Feeling guilty talking about family in therapy

Hi all,

I hope you are doing well. I have had a challenging week, due in large part to a family member's health crisis at the weekend. During the course of discussing it with R today, it occurred to me that I haven't really talked about family much in the 5 years we've been working together.


I soon realised that I felt quite guilty bringing that into the therapy space.

Am I the only one who feels guilty talking about family in therapy?

If not - how do you handle it?

Thanks,

Lost

Why do you feel guilty?

I rarely talk about my family unless they or their problems are really affecting me or if we are dealing with past traumas. I don't really feel guilty about talking about them, but I do try to keep them out of my therapy space as much as possible. It's my space and I don't want to share it with them.

My family knows I don't talk much about them. They find it disappointing and reassuring. They fear that if I do talk about them it will be because of something bad. Yet if I don't talk about them, then they think they're not important.

Even though I don't often talk about them, L does know a lot about them mostly from my weekly update email.

The main thing I actually feel a little guilty for is the opposite. I feel guilty that I am closer to L than I am my own family. She is more important to me than they are. I don't love my family any less, but L is a priority to me.

I feel as though I only ever talk about certain family members negatively. However, they only tend to pick up the phone to deliver bad news, so...that's hard.

I have a hard time talking about family members in therapy. My parents for example are not the same people that they were when they were raising me. So it feels wrong to talk about the past with them because that is not who they are now. My current therapist and I tend to keep the talk on the present and she thinks my parents are a tremendous support (which generally they are just not about SH stuff) but I wonder what she would think if I told her how they were when I was growing up?

HUGS therapy is just plain hard. Kit

Isnt your family the elephant in the room? They are the reason i act and react in the weird ways that i do. I didnt come up with this shyte on my own. I was thwarted, deterred from my true path, blindsided, and gagged.

I just want to find the truth.

For me personally, talking about my past isn't too important. I've already done that for years and have come to terms with my upbringing being traumatic. I can point fingers and place blame, but that does no good. Especially since I still want a relationship with these people. So my therapy focuses mostly on the present and future. We only use the past to connect dots or validate a reason.

As for bringing up family, I don't feel guilty even if what I'm talking about is negative. L is teaching me dialectics, holding the both/and, that people are all devil and all angel, and core-self. I think these are the reasons I don't feel guilty. Because I know and she knows that a person can do bad/negative things and not necessarily be a bad/negative person.

Just my experience though.

I didn't talk about my family in therapy because growing up there were so many secrets and things i couldnt talk about and even though most of my family isn't around anymore it still felt like i couldn't speak about them.

Wow Kit, I feel exactly the same way about my family. They are very different now than when I was growing up. I am slowly (very slowly) realizing that even though my parents are different now, what they did/didn't do when I was young still affects me. I still can't put any "blame" on them.

Thanks, Una.

My family aren't the reason that I initially sought therapy, which is part of what makes it awkward for me.


I feel uncomfortable speaking badly about certain members.

I sometimes feel guilty just because I don't think she has a very supportive family and it makes me feel bad.

I joke sometimes that therapy should be called "Famerapy"

Okay. This is super interesting. I can’t imagine not talking about family. Even if they are putatively not the reason you sought therapy.

I mean… your family? The people who raised you? Your first experiences of attachment? That is the template for who you are, how you relate to and experience the world and everyone you encounter in it, every subsequent relationship and endeavour. How your parents or earliest caregivers cared for you sets the stage for how you feel about yourself, care for yourself and others, endure pain and hardship, your ability to function appropriately with friends, partners, colleagues, bosses, kids etc.

How can you change any of those things if you don’t understand them? This is not about blame. (Or it doesn’t have to be unless that’s what you need right now.) Parents generally do their very best in circumstances where they only have so much control, limited skills and resources and where there are many external factors. It’s about making sense of your world.

Your discomfort in talking about your family is your clue that that’s what you need to be talking about (ie both the discomfort and the family!)

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, FJ. I think knowing that current T has experienced the loss of a parent makes me feel less comfortable discussing it. Also, the T I saw prior to her seemed to completely change the minute I mentioned my father. (As if she was pleased I'd mentioned something she might be able to help with.) I'm not saying that P was disinterested before, but...that was what it felt like.

My fear is that talking about family in therapy might eventually lead to talking to family about family...and I can't imagine a scenario in which that would go well.

I also spend lots of time talking about my family in therapy (and marriage counseling, too), mainly my mom, as she's had a big influence on who I am, my insecurities, anxiety, etc., not just from childhood, but even now. Talking about her has helped Dr. T (and, as a result, me) understand why I react the way I do to some things, have certain fears about relationships, etc. And he's tried to counter/challenge some of the messages she gave me, which has been helpful.

He has suggested talking to my parents about some of these things (even possibly bringing one or both in for a session at some point), but has been understanding and accepting when I've said I'm not sure I'm at a point where I'd want to do that. Or that it might not do any good. Things like that. If that's your concern, from what you've said about your T, I don't think she would push you to do something like that.

As for knowing about her losing a parent, I understand your concern, as H and I worked with a marriage counselor who lost his wife during the time we were seeing him. So I worried at one point that he'd see our problems as petty, like "Well, at least your spouse is still alive!" Or that he'd be upset. But it was OK. I think I talked about those concerns with him at one point, too.

So I'd suggest telling your T your concerns about talking about your family, both about you and about her, and see what she says. And it doesn't mean that once you start talking about them, you have to share *everything* or that you're going to only be able to talk about them. You can share as much or as little as you like. But it could be enlightening to do so.

Thanks, LT. I think it's going to be a question of trust once again - trusting myself to be able to have the conversation, and trusting her to be able to hold it.

Its like going to the Cheesecake Factory and not ordering cheesecake.

Haha...you see, I'd do that.

This is exactly what I wanted to say except FJ already put it so eloquently! I talk about my family quite a bit in therapy, and I don't feel guilty. Really, even though I'm talking about them, it's often more about me and understanding my perspective and reactions because of their influence. I do place blame where blame is due, but I also have a better understanding of my parents' motivations and limitations now, which allows me to understand their choices and failings on a deeper, more human level.

Also, FWIW, my dad died when I was in my early thirties and he was in his late fifties. There are many people in my life (including some significantly older than me) who haven't lost a parent yet, and it doesn't bother me. We're all on different paths, and we all have pain. It doesn't matter if your pain isn't exactly like mine. It seems possible and maybe even likely that your T feels the same way.

Actually, i would too! Ive been trying lately to be less constricted? Buy a bag of chips once in a while, instead of always telling myself, oh i cant do that. I spent the first few years in therapy thinking to myself, oh i cant say that. That t says i used to be silent. My last t said he wanted to meet her!

See… that’s kind of cool. You do you!

My parents used to be one of the main topics…since my dad passed, it’s just been my mum. Yeah, I feel guilty, but frustrated too. I wish I didn’t feel the need to.

I don't think allowing the therapist to think things are different than they are or were makes sense. Giving a skewed or incomplete picture is a waste of time. I really can't imagine not making the therapist aware that the parenting I received had a negative impact. Regardless of how my parents are now. My issues don't make sense without that information. The past may be the past, but I think omission is usually evidence of the continued effect of abuse. It's like going to a dietician and not telling her you had an eating disorder but expecting her to understand why you're 600lbs if you eat healthy in the present.

If you can't talk about your family in therapy, WHERE can you?