Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Hey, L. Just hey, nothing else really, just want the sense that you're still there that's all. I'm feeling kinda okay at the moment, like it is what it is and it's okay, and I know now what I would have wanted you to write in the letter I asked for, so I'm going to write it to myself like you suggested. But tomorrow, not tonight. Too tired tonight! I still love the you-that-I-knew.

Hey E--I am so grateful you are willing to have a Sunday session. Thank you.

And, with just starting the letter last night, I am back on the TED triangle again. Best tool you never shared with me (I stumbled upon it myself).

I love the TED talks on YouTube, ArtieTheSequal! I can’t work out what it stands for, though lol.
Dear T, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I’m not sure if you were saying “great stuff!” about the idea I shared the other day, or the fact I got the email I was (kind of) waiting for. I laughed at myself last week after I tried to show you that sketch on zoom, before realising it would be too faint to show on screen. D’oh!

Technology, Education and Design...I think.

I just bought some pretzel Pop Tarts because I remember discussing them with my transference T around this time 2 years ago. I mentioned buying them and her asking how they were.

Current T I hope I don't scare you off. You have already said the things I do are creepy.

I think I will have a mint Aero bar today. And my Geodon early.

Hope it's OK to reply to this. I'm just curious--is she saying that eating/drinking things that remind you of transference T is creepy? If so, that seems rather extreme on her part. I mean, it's rather common for people to, say, listen to music that reminds them of someone from their past, and I don't see food/drink as any different from that.

I also don't like the word "creepy," as my current T used that a while back to describe getting comfort from holding a transitional object he'd given me (he's very different about things like that now, thankfully), and it was very distressing for me.

Yes thats excatly what she said. She said eating the stuff I eat because she liked it and eating stuff that reminds me of her is being obsessive and she did say it was being creepy.

I've watched a lot of them too and have enjoyed them. But the "TED" I was referring to is The Empowerment Dynamic, which is basically the antidote to the Karpman Drama Triangle. It's fascinating stuff and has been really helpful for me since I found it. I talked about the drama triangle allllll the time in therapy because I was trapped on it for a very long time and then discovered the TED triangle and have been working with that ever since.

I should say, L, that I didn't just stumble on the TED triangle. It's more, the universe stuck it in my face the minute I was ready to see it!!

Ugh, I'm sorry. I hope you can work things through with current T and that she'll be more understanding than judgmental.

I thought she was being understanding. I didnt take it as being judgmental. But then again I suck at understanding social cues and stuff.

This whole thing reminds me of Chocolate Boy from the show Hey Arnold. I'm not sure if you are familiar with that show. I feel like this is kinda like that situation.

I just had a candy bar and I feel much better in general.

That IS how it all works. What is the alternative? That you would be lacking that healing forever? Stop it? Get over it? If only we could. As the twig is bent, so grows the tree / child.

To me it was simple math. I lacked something, he added it. Now im whole. Some people dont lack as much, they can function truthfully, decisively, and as themselves in adulthood.

Ts provide it, we pay for it. As Freud said, yes a friend could do it, but where would you find such a friend? That to me is one of the deeper and more feminist things he said.

Eta - your post was so clear and so beautiful, it inspired me to respond.

Technology, Entertainment, Design apparently.

Thanks Una. I know. I am so very grateful for the healing. And I honestly wouldn't change anything of it, because I do believe in my heart of hearts that it worked exactly the way it was supposed to. It's just weird, looking back on it as a whole, is all. You know?

So! L. I finished writing the letter yesterday right before i fell asleep, the one that I wanted you to write. I fell asleep quickly and slept really good, got up only briefly twice but aside from those 2 quick bathroom trips I was in bed and asleep. No staring at the ceiling last night. 12 hours! Unheard of for me.

I have difficulty asking for what I need or want...that is true.
I underestimated the difficulty of having the opportunity to ask taken away.
Many, many expletives.

My goodness, it appears that you knew what you were doing after all when you said no to the letter and suggested that I write it to myself! Go figure! (That's a joke, my dear L.) I feel like writing the letter last night gave me a little more closure. The best part is it even 'sounds' like you. Not difficult, as I have your voice in my head and stuff. I am SO glad that you suggested I write it to myself. I don't think I would have thought of doing that. It was a helpful exercise.

eta: it is also not lost on me that if I hadn't asked for it in the first place, you never would have suggested that I write it myself. So even though you said no, something good still came of me asking for what I needed/wanted.

Dear Julieanne. Can't you just take away the pain I'm in? Please. Use your magic wand. Or at least make it hurt less? Thanks. Kit

Dear T,
For some reason, this seems like an odd thing to say, but I'm glad you said you could tell that I'm not doing well. Because it shows that you know me and will pick up on things, even if I'm like, "Oh, I did yoga the other day and also won both fantasy football leagues." That you're aware of what's beneath the surface, what I'm maybe not saying. Though I have been pretty weepy in the last couple sessions, so I guess I'm not hiding it that well. But still, sometimes I'm weepy about particular topics even though I'm mostly doing fine.

I do wish we could chat at times without the set time constraints, like I said, but of course I understand why they're there. It's just everything doesn't fit neatly into 50 minutes.

But I think sharing my "agenda" on the days that I have one at the start of session, as you suggested, might help. It was a good observation that my being aware of and making note of the time seems to make me more anxious rather than helping. And trying to cram in those last items, that might not be the best thing. Unless they're just like a one-sentence update. Maybe you can help me prioritize? Though sometimes my agenda items (like today) are pretty vague, so you'd have no idea for some the emotional weight or meaning. Maybe I should try to add those on, like that could be a good exercise for me before session.

Love,
LT

L,
I'm scared of tomorrow. Are you sure this won't negatively affect you? Having such thoughts in your head? Are you sure you still want to give me a hug? This is going to be so hard! But if you're up for it, I'm hoping this will help. Maybe we can do another phone call tomorrow before session?

You're a precious person. I will always have a place in my soul for you. But I really have no desire to continue therapy. Maybe much of that feeling has to do with covid...there's not much to discuss when the only place I go is a quick trip to the grocery store. And occasionally to my hair stylist. Maybe you and I can discuss this seasons "hot" hair colors...??...eye roll...

Dear T,
I did feel maybe a bit judged about the work thing. Both my needing an extension for something and the fact that I'm still working for somewhat reduced pay from the one place. That felt a bit like paternal countertransference. Or something. I'm glad you didn't push for continuing that conversation today. I know my career is something to address more, but right now is not the time...
Love,
LT

I didn't think about my transfernce T much today. I told my mom a bit about how she was helpful summer of 2020 when I had no idea what was going on with me and how she gave me a helpful suggestion. But that was all I said about her. But its kinda like this song that goes "do you ever rewind to the summer you knew me."

But anyways. That was the only moment I was focused on my transfernce T. I did not eat the Smarties, or Aero bars or Goldfish, drink the tea or do anything like that.

Current T on Wednesday we have to majorly talk about my recent health problem and the conversation is going to be super awkward. We have never discussed this stuff before. But I am a nervous wreck about this doctors appointment and exam on Thursday.

I hope you didn’t feel I was trying to push you to share your thoughts on my idea from last week. I didn’t realise you’d felt too ill to really talk when I sent the email, as you said you had mild symptoms. I’m glad you’re feeling better, now. That’s what matters, really.
It’s nice to see your dog gradually blossoming, too.