Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I'm getting kinda weary of hearing all about your life during my sessions. You seem to be confused between a client and a friend.

T and E: Today has been THE longest day ever, and it is only day one of being back. Can I do it? I know you reminded me that I have survived every encounter thus far, but I swear it gets harder every year.

L,
Please don't forget the extended email and the Christmas email!

Thank you!!!

Hey, New T, I had a dream about you last night... Out of nowhere it seems. Actually, I had a few dreams last night, one of which included all my teeth falling out! I dreamt that you had decided you couldn't work with me anymore. Because I reminded you too much of yourself, and you hadn't done the work on that part of you necessary in order to work with me. In one way you were really nice about it, in another way you were so mean when I got upset. You told me to get a hold of myself, basically stop being a baby about it all. I was trying to explain that a big part of my journey has been about allowing these feelings. How I never would have got upset about things in the past, but that now I wanted to be different. But in the bath yesterday I was wondering if I really DID want things to be different after all. Feelings are SO hard!! This anxiety I am feeling over COVID and Christmas is crazy. I feel all jittery in my arms... I've had a headache for two weeks now and I am getting occasional chest pains. I can't speak to the doctor because they are all busy dealing with the boosters so I spoke to the pharmacy who suggested Kalms. So I am going to take those and see what they do. Doesn't help I've just been told we are short staffed over the Christmas weekend so I will have to work harder now and my Dad is stuck in self isolation because his day two PCR test hasn't arrived and now we don't know what to do! Hopefully he can book another one and get the results in time for Saturday. But yeah, some days I would rather go back to how I was before, but then I know I would t have any of the friends that I have now. I wouldn't have my wonderful other half and I wouldn't have experienced the love I felt from and for Ex T, so, maybe I have to take the poison with the pie??

Apparently I lied. I'm not going to stop typing here. I've been awake since 3:30am thinking about you and wondering where my work would have gone next had we not stopped. Not regretting that we did stop, because I know now that I can still do the work with the version of you that I carry with me, I just need to sit myself down and do it. Maybe after work today I'll start writing about it and see where that goes....

We had a great session today, with a small reminder of the progress I have made since last year. Thanks for also confirming my suspicions over mum putting herself down - I know my therapy isn’t about her, well I guess not directly, but we both suffered negative consequences of dad’s behaviour and I wish she would be willing to untangle her own skein and get better. Even now dad’s gone, I’m too tired of being in the situation, or at least of trying to shake off the phantoms, to give anything ‘above and beyond’ to her right now. Is that even my job anyway?
I do think she realises, deep down, what happened to her but she’s minimising it all. I’m just sad that she didn’t see she deserved better.
I can only be responsible for myself, though.

Its been 10 months today since my last session with my transference T. I wonder if she ever thinks about me. My current T was saying that I didnt mean as much as I thought I did to her. But I dont know. I hope she hasnt forgotten about me totally, but we had only been meeting for less then 2 years. So its not like I was with her for years.

I'm still just trying to process this currently in therapy. I think its just the time of year. This cant go on forever, eventually I'll have to let go and accept things.

You know L, it's a funny combination of feelings I've got right now. I'm thinking about you quite often throughout the days/nights this week. Maybe that's just me creating the new version of you inside like you were talking about? Since I finally let go of 'fantasy-you'? And at some point you'll stop popping into my head so often... I dunno. At any rate, it's all good, I'm settled with the decision and know it was time, no regrets.

p.s. I wish you could have met 'fantasy-you'. She was awesome. I miss her more than I miss you. If that's not weird enough....

Maybe I should write a little story with fantasy-you as the main character. That might be fun. Have her run off and join a traveling circus or something.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. Going to try to focus on the writing and reading and music and dancing and art.

Be safe. Have a good holiday. Rest your brain.

Love you,
--LT

Hi R,

I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas. I'm beginning to feel hopeful that what we had planned may actually happen. Cautious optimism has been my way, but I'm trying actual optimism on for a change.

See you soon,

Lost

Dear Ex T,

I hope the gifts aren't too 'sombre' or 'persobal'. I just want to show you that I care about you, too. Your feelings do matter to me. They have always mattered to me, though we both worked hard to keep that fine line at the right place. I think we succeeded, and feel now is the time for that fine line to shift a little.

Happy Christmas my Dear K. Love me

Hey L. A week ago right now I was driving to your office for our last session. I hope that you are enjoying your vacation! You didn't say whether or not you were going anywhere, so maybe it's a staycation and you're just resting. Anyway, rest well. You deserve it after putting up with me for 10 years. I hope you are able to replace my slot with a client who isn't as much work as I have been.


