Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Sorry for the eleventh hour email. I wonder whether it feels as strange to you having these 'spiritual' discussions as it does to me.

I'm doing my best to get my head (and heart) around it, and I often feel like I'm not doing very well.

Thank you for your patience.

Dear t thank you very much for phoning me yesterday and taking my call this morning. I am so looking forward to the phone session on Thursday. It's great to have you back and I missed you so much. Thank you for your help
Love
Cheryl

Dear E: This last email wasn’t too much was it? I KNOW I shouldn’t write late night/under the influence of ambien emails. I know, you’ve always responded and keep telling me it’s not too much. But what if this one is?!

Dear K,

This evening was the first time I've ever really felt that maybe seeing you again, outside of the therapy space/time, would be weird. Awkward. Unhelpful?? I'm not ready to believe that yet, but a fleeting thought passed through my brain.

Of course I still want to though, not yet, but one day 'soon'. I'd love to just sit with you for an hour, or walk with you. Despite any awkwardness. Despite any difficulties.

I'm still not ready to let go of that. Of you. I miss you and I love you and I hope you are well and happy.

Earlier when I posted "I wish so many things"... those 5 words prompted today's poem. It's to you, of course. Not that you'll ever read it now, but.... in my heart I know it's to you.

so yes I ruined her life and she doesn't even know. I don't think I can become close to her again because of this.

Dear T,
I hope my email didn't/doesn't annoy you. Just trying to share something positive for once. Hope you'll just say something brief in return, like "Glad to hear it" tomorrow morning.
Love,
LT

Thanks, E. I almost went ahead and purchased a stuffed animal that looks like him. I stopped bc what if it comes out bad/what if it isn't even soft? Ugh. I miss him so much.

I feel pretty humiliated that you don't have anything else to say to me. I'm reminded of the abject mortification of responding to a stranger's hello as you pass them only to realize their greeting was directed at someone else. The embarrassment of being caught thinking somebody not only notices you exist but deems you worthy of acknowledgement. As if!

It occurs to me that you were telling the truth and you really aren't bothered by me. That's how beneath your notice I've become. I'm a complete non-entity that can be dismissed with a careless wave of the hand, like swatting away a fly.

It's almost comical to see such stark evidence of your disinterest. Well, it would be if it wasn't accompanied by a pang of loss. Loss of the illusion if not of anything I ever actually possessed.

Dear T,

thanks for answering my questions. You're pretty cool

Can't believe it'll be 2 weeks to our next session, but I feel consoled by the fact that it'll be the last time we have a break that is longer than a week for the foreseeable future.

The people here might not agree, but you are actually very good.

Kate

Now I don't want to do virtual. Not that I feel much better physically but I feel really sad and I want to discuss it with you in person but maybe its best you are able to see my facial expressions if I am feeling this level of sad.

I was expecting to be going a different route when I went back on my shots. I wasn't expecting to feel such saddness over non therapy related things.

I kinda am proud of myself for not noticing your email for 3 hours instead of noticing and replying back immediatly. It shows you arent that important to me and I can function without you. As for today I still kinda am glad its gonna be virtual. My stomach feels messed up and the only reason I ate something was so you wouldn't get pissed at me.

I don't want to grow up. Truly I don't. I miss you.

I know it was my decision not to have any sessions this week to try and give myself some space to think everything through. But yeah, I’m regretting that now. Another 6 days before I can potentially see you again if I decide to continue and already after only 5 days since I last saw you, it feels like you’re almost a complete stranger.
I’m not sure why I thought cancelling a few sessions would give me clarity. All it’s doing is making me more confused and creating painful emotions around abandonment. Even though I chose this. Will my brain ever be normal? I’m tired T. I’m not sure how I keep on going.

How are you feeling about Sunday? My mood swings like a pendulum between excitement and fear, but I’m going no matter how I feel on the day. Just hope my satnav behaves itself!

I really needed you last night and/or this morning. But in the end, we're all alone, right? I need a break from life! I'm tired of being used, abused, and looked over. Go away L! Just let me go.

Okay, so I don't really want you to go away. I just feel hurt that you weren't there for me when I really needed you.

Dear T,
First, I do appreciate your supportive response this morning.

Been home for less than 5 hours now, and I wish I could have just stayed at the beach....Things have not been going so well since I've been home. I know much of it is due to a poorly timed insurance letter about H's surgery. But there's been yelling (H), crying (D). I want to be back on the couch at the condo, enjoying the quiet, feeling I can just...breathe. Even if it is a bit lonely....(perhaps I could bring the pigs?)

Glad we'll still be talking Friday (presumably in person), but sad you'll be away for most of next week. It helps that you seem to genuinely feel bad about being away and that you were welcoming to the idea of my planning to email you (rather than trying not to). And that you even offered to contact R (I suppose I should have told you in the email that I decided against that). I mean, I still wish you weren't going away, but your support and caring make it more tolerable.

Love,
LT

Dear T- Thank you for taking a different approach in talking about my grief. I felt more understood tonight. No less painful, though.

Yeah... I see I've been kinda burying some of the feels from December. My poems keep reflecting that. It sucks, in one sense, to be feeling these feels again but at the same time, it's good, because I am doing something constructive with them instead of eating them. Well, that's a little untruth. I ate them earlier today when I was working because, well, I had to keep working, and because there are reeses minis in the house. At least I ate only 6 of them. It could have been worse. I'm staying out of the kitchen this evening and instead sitting at my computer and trying to write more. And I need to crochet some more of those little worry worms or wishing worms or whatever they are called. I think I like calling them wishing worms.

I'm going to be calling you again sooner rather than later, aren't I.

I'm thinking of asking if we could do every other session virtual. I feel like that would be more productive then 4 in person sessions. I've come to realize the issue was never the telesessions themselves but my old therapist and my move. She was actually right. Telesessions are much deeper and intense.

R= Took me an while to get here, but I'm finally glad it's over.

Lemon i hope your cousin gets better. Im so sorry.

Yeah I know we don't email each other. But I am desperate for a second session this week. I don't rely on you much. Normally I'm fine on my own between sessions. So I don't know whats going on right now. I don't know if its just the lack of sleep I've been getting lately or the getting back on my meds. But my anxiety is crazy high right now and I didn't know what else to do. So sorry if that email pissed you off.