know I did the right thing for me. Sometimes when I'm missing you I doubt myself though. I guess that's all a part of following through on decisions and accepting the consequences of them. It's getting better though.

Dear T,
Part of me wishes I had brought up your crying last session. But of course, I have no idea how it would have gone, so maybe I'd have regretted it. And it's more risky being a Friday.

Today's session seemed to go by quickly. You were empathetic, but not as openly as the past few sessions. I'm left feeling a little sad about that, even though it's not like there was anything bad about today's session or how you were. Just sort of wish today's and Wednesday's had been switched, so I'd feel that strong connection heading into the weekend. Though you did give me a "take care" today, so...

Love,
LT

I didnt expect you to and I wasn't hoping either and it probably would have just ****ed with my head anyways. But I was wondering if you were going to send a happy birthday email to me. But since you don't email me normally unless its a schedule issue and you already said happy birthday during our session I didn't think you would. Plus you probably figured it would have been a head **** for me anyways. So I guess thanks? For not emailing me.

T- Thanks for calling me today in m semi-crisis state. And that you sang happy birthday to me 😊 That was sweet.

Please, please hope that things go alright tomorrow.

E-If something happens and I can’t see you on Sunday, I will really lose my mind.

Dear T,
I'm so stressed about all of this. I think the school psych is giving me incorrect information about evaluation timing. I'm worried this will get adversarial. I'm hoping B will be able to respond with something helpful and reassuring. I wish D was still working with her.

I wish I could talk to you again before Monday. I know I could email, but I feel that I want to know what I'd, well, want from you if I did that. Beyond what you've said the last couple sessions on it. But I may end up emailing anyway.

I am getting support and suggestions from some other parents in that group, so that's helping. Everyone is so supportive. I guess it's a sort of "we're all in it together" mentality. I mean, I'd help them, too.

Love,
LT

T-waiting at airport 1: so far on time. Let’s hope it’s the same at airport 2.

E: I’m going to be so exhausted at our session on sunday, hope that doesn’t make it worse.