Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

God I’m going to miss you so much…

Hey E- I made art about the thing I can’t talk about. I am already really scared to show you tomorrow.

L,
I feel panicked. I kind of feel like I just did karaoke drunk... Like: "oh ****, did I say/do all of that?!". I got brave through writing, but now that I have to face you, I'm scared. I'm letting you see me, and it's terrifying. These topics, I haven't talked to anyone about them in detail. Some of them I don't even understand! I need you to push me tomorrow, L. I have to push through this fear. It's the only path forward. Can you provide me with lots of reassurance beforehand?

I love you, L. Thank you for choosing to be on my team!

The other day when I said something that did sound like a bunch of BS you said "I'm going to use my "lie detecter" test that I use on my clients who are kids."

Your tone didn't sound like you were talking down to me so I didn't take offense at that moment. You just act a lot older then your age. I think I'm a bit older then you which is kind of funny. But I'm probably the one with the issue.

It didn't really bug me I'm just not sure how I feel about you bringing up your clients who are kids in relation to me.

I feel a bit better today. Helps that I don't have anything scheduled requiring live interaction other than the team meeting, which I've already had.

E: I am SO nervous to see you tonight. Will I be brave enough to show you and be able to talk about it? I wish we texted, bc I would let you know ahead of time how anxious I am. Emailing 3.5 hours before hand seems silly.

I know you will be your awesome, gentle self, but it doesn’t help calm me down.

Turns out that the writing for wellbeing group meeting is next weekend, and therefore not the support that I was hoping would help me through tomorrow. Frustrating to say the least.

Hiya L. 4 weeks ago right now since we last sat down to talk. I don't understand how the past week went by so fast when each individual day felt so long!! I'm still missing my experience of you, of "us", our time together, the "relationship". A little bit less than last week, but still a lot. I was thinking about it this morning, how much I appreciate your respecting my need to be 'out in the world on my own' or however you said it. I have to know that I got this. You know? I never would have been able to start learning that I do got this if I kept coming there, kept 'holding onto the shore', so to speak which kept me from moving forward, kept holding myself back by holding myself an emotional hostage to the relationship-as-I-had-built-it-up-in-my-head.

I hope you are taking good care of yourself, have gotten the much-deserved rest you needed and are in the new year a new and refreshed version of you. take care of you.

Love,
me

I did eat the vegetables and some protein. Both of which is on our list. But I basically failed at eating today and while I want to make progress with you I really am not feeling well which you know. I can't even handle caffeine free diet Coke right now.

It IS rather wily of you lot, thinking specifically about you. One of the things I've been thinking about lately, is along the lines of how much of your disclosures were designed to make me feel like I knew you and like the relationship was real so I would open up and talk and work through stuff I wouldn't have otherwise opened up about. I'm still working on being okay with all of that means-to-an-end stuff as I continue de-constructing my attachment to you.

Starting to get more comfortable with the more realistic idea that I truly did know a version of you, meaning I knew my experience of you. Just like that's really all anyone else can know too, is their experience of you. No one else is inside your head and can really "know" you. Not even your own T, I say that with conviction because you don't really "know" me either, you know your experience of me one hour a week. You have never seen me interact with my husband or family or friends and you know nothing of work-me or the me that participates in shamanic circles and trainings and stuff.


I'm not discounting the work you do. Not at all. I'm thankful and grateful for how much you have helped me change and become more the person that I want to be. I just wish there had been a less painful way for you to say what you said rather than "You don't know me." That was hurtful and I continue to feel the sting of it whenever I think about it.

But overall I remain thankful and grateful and will likely always feel warmly towards you. Maybe we'll run into each other in Costco again someday.

Oh, and I asked for guidance around a specific question this morning using the robin wood tarot and pulled one of the cards of the major arcana. It clearly answered my question. I'm getting a little better with this tarot stuff as I practice more.

And another potential therapist has no availability. 4 out of 4. Am I seriously going through this all over again. Can I get a break please? I could really use one right about now.

E, I did it. Somehow. I survived. I am too exhausted to completely go down the shame spiral.

I know you'll have a meltdown if my covid test comes back postive but you wont think I'm too much of a medical risk or something and stop seeing me in person and only see me remote from now on will you?

Can a therapist actually do that with a client, can they feel uncomfortable seeing them in person and only allow remote sessions? Or is that considered discrimination.

I was not feeling good at our session on Wednesday and you asked if I got tested for covid and I said yeah a week ago but I didn't really start feeling things until yesterday. I thought I had a UTI on Wednesday or something similar. Not covid.

I miss you. I told you I would.

I should go to the store before the storm, but I just don't want to.

I hope you don’t feel frustrated by me bringing up the same topics now and then. I read the other day that trauma recovery goes in spirals, rather than a straight line. I felt very angry again last night, not sure if I’m stuck or making progress though. It felt justified last night, now I feel guilty and ungrateful, even though most people probably would be angry if they were in my shoes.

