Couch 236: NY PS Langston Hughes

Yay! Congrats about the house!

I hope your session goes well, Kit!

Thanks. I felt like I had stuff to say yesterday but now that I am feeling a bit better I forgot all that stuff that I should say. I don't know how it will go. It's Zoom. I hope she has her teeth!!! It's a little disconcerting when she doesn't

My new medication better be amazing. It was supposed to cost me $250 which is like $8.20 per pill but I got a savings card online. THANK GOODNESS! I hope it doesn't make me gain weight. It's supposed to be more weight neutral than Olanzapine.

Taking a trip to my hometown. Made plans to meet ex-T (only ex-T because I moved across the country) at a coffee shop on Monday. I'll be happy to see her.

I didn't even want to know. I actually met some of her other clients, including my friend, and they did not stay long.

So Dr. T did end up sharing with me today that he's flying (with a layover each way) for his trip Thurs.-Sun and told me the precautions he'd be taking, like wearing an N95 mask in the airports and planes and not eating or drinking there. And that he'd take his usual precautions at his destination (with a bit of joking about it that I won't go into here as it might come across oddly). Also that he'd test a couple times after he returned. I said I'd opt for virtual Monday and likely Wednesday--I'd be OK with in-person Friday, I think.

He said he hadn't considered that with meeting in person, I meet feel uncertain about an in-person session without having any sense of what he was doing. But he said I had a good point. I said how if he said he was just going to drive to a cabin in the woods and camp there, I'd have been fine with seeing him in person Monday. And I said I appreciated his being honest about what he's doing. (If he hadn't been willing to share, I'd have just opted to do virtual a couple days as a precaution.)

I know some T's have been meeting in person all along, so maybe this seems odd, but both he and I are especially cautious. We also meet without masks (and he doesn't want to meet with them), so it's not like we'd have that layer of protection. And he said this is the first flight he's taken since the pandemic started. Plus he returned sick from a trip in September, though it turned out to not be Covid.

I've been feeling really dissociated since I started taking the Lybalvi (yesterday). I was dissociated all the way through my T session. I feel tired and my eyes feel dry because I think I am not blinking. And my mouth gets dry. I guess these are the side effects!

T said she could tell I was dissociated. I don't know if she was lying because she only said that after I told her I was dissociated at the end of session. She also said she can clearly see I have OCD...great another label. That's all I need.

I would not be able to handle that level of caution myself. I would consider it excessive as a general approach to life without more. But as I already think therapists are batshit - this is just more fodder to strengthen my beliefs.

Hugs, Kit. I think sometimes T's don't want to say that they observed something until a client says it? Because what if you didn't think you were dissociated, and she mentioned that she felt you were? That might be uncomfortable or upsetting for you.


I'm thinking of one time that I told Dr. T that I felt particularly detached from the session, right before he was going out of town. He told me how he generally felt really engaged in talking to me, but that session, he kept looking at his watch and felt bored. He'd thought it was him, that he was hungry or tired, so didn't want to say anything. As it could have offended me (and then I'd start worrying about boring him). But only said something when I mentioned it.

Maybe. I don't know. If T's never give an observation, how are the clients supposed to know what the actual feeling is? I only know what I am feeling is dissociation because another therapist figured out what was happening and would say something like, "I have a hunch you are dissociated right now. Can you tell me what is going on in your body and your thoughts?" But maybe this T didn't know that I knew was dissociation was. Maybe I am just being critical (probably) or we don't have enough trust built up yet, but I just feel like she came off as phoney by saying she knew I was dissociated. I think I do usually engage with her more and I was definitely stand off-ish. But we were also not talking about the elephant in the room which was her ridiculous text with the bribe on it. I don't know if that was on her mind but I was like, "Please don't bring it up. Please don't bring it up. Please don't bring it up." ETC.

Thanks for your example though, that helped.

Why didn't you want to bring it up if it was the elephant in the room?

I'm an avoider. All the way, baby.