I'm gonna miss sending you my yearly Christmas wish tomorrow. We already wished each other happy holidays before I left last week so I'll leave you alone.

Dear Ex T,

We really are doing this, aren't we! Thank you for the text, I wasn't expecting it after we already experienced Christmas greetings after I dropped your gifts off.... I'm intrigued to see where this goes... I hope you have a good one, and I hope you are surrounded by love and laughter tomorrow x

Dear E and T-I miss you guys. Just wish I was back home, though this visit has been loooonnggggg, it hasn’t been TOO bad. But going back home means wisdom teeth removal 😭

L,
You still did forget my Christmas email
I'm trying to not be too upset because you did send a ton of other emails to help. Plus, I know you'll send me something on Christmas. I'm also looking forward to our phone call on the 28th. I miss you immensely, but am doing my best to hang in there.

I hope you have a good day tomorrow, I have a feeling it might be better than mine, if I’m honest. There won’t be anyone ruining things or creating unnecessary drama, at least, from this Christmas onwards. Have asked mum about board games, but looks like I’ll have to buy some if I want to play anything with her. Battleship can be done on paper, hopefully she will understand it better when she sees it because she didn’t when I tried explaining it last night (though I have a vague memory of her telling me she used to play it with her dad/brother? I seriously hate how she keeps saying she’s stupid. I know she’s not. God, I really do hate my dad for doing what he did to us).

Dear T,
I hope you arrived at your destination safely. Barring some sort of complete catastrophe, I intend to not contact you before Tuesday. Well, you'd said if I didn't hear from you Sunday about the Tuesday timing to text you Monday, so I guess I'd do that, but it would just be "Does 2 on Tuesday still work?" And I imagine you'd just say yes or no. But like nothing of substance.

I so don't feel like doing any Christmas Eve festivities tonight, but that's more about being tired/stressed. And not being used to spending much time around people, and then I have to do that both tonight and tomorrow. And I don't have the usual buffer of my sis-in-law tonight, so just us and the parents (and stepparent) in law. I'm sure MIL will be very stressed and anxious. And I will feed off that in some way. And SMIL won't stop talking. But I can get through it.

Love,
LT

I'm so anxious. I'm so anxious. I'm so anxious. Eff food.

A week ago right now were were sitting together in your office talking, winding down to goodbye, and I hadn't yet done my final sand tray. I've been cooking a little bit today (made my famous mashed potatoes so far, and cookies are next). I didn't even notice when 10 am came and went with no reminder text, but I did notice the time when I left last week to come to your office and of course I'm noticing the time now. I'm crocheting now, working on an afghan for my nephew. It won't be done for Christmas, but it will be for sure by his birthday in April so that's good. Depending on how quickly I finish I may just sent it in January as a late christmas.

I miss you a little bit right now. Nothing too bad. Just gonna take a little getting used to, I suppose. I'm happy and settled overall. And I sincerely hope you are having a restful time off, and that you have a joyous holiday season.

Dear T,
Had a total panicky, sobbing meltdown when it was time for me to head out to my in-laws'. I think it's anxiety about having to be social plus eating in front of them, because anxiety/stress/depression kills my appetite. Maybe some of the agoraphobia coming back, too? Didn't help that I saw our state's updated county case numbers. I think it was also triggered by my roasted veggies shrinking more than I'd expected, so my side dish that was specifically requested looked pathetic (I hadn't made it in 2 years).

H is being incredibly understanding, and I'm just going to stop over there for the gift-opening portion. I'm not sure how I'll get through the festivities at my parents' tomorrow, but I feel like I don't really have a choice there.


I hope you're having a fun, relaxing time. I wish I could talk to you, but there's no way I'd contact you right now. I'm going to let you have your much-needed, much-deserved time away from your practice.

Love,
LT

Oh L - I haven't cried like this with missing my grandma in a long time. I didn't anticipate this - not at all. But while watching the church service happening at the church I grew up in, on Facebook just now, such strong memories of my grandma, sitting next to her in church on Christmas Eve, listening to her singing, when the organ started up on Joy To The World, that was it, the dam broke, I started bawling. I miss her all over again and I miss you, too. I suppose it was inevitable. I'll be fine, just gotta feel all the feels for a bit. All is well.

LT: Re: your trigger--I did the same thing before I came back home for Christmas.

I can do one more day, right?