Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Hi R,

Merry Christmas! Thank you for your patience and understanding this year. I hope that we can soon be in the same room.


Love,

Lost

Thanks for sharing--makes me feel a bit better that you did it as well! Hope you get through the holiday OK. Hugs if wanted.

What a disastrous session. You outdid yourself.

Merry Christmas, L. I hope you're having a restful vacation.

Happy Christmas, T! Hope your day was good. I thought I really was going to get my (secret) Christmas miracle today, but was sadly disappointed. I wasn’t expecting it to happen, it was just a little fantasy and highly unlikely to come true. I know just what you’d say about it all, though, which amuses me.

It's probably a good thing that you said no to the letter but in my heart I still wish you would have said yes. I'll get over it of course. Especially since lately I've been "seeing" you in a quite different light, you know? Like, without all my projections and transference-y stuff. In a ridiculous kind of way, that's where all the magic was, you know? And I can continue with creating that new internal version of just-therapist-you. How long does this take, anyways? I am impatient!

HA and especially since I didn't know what I wanted it to say when I tried to write it myself like you suggested.

Merry Christmas L!

I hope you guys had a great day. I'm so glad it is over. It wasn't too terrible, but my anxiety was out of control. I feel like I did everything wrong. E, Friday can't come soon enough. T, Jan 5 feels so far away!

I’m sitting at the airport with this sense of dread? Not sure. But, I feel like I effed up on this trip. How, I don’t know! Now I just am ready for my kitties and bed. Too bad I have a 3 hour layover later.

The pain i felt last night....i cried myself to sleep. I will never be part of your family. I tried so hard to make the most of my own but it lacks so much. I went through the motions. I didn't feel connected to them. It was all pretty pointless....even the present opening was done pretty much alone.

Dear T,
I miss you. Hoping we can still meet at 2 on Tuesday instead of you needing to push it to the evening, but as long as we can still meet that day, it's OK. Still feels far away...

I hope you're having a relaxing time. And staying Covid-free.
Love,
LT

I’m starting to see the things you saw in my mum, from the things I’ve told you about her and our relationship, that I couldn’t really see before. Have to agree, it’s not great. I have a feeling I know what you’re going to make of what she said to me yesterday before we left for our in law’s house. It was so unnecessary of her, and unfair on me in more ways than one.
Otherwise, really looking forward to seeing you Tuesday.

There's so much that I keep starting to write here and stopping myself. things about this whole "relationship" that I'm starting to understand now that I'm on the other side of it. I mean it all worked the way it was supposed to (I think anyway) I just wish that it hadn't taken me so dang long to see what I was doing for probably the last couple of years. Also I do know, looking back, that you DID try to talk about it more than once but I wouldn't have anything of it. So it was all just a part of my process I suppose... so I'm grateful to you for letting me continue until I was ready to see it for myself. I kinda wish you could know that I'm realizing all of this now but maybe it doesn't matter to you because I finally got to the ending point, and the how doesn't matter anymore. I dunno. You keep popping into my head at least once a day.

Lately I've been thinking more of transfernce T then normal. More then my current T. I haven't been thinking about going back to remote. She basically said they didn't plan to and I havent seen the news in a few days so I'm not sure whats going on.

I'm hoping after the one year mark on feb 23 thats when these feelings about transference T will go away. But this has been tougher to deal with then my dads death. And I find that kinda sickening.

But current T I do want to make progress with you and dwelling on my transfernce T each session I dont think is a good use of our time. Its just everything we talk about somehow ends up back to her.

Can you also listen to the song The Freshmen by the Verve Pipe? Its kind of become my therapy song with you the way the song Halls was with my transfernce T.

I dont know if you'll appreciate it though. She didnt get it when she read the lyrics to Halls.

Dear T,
Thanks for remembering to text me today about Tuesday. Good to know it's 95% likely we'll meet at the scheduled time (of course I'm a little concerned about the 5%!). And I appreciate your saying you hoped I had a nice Christmas.
Really, it's just good to know you still exist in the world.

Be safe traveling home.
Love,
LT

I'm having a terrible night. Lying awake sobbing silently so my mum won't hear. I wish i could tell you the depth of this pain and how i think I'm only going to survive if i let go of you.

Oh, sure. Of course. Right after we say goodbye, COVID hits my immediate family. I really want to talk to you, hear your calming voice, but I won't bother you especially since you're on vacation. If my son gets really sick, heaven forbid, or if H and/or I get really sick cuz we saw him yesterday, I will be calling you. Right now he just feels like he has a sinus infection and doesn't feel too bad but it's just the first day.

L,
It feels like it's been weeks, but it's only been days. I miss you immensely. The grief and the longings hurt so bad. I'm already starting to lose the connection. I don't mean to or want to. Maybe it's an unconscious coping mechanism? It happens every. single. vaction. I just want you to come back safe and sound. I love you.

I'm beginning to believe it could happen. It would be good if it did.

Dear T, thank you for the kind Christmas card and the good wishes on Christmas. I'm glad you had a good day. Looking forward to talking to you whenever we schedule next.

Dear T,
More and more stuff keeps happening and building up. I wish I had like 3 hours with you tomorrow... At least I'm supposed to see you both tomorrow and Thursday. Just hoping that 5% doesn't happen (or does that just mean you'd have to meet in the evening instead?)
Love,
LT

I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss our usual Christmas day email exchange. Cuz I did.

I called the pharmacy about the running out of geodon 11 days early. So I am working on it. If I tell you about it you'll want me to call my doctor and spill my guts and be "totally honest." With him so I am on the fence about telling you about it or feeling like I'll just be telling on myself.

But on Wednesday can we make a legit meal, sleep, and med schedule since I'm having trouble sticking to a schedule for all 3?

I also kind of appreciate it when you say that something I eat is gross. Even if it doesnt make a lot of sense compared to what you eat. I find it better then being a blank slate robot and being fake and saying "oh. I dont eat ever eat rice cakes." In a robot type voice.