Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T,

See you tomorrow.

Me.

I'm worried the 'fuel shortage' (aka people being idiots) might impact our session on Thursday. I hope not. I really hope not.

looking forward to seeing you tomorrow!!

Felt bad after I left today, but really it’s nothing to do with you, it’s the reality of my life at present I’m having trouble facing. Everything just feels catastrophic for me right now, that I’ll fail and be hurt even worse than before we (me/siblings) got to this point. I’m not even sure if I’m being realistic or the scared, needy child is running things and can’t see the wood for the trees.
If crystal balls had a real function, I could just look and find out. The results might be appalling, but at least I’d know.

I don't feel guilty that I didn't send you a "Happy birthday" message or a gift like I previously thought about doing.

Emailed New T for session slot time. Therapy every other week works better for me.

Therapy with you was like a drug, and you took it away without the proper withdrawal process.

How ****ed up is it that I've been considering taking up cocaine or meth to lose weight?

I'm wondering if I'll feel disgusted with myself these next 3 months. If my hormones will change that fast. I know before when I was switching around birth controls my hormones were messed up for a day or so and I'd get feelings for people that would go away once I got used to the birth control. It wasn't until I got on the testerone that my hormones just exploded nonstop for 2 years

But I'm wondering if now being off them will kill my sex drive and everything I feel about you. Not that there honestly is much there. You have put in such strong boundaries its difficult for me to like you in that way since I don't really know you besides a therapist.

Here is a meme for you for today.

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I miss him. I tried having hope today, I did. Then the lady called to tell me she maybe saw him a few days ago. And that her cat escaped and then died. WTF. I knew she meant well, but it all went downhill after that. Another phone call, ran over to the next street, only to find a cat that looks just like him, without the white nose. I am devastated. I can't keep doing this.

Dear T,

10 minutes to go. It's written out. What will I do? I am coming close to the point where it's get on and tell you, or give up on the idea completely. Otherwise I'm just wasting my time and my money. I just have absolutely no idea who you are, and you have very little idea who I am. How am I supposed to do this when I can't even bring myself to look at you, to see who you are?

I genuinely have no idea how this is going to play out. I'm just tired. I'm tired of carrying it all. I'm tired of trying to let it out. I'm tired of having K in my head all the time and I'm tired of living this life.

Well that went about as well as could be expected. The world didn't end. You didn't kill me. Nothing has changed outside just yet. I guess in a strange way it's still hidden, because you can't tell anyone else I know because you don't know them. So nothing is broken there yet. I just wish I could have looked at you. Maybe that's next week's mission.

I am actually insanely proud of myself right now. But I stand by what I said... They may not be able to hurt me in the here and now, in the room, but you can!

Hey L. I really must get over this thinking about you so often. At least it's not painful, I'm grateful for that, but why do I keep doing it at all?!

Come back, please.

Well is tomorrow ok or not?! God you infuriate me.

I do not think you will offer much reassurance about whats going on since you are most likely scared yourself. But you are probably pretty curious about what went on last week with the doctors. And I am hoping you'll be able to give me a lot of support with that. Since current events are not your area.

Also I don't think I have to avoid those 2 stores I used to go to because of my transfernence T. Yeah those 2 particular brands of candy and that specifc kind of tea were because of her but I don't think those stores in general were because of her. If I legit got joy out of going to them then why should I stop? Isnt that technically still letting her control me?

Also I hope you don't get concerned over my 4 pound weight loss since we met last week. I can't control how fast I lose plus some of those days last week I was not feeling well. But I plan on wearing shorts and I know my body shape changes quite a bit when I have shorts on so my weight loss may be pretty noticeable. Just please don't mention my legs the way that one therapist did. I am aware my legs are super hairy. I don't need to be reminded.

And I will not have the hat on either. So just be cool with the comments. I feel good about the way I look at the moment.

Bad night, T. I want this pain to go away.

Thank you, T. A simple “I hear you, and “I am so sorry” hit me in the feels. I mean, i’ve been crying on and off all night, but still.

I hope one day i’ll be able to tell you how much i appreciate all that you are doing.

Dear T,

Weird dreams again when I slept. At least they weren't full blown nightmares, but people were still dying and I was still being hunted. I do hope this isn't the start again. I always hope this isn't the start when I have bad dreams. That was awful. I don't think I told you about them yet, but God I hope I don't have to go down that road again.

Well, that's two out of two please go away. I can only think that this is just one more indicator that there is still indeed work to be done here.

I can get why the question I asked was not that appropriate. Especially with the conversation we were having. but I don't think you needed to snap at me that way. But It was about 20 hours since I had eaten a legit meal so I was kinda not thinking clearly when I asked it. I've eaten now though but I am still kinda bummed you talked to me in that tone. Before you'd always brush off my questions. And I only remember asking a couple but I get why this question was diffrent.

To old T: I know I never really said goodbye to you, I just kinda cancelled our session and left a message saying I'm moving to a different region temporarily. You never really helped me, but I will say without you I would probably have more IEA's under my belt and would be still on a CD.

To new T: I'm not going to jump into things quickly. I will be guarded and keep things impersonal for a long time just to give you a heads up. Please be patient with me. I've had a lot of hurt.

Dear T: Maybe you could just tell me what you want from me. Thanks. Kit.

Dear Pdoc: Please hear me today Thanks. Kit