Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Ok. Freaking out a smidge. I am going to be SO anxious when I see you Friday. I really, really hope I didn't eff things up because I am too needy. That is one of my biggest fear, is running people off if I am too needy. Though I know this is a different type of relationship than a friendship or a romantic relationship, but UGGGHHHH. I hate me.

Wow, I haven't had a dream like that in a long time. I know that will never happen K, but it's obviously what a part of my heart desires. To be fully embraced as a part of the family, your family. It was so good to see you again, even if only in my dream. God it felt real. Maybe the first part will in some way become a reality one day, I can still hope for that, but the rest will live as a fantasy inside of me. Honoured by me. Respected by me, Loved by me. Holding that sweet sweet baby close to my chest with you stood next to me was one of the most magical (if totally unrealistic) things ever.

I'm sorry if I end up getting you sick. My mom should have told me she was sick. I still feel ok besides some odd feeling in my throat. I'm not sure if you need to even be told any of this.

So grateful, L. SO grateful. For so much. Right now, mostly for letting me get to the leaving place on my own (extremely slow!) time and never trying to force it on me. Yeah it would have cost me a lot less $, but.... emotionally it would have been even more expensive had you been the one to kick me out instead. So I thank you. We will talk again someday.


I think.

FREAKING OUT NOW. I am going to be so anxious all day tomorrow. I’m terrified of “the talk” we probably will have to have.

Floundering today.

I may have the right to be angry, but that doesn't mean it feels OK.

First Easter season without Steve has been surprisingly hard.

Freaking out more. 24 hours is so far away. help me be okay.

When you've done something, or lived through it, enough times...you would think you'd get used to it.

Sometimes I have this fantasy of just lying in bed with you. Just next to you. Nothing intimate at all. No touching or anything. No sleeping or anything either. Just us lying facing each other. Sometimes we talk. Other times we don't. I don't know why I have this feeling sometimes. I don't recall having it about anyone else even about transference T. I never did my telesessions in my bed though when I was seeing her. To me that was crossing boundaries. She could not see my bed ever. You are different.

I don't know. Maybe I really am just confused.

Dear T, Thank you for being patient with me and helpful. I honesty feel like im making some progress again and putting effort into my healing again. Hugs Cheryl

Not important enough.

E: Thank you. I'm sorry I am so crazy.

I wanted to tell you about the Toko-Pa lecture tonight but I didn't want to bother you again. I LOVE LOVE LOVED it!!! So much. Now I want to read her book all over again. And probably all of the ones that they send out in the reading list. I took 6 pages front and back of notes!! It was awesome and she is amazing and I can't wait to sleep and dream tonight!!!!

T: I know I've been going through a lot of anxiety issues with E lately, but it matters to me that you wrote me back and checked in on me on your vacation. I really didn't expect you to write back. So, thank you for that.

I know you asked me why does it matter if people like me or not. I don't know. I guess I just don't like it when people are obvious about it. I have no idea if you like me or not. It doesn't bother me most of the time since you arent obvious about it one way or the other. But I get confused about you sometimes and its not something I can easily bring up. My hormones are changing but we arent meeting next week so hopefully things calm down by the time we do meet.

Dear T,

Just to let you know that I'll be emailing you tomorrow if I haven't heard from you by 10am, which I doubt I will have because it is Sunday. Bit I would like to know if we are good to go ahead or not. Just trying to avoid the last minute thing because I know change takes me time to process.

National Poetry Month came at a very good time. I've been doing some good work through my writing. Maybe someday I'll send you a link to my poetry blog.

Dear T,

Thank you. Glad I emailed. See you Tuesday!

Two more sleeps.

When it doesn't feel safe to feel, I study the feelings that I'm having.

I think I'm going to do something not too good that I've done before that therapists don't like. But you know that song by the Fray How To Save A Life and the part that goes "he will do one of two things he will admit to everything."? Thats how I feel sometimes.

I was actually kinda taken aback the other day when you said ice skating is not both a female and a male sport. Um, Johnny Weir, Tonya Harding? Charlie White and Meryl Davis? I honestly thought you were being a bit stupid to be honest.

Plus arent all sports male and female these days? What kinda crackhead century do you live in. And you call yourself an ally. I don't know. Maybe you honestly are just not that bright.

My art journal came back out today, ahead of our Tuesday session. I wonder if you realise that the process is just as important as the end result. Interesting words laid down as I allowed myself to scribble next to the painting...
"There's still this big ball of hot, fiery anger inside of me that must be kept hidden at all costs. It cannot be seen, heard or felt, even by me, because the consequences of that are unthinkable. If it becomes uncontained it will destroy everything in its path. Everything that I have worked so hard and spent so long trying to build. It must be suppressed. It must be ignored. It must not be allowed to escape"

Are you going to fire me if I do that thing I know I shouldnt be doing.

Today is frigging rough. I am downright hungry and its making me extremely hangry and incredibly frustrating to deal with. My transference therapist would be like "nows the time you need to say eff the diet and focus on your mental health" I don't really know what you would say. But I've been pushing carbs and protein all day and following our food log so its not like I'm doing anything wrong. I'm just super hungry today.

See you in the morning. I hope that I will be able to handle this