Dear T,
It really meant a lot that you said the way I'd phrased things when I reached out to my friend about the yoga course was "sweet." I'm realizing the (positive) comments you make that affect me the most regard areas where I feel like I'm lacking in some way. Particularly as a friend or as a parent. And the fact that I know you are generally honest about things makes it have more meaning. Like how you said if a friend you hadn't talked to in a while reached out, but it was only to lament how they're doing. But how that's not what I was doing.

I know I need to find ways to feel more secure in those areas in myself, and not need it from you (or someone else). I guess that's one of the things we're working toward, isn't it?

Love,
LT

Dear T again,
Also, still feeling pretty anxious about the sick kid in D's class. Doesn't help that we got a notification of 2 Covid cases at her school yesterday--I'm wondering if they tested him before he went home? But I'm nearly equally (more?) worried it's not Covid and is actually a stomach bug. I had read someplace that it would generally hit in 24-48 hours, so I thought we were perhaps in the clear, but then some other place said 72 or even longer. D was lying in her bed a little bit earlier this afternoon, so that worried me (for either illness). I'm just trying my best not to obsess over it. Maybe we need to spend more time on this topic (the second type of illness--God knows we've spent plenty of time on Covid...).
Love,
LT

I don't want to spend another session picking apart my process around the book. I am just as scared about discussing the letter. Nothing to blame but crappy circumstances...however, a lot of time has passed since I wrote it. Now the book is not happening, but there's possibility...and there's cowardice.

I have to neutralise the anger in order to function, but that makes it hard to access when it is safest to do so....alongside you.

Y'know L.... I miss the you-that-I-knew, the us-that-I-used-to-think-we-were. I don't know if that makes any sense to you or not, probably it doesn't, but it's how I feel. I mean it's not constant or bad or anything but at the same time, it's there and I notice it sometimes. Sometimes when I'm out walking and just looking out at the world-at-large it seems to look... I don't know... different somehow. Funny how you're the one person that I really would like to be able to talk with about this but... I gotta work within the boundary you set and since right now I don't want or need to see you weekly, it's out of the question. Maybe I'm just tired from working so much this month. I can have enough patience to wait and see if my feelings change after the overtime ends. I am tired right now. They're expecting a lot out of us at work this month and it's not just all the overtime, it's also the switching back and forth between and among the different responsibilities that we have had thrust upon us, at the drop of a hat. I can do it, I'm handling it, but it's tiring all the same. I'm very thankful that I work at home and not like in a doctor's office or a retail pharmacy that's for sure. I need to remember to be grateful, to have patience with myself, and keep reminding myself that this difficult month will be over soon. We're halfway there. I am reminding myself that February will be easier. And I set a reminder in my phone calendar to call you for a brief check-in in mid-March, 3 months after our final session. I don't know if I will still want to check in by then or not, but right now anyway, it's helpful for me to see that reminder on my phone. Right now, today, I am missing you.

I wish I knew why the thought of you in that - erm - situation bothers me so much. Is it simply because of my feelings, even though I don't THINK I'd want anything to happen in THAT way with you? Or is it because I'm lonely and because of my limitations I'm not sure that much is going to change. Whatever the reason, it hurts, and I'm too scared and embarrassed to tell you because I don't want to know about it, truly I don't. I'm too paranoid to even discuss my own feelings about it. But at the same time I can't sit up all night crying either. What is wrong with me? I'm not even gay ffs.

So last night I did miss transference T. Enough to eat a mint Aero bar. Eating it helped and it made me stop thinking of her. It also legit helped with my hunger as well. But last night the candy bar was a therapist issue.

Current T I am not doing too well on the food log today. I have not had any candy but I've had 2 servings of Goldfish crackers and one serving of cheetos. I did have some tuna and I will be having some more protein for dinner though. I have lost 3 pounds since we met on Wednesday. I am not sure what you will think about anything I tell you.

But I am negative for covid so at least you won't freak out about that.

So tomorrow we meet again and there has been so much during the past weeks that I will just not know where to start and it will be a horrible session with me not being able to sort anything out.
The truth is, I firmly believe you deserve it but i wish we didn’t have such long breaks.

Well, Tuesday is nearly here again. I find myself still missing Ex T and still wishing I was able to see her for sessions. I find myself continually trying to find the right path forwards yet seemingly it isn't there. So I guess I will be back with you in less than two days time.

I am VERY close to emailing Old T again. Mainly because that woman that she recommended to me has not replied to my email about coming back and I'm not sure where that leaves me.

It all still feels like a bit of a pot mess and like I said last week, I am having to seriously consider whether I am meant to be doing this work or not. I am a big believer in the Universe and Fate. That things are meant to be for a reason. Maybe I'm not able to find the right person because I'm not meany to be doing this right now.

Hey E, I hope me emailing again was okay. Hard weekend. And I won't get to see you this week. Stupid wisdom teeth.