I think I get what she was doing. Trying to do something outrageous to get me to contract for a week, but I wasn't up for contracting and money things are weird with T's. It's weird enough I pay her by Zelle. It's weird enough that she talked about a different T bribing her daughter at one point and how she thought it was unethical and yet she was willing to do the same thing? Kind of strange. I just want to ignore the parts of her that are weird, strange, odd, or off putting and clasp my fingers together and hope she has the magic to put me together again.

I didn't think she was literally trying to bribe you. I thought it was just an example, a thought experiment, a "what if?" type of thing.

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This is how I took it as well. There was a "what if" in there, iirc, which to me means a hypothetical.

I'm a fan of psychoeducation because I spent years not knowing I dissociate.

I'm not at all fond of therapists / psychiatrists possibly gatekeeping information based on their personal judgment, so I do ask my professionals why they think X would help or wouldn't, and expect thoughtful answers. Some of my friends meet professionals who clearly feel threatened by knowledgeable patients.

Judith Herman’s wish that survivors empower themselves with information that can help set them free ... goes beyond survivors or those with mental health issues of course. Pretty much every medical (Western or Eastern) thing, in my view.

Thank you MobiusPsyche and atisketatasket.

Perhaps she did mean it hypothetically. We will never know because I will never ask. I hadn't thought of that as a possibility. I usually take people at what they say for face value. Part of my dx I guess.

She has told me in the past to "hit her up" when I am fundraising for my charity. I thought that was weird too. Just because she is a T and money complicates relationships. Not that I didn't shamefully outright ask everyone I knew IRL the last time I was fundraising but it worked. I made my goal. I raised the funds to build a home in Haiti that had been destroyed by the earthquake. And a little extra. But I didn't ask her. At the time I barely knew her, and it just seemed like it could open too many boundary doors.

I don't know. Maybe I am just weird! A big weirdo. That's me. At least, that is how I feel sometimes. It may not be an accurate representation of the self that I present to the world. But ah, does one have imposter syndrome? I think I do sometimes.

Kit, I'd feel weird asking my T for a charitable donation as well. I was at one point a board member of a local public health organization and thought about asking if he'd become a member (part of a membership drive, so fundraising basically), but wasn't sure if that might be inappropriate. So I didn't.


So I don't think that makes you weird!

LT, did Dr. T agree to the experiment about telling you where he is going this weekend?

Last Info fashion report. Silver lame ballet flats. Dusky rose culottes with drawstring calves. Duskier rose sleeveless turtleneck sweater with bling diamonds embroidered on the front.

It was fine. We managed to avoid the stereotypical “review of our work together.” She wrote me a card, in which she managed to avoid the usual therapist claptrap except a reference to my journey and my being a hero. Then there were a couple little cards inside that she wrote quotes to inspire on. All the cards, big and small, had cats on the front.

Poor Info, for about 15 seconds after I left I felt weepy, then it was: “oh, hey, all done!” Nothing in her life became her like her leaving of mine.

Awe. Last ever Info fashion report.

Glad you feel okay @@

I'm so glad she wrote you the card and avoided the stuff you didn't want.

Sounds like quite the outfit! "Duskier Rose" sounds like the title of a book, poem, or song.

Glad the session went well, that she gave you a parting item that you feel content about, and that you don't feel particularly emotional.

So, when I mentioned the experiment to him yesterday, he...didn't remember the conversation. So he said, "I'd need to consider it as if it was something new." Which...sigh... I should have brought it up Monday like I'd intended, so he'd have had time to think about it. It's frustrating when there's something that feels like a big deal to me that he's completely forgotten about.

I think he mostly told me about the flights because I said I wasn't sure what his exposure might be in terms of meeting in person next week. I still appreciated his sharing, including that he was stuck in the middle seat for one of them due to the flight changing, and how that meant it was a full flight.

When I was leaving, I said, "I assume it's within the US?" and he said yes. (It's 4 days, so I didn't think he'd be flying to Europe, but he could have been going to, say, Jamaica or Canada). He didn't hesitate in replying. Was a bit awkward because I was standing in the hallway during the departure to try to maintain something close to 6 feet of distance. He did say "I'll see you Monday" (virtual by my choice) and gave me a "take care."