Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T. Well. I hope you are up for this week's challenge. xoxo Kit

Aww, E. I wish I didn't freak out so easily. I hope I can tell you all this tomorrow.

hugs Lostislost

I hate that about therapy too. I feel like nobody in my ''real life'' would understand it at all. They either think therapy is terrible for me or - some of them in ''real life'' just don't care much about anything other than **** (or so it feels)

Hi R,

I hope you don't mind me sharing the poem I discovered recently.
It's strange that this poem soothes me in a way that David's work doesn't quite reach.
There are points at which I feel my shoulders drop, and that is such a relief.

See you Thursday,

Lost

I feel a lot better by getting myself on a legit schedule with my meds. The food stuff is still an issue though because of the ones that make me not hungry. But at least my anxiety is down so I hope you are happy with that. You just seem kinda strict with food and weight the way my transference T was.

I don't know if you noticed I wore basically the same outfit to both our sessions. The same shirt, dark blue jeans, and the same shoes. I like how you don't comment on my appearance so I don't feel the need to dress to impress. Although I probably won't wear it again at our next session.

I heard a quote a few weeks ago...I can't remember who said it and Google isn't forthcoming.

'Grief isn't a bug, it's a feature.'

I wish it wasn't such a feature in my life, though. Two dear friends in two years...

I've made huge progress with my anxiety. My eating issues seem to keep going downhill though. I've lost a couple pounds since we last met and I bought a couple packages of jelly beans today which is for sure disordered behavior. I just feel a lot better now that my anxiety is better so I want to stay in control of everything else.

I don't want you to give up on me though. But I feel like I should be able to do what I want to without pissing off a bunch of people. But I get that people are concerned

Dear T,
I hate how affected I am by this. But it's not just today--it's the whole schedule for the next 6 weeks (OK, one week of that is on me, but the rest is you). Is this just how it's going to be from now on? Are you making up for lost pandemic time and going to take off a week a month? And throw in a few random virtual sessions a month, too? As much as I like in person, it was easier in way knowing what to expect with all virtual, plus little travel. This feels sort of like the worst of both worlds in a sense (pandemic and prepandemic)--lots of travel but also the random virtual ones. And not knowing why--maybe if you explained, it would be easier for me to deal with?

Love,
LT

So the break begins. I'm already hurting. I'm going to miss you so much.

Dear T. I love you. Kit

Just ignore that email. It was stupid. Why did you begin that chain anyways.

Dear E: I can not believe I actually emailed and told you about my anxiety at not getting a response from your email. OMG. Now I get to wait anxiously all over again! lol.

I know people don't respond to these so I hope my reply is ok. I did the same thing this morning and she hasn't replied I'm worried she's pissed at me for emailing her and I am holding myself back from emailing her again asking if shes mad at me.

Well that was anticlimatic. You just sent a very long detailed response thanking me for emailing you and you really got into my email and you gave me a lot of feedback and suggestions and said you were proud of me for getting out of the house yesterday and at the end you said to continue to keep you updated.

Dear T,
Still feeling OK about today's discussion. It felt like we were really being honest with each other. Not defensive, attacking, anything like that. Just...honest. And that we both truly wanted to understand the other. It feels like you do genuinely value our relationship--that came through today. And maybe that's really my biggest takeaway. Along with your saying you would let me know if something going on in your outside life had even a 10% chance of affecting our work together going forward. That you might not be specific, but you'd at least let me know something was out there like that.

I mean, thoughts subject to change between now and Thursday! Or now and, say, 2 hours from now. But it just felt, I don't know, real today. Two humans talking about their relationship. Who happen to be therapist and client.

Be safe in the storms.
Love,
LT

You told me to call you if I was still sick and cancel. I did that yesterday. Why did you call me today right before session time? Do you not believe me? Were you hoping I would change my mind? I am confused and now I feel guilty. I am better, not deathly ill but hey it's still covid and the more I talk the more I cough. I can't talk right now. I am trying to get better.

Maybe I should trying checking the facts and give you the benefit of the doubt that you were just trying to check in as a nice thing to do. I will try to let it go. I really can't afford to have any more distractions in my head this week though. Work is bad news right now.

Enjoy your time off. I will see you in a couple of Thursdays. Hopefully I will have a new job by then.

So, given...everything, it seems we're going to be having quite a different conversation on Thursday.

How can one person carry this much loss?

I honestly don't know how it's possible to feel so loved and so out of place in the same moment.

Aww, I feel your pain, MD. I got a response back today from her, apologizing that her delay in response caused me distress. I feel less ashamed now. Still am, but a tiny less.

Wow, I feel weird because I was jumping all over the place in session today. I haven't done that in 3 years. I'm always so controlled, I guess. Maybe the bizarre book wasn't the worst idea, after all. It made me feel out of control and more genuine. I'm glad we're meeting again the day after tomorrow. I'll try to be more controlled, haha. Maybe not!

Dear T,
I want to write something positive to you about session today, but I have learned that writing after a concert is bad. So maybe I'll write something up in the morning or later tomorrow. Or just tell you Thursday. It's positive stuff. I just don't want it to come too glowy or anything. I do still feel OK about our session. Either this is a really delayed grenade or...maybe it's just, in fact, OK?

Love,
LT

I can't do this anymore. I have had enough. I am tired and I am at the end of the line. I physically and emotionally feel like I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I am so tired of fighting, wrestling with myself, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get past it and it doesn't seem like you have any idea either. K and I never managed and I don't think we will be able to either.

I walked away from today and the first thing I did in the car is cry. Tired tears. Frustrated tears. Hopeless tears.

This is unachievable. This is impossible. I should just give up.

Oh, and please stop trying to convince yourself that we are making progress. I can only imagine that you ar doing it to try and stop yourself from feeling like an awful therapist, but it's annoying and I wish you wouldn't do it.

Sitting here still, in the car, feeling unable to move, just thinking. I still do wonder whether the only way we are actually going to be able to move past this is to find a way to reach that part of me. To actually reach inside and communicate directly with it/her. Almost to bypass me?? I don't know, but it feels like the relationship between the two parts of me has broken down irreparably, sadly. In outside relationships we accept that this can happen, and we accept that we need to move on, to physically and emotionally separate, but internally this separation leads to problems of its own, doesn't it. What is the answer then? Do I stay and 'fight' or do I accept what is and walk away?