Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

hugs, waterbear.

Arrggghhhh why can’t I just say what is in my head? What can’t I ask for what I need? Why have I made no improvement with this in a year? You just don’t get it. You don’t understand how intolerably painful the risk of rejection feels. You don’t get how painful this transference is. You don’t get that I can’t see how this all gets better. I’m so tired of getting nowhere. I’m tired of therapeutic relationships becoming just as painful as the reasons I am in therapy. I think I need to walk away. But my infant parts are too attached and won’t let go. How does this ever get any better?
Oh and thanks for saying the year we have been working together has been ‘challenging.’ Great to know how you feel about me.

Dear T,
Why do Friday sessions always seem to end in a weird place? Sigh. I am trying really hard to stay with what I said at the end, how I know your mentioning medication is because you want to help me. Not to help you. It occurred to me on the drive home how I bet this is coming from my parents, where they tried to make me take anxiety meds when I didn't want to because they were tired of dealing with my anxiety. I'll mention that Monday.

I do really appreciate your actually saying out loud, "You're not too much for me." I can try to tell myself that, and I know I should realize that at this point. But it still helped to hear you say the words. I think you realized that, and it's why you said it.

I'm trying to figure out how I feel about your saying you don't think I've actually had true depression since seeing you, that it all stems from my anxiety, or was situational, like with the pandemic. Part of it feels like you're minimizing things, being invalidating in a way like my parents. Or do you have a point? As someone who sees depressed clients, maybe I just present differently? I did find it interesting that you said how my anxiety hits more areas than probably any other client you've had. Not necessarily in severity, but in breadth. That *did* feel validating. Plus your listing fear of abandonment among all the other things, even though, like you said, not a DSM diagnosis.

Maybe I will contact Dr. S on Monday. Doubt I'll be able to see her for a bit, and unsure if I'm even still formally a patient. But perhaps it could be worth trying again? I really do believe that you just want to help me struggle less. Not make it easier for you. That's progress, right?

Ugh, now I have to go to my GP in 2 hours. Wish the appointments had been in opposite order....but glad I'll see you Monday morning before heading out of town.

Love,
LT

PS--The real UGH is to the news....

Dear T: Aw, It’s so sweet you are letting me keep your pillow! Except what am I going to do when we return to in-person appt’s? I guess I better make sure you get a new pillow.

LT-With you on the news…

Four more sleeps.
I don't know what being brave means in this situation.

Well that session certainly worked out well. Especially since I emailed you 15 minutes after asking you to explain some things you said at the end that I didn't understand so I wouldn't be freaked out all weekend that I did something wrong. But I'm glad we got our times moved back to the AM since this mid afternoon time slot doesn't work out for me physically or emotionally.

Hey L, yes, it was!

Hey T, I want to give up.

E: C-PTSD?!

This might be worse than the word “trauma”

Dear T,
GP appointment went OK! Apparently my BP was OK, even though charts online show it as hypertension, but right on the border. EKG was good, which was a relief. She also was totally fine with my doing the bloodwork later--and added a couple tests related to the migraines, so she seems to be taking me seriously. But also fairly chill about things, like just do the colonoscopy at some point, and eventually I should get a tetanus shot.

Though then I was in a very minor car accident in the parking lot--so thankful we both agree to just let it go. Does my car maybe have a slight dent in the side? Maybe--I need to look more closely later. Seemed to be mostly just be paint that can easily be wiped off. But I feel we were probably equally at fault, and I really didn't want to get insurance or--worse--police involved. It was really just a light tap. But I immediately went into panic mode, like, "well, now I've screwed up...." But it was OK.

But I can manage it right now, like I don't need to email. I mean...yeah, I kinda wish I could talk to you before Monday. But at least for right now, it's OK that I'm not talking to you until then.

Love,
LT

I so want to talk to you for reals and not just in my head.

But I don't know what you would say if I were to ask.

Today is a sad day.

Having done the right thing should be a release, but it doesn't seem to work that way.
I really need a break from saving the world to look after myself.

Hey Velcro, if it helps, my CPTSD dx was a shock to me too when I got it.

So I did a little work with that dream this morning, the one where the male t had me draw a circle. I went back into the dream and re-drew a circle and asked him to tell me why he wanted me to. He told me to think about circles, what they mean, what they represent. I said well, they represent wholeness, "what goes around comes around", beginning and endings? Or maybe you're suggesting there's something I need to 'circle back' to? And he goes "aha" in that annoying way that t's have of doing.

Me too! And then the more I read about it and talked about it with my T, the more I was like, "Oh. Yeah, okay, I can kind of see that..."

I told you you didn't have to reply to that email so I figured you most likely wouldn't and I honestly have a lot of other things to worry about today besides you.

Thanks guys. She gave me Pete Walker’s book to read, “From surviving to thriving.” I don’t know what to make of it. I’ve only been able to read a little at a time.

I opened my Kindle app last night, and the book is still there.
This time it's actually in the Quick Reads section.
You would think, since I've complained about it, that they would make sure I didn't see it again.

I don't want to give Amazon any more of my money, but I also want to be able to read the books I've bought in the past without being confronted by that dangerous content.

Two things need to come out of this - a customer side 'Not interested' button, and parity in Amazon's product policies.

They should not have something like that on the site, but I'm told it's under control and will be dealt with imminently. Just sucks that I apparently can't read my books in the meantime.

I’ve just seen a very judgemental and not very nice comment you have made about a fat person on social media. This makes me feel so unsafe. Just as I was beginning to think that I may at some point be able to talk to you about my unhealthy relationship with food and overeating and body image, I see that. And yes I know it’s my own fault for looking at your social media, particularly as you have no idea I know your account. But still, it gives me a sense of who you truly are.
Do you judge what I look like too? Let’s face it, I am fat so I guess you probably do 😔 You’re probably secretly disgusted by me.

You said " I know Mountain Dew is your thing." It reminded me of the part from the movie Mean Girls where Janice Ians says "Everybody in the English speaking world knows that song"

Everyone who knows me knows about my obsession with Mountain Dew. I've had it since 2006. Still a size 32 though.

I thought I was at my limit last week with the book debacle.
The powerless place is actually a worse place to be.
I've made as much noise as I possibly can, and hopefully reached the right people.
This does not change anything about the basic situation I am facing.

Having it repeatedly shoved in my face is a sick joke.

I want to go back to my old therapy office. I know my transference T won't take me back. But I don't think things are going good between us. I'm trying but you are a distraction and I have a hard time being honest about the things that bother me. I seem to just be unloading on you each week about various health and food issues. Like are we really making progress at all? Especially after last weeks session?

I don't want to ask what you think about the current events. Because I don't know if I'd be able to see past that. But like I have legit fears about whats going on, but what if your the opposite... I literally told anyone to get the **** off my friends list who were for it. Like what would we do if we disagreed? You are ok with trans people and you don't support that man. But I just don't know about this one.

Dear T,
I felt caring from you today, in your reaction to my EKG being OK at my physical, saying you'd been concerned about my heart rate earlier in the year (even though that's improved, plus I got checked out then). And your concern that I'd look back to check on the guinea pigs during my drive and be in a serious accident. It makes me feel cared for, even loved by you, even though you'd never use that word.

Thanks also for offering Sunday with your weird schedule next week, plus being out the week after.

Also, I'm still kinda laughing about the "perfect compromise" comment! I think that laugh released something in me, as I feel lighter. So, thanks, even though I don't know you realized how funny I'd find it!

Love,
LT