Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Thanks, Lost! And OK to reply here. He's done better with feelings lately (since the pandemic), so this threw me off. I assume you're referring to the "Since you're already crying" part?

Exactly.

It really hit me upside the head this morning, L. That no one else can do this part of the work for me. Not even you. It has to be me. I guess that's the hidden reason behind why I had to leave. Because I was trying to make you do it for me.


And, because it can only be me, that must mean that I am capable of it. And there's power in that, baby. Now I just gotta grab onto that power, roll up my sleeves, and dig in. These audio recordings I am listening to are very helpful on the subject. There's a page of questions I downloaded too that I will be working through answering. Haven't started on those just yet. And I have a couple of books I just got recently that I want to read/work through too. Plus the dreamwork summit starts today!! egads I have a lot to keep me busy in my non-working hours.

I do miss you/us.

I'm listening to Robert's "Active Dreaming for Time Travel in the Multiverse" and loving every second of it. He is fabulous and I really need to figure out how to attend one of his weekend things.

It looks like we'll actually be meeting in person tommorow. I feel up to it and you haven't emailed me saying your switching to virtual. You can see how much weight I've lost these last couple weeks so you can hopefully not freak out too much.

I am mortified and humiliated. How can I come back on Friday? I just felt so overwhelmed and got so upset by everything and I then started thinking about how you addressed every part of my email except the bit where I said I was worried that you didn’t believe me about my CSA. And then I just spiralled, sitting there and sobbing and telling myself in my head over and over that because you didn’t address it then it must be true, you don’t believe me. And then I don’t know what happened, the next thing I know I was just running to the toilet to throw up and you could hear everything.
How can I ever come back? I’m just so ashamed.

Dear T/ I am going to miss seeing you tomorrow night, mainly bc my life is a shitshow.

E: I held off on writing to you until after work today I tried the EMDR on myself before I went in, to see if it helps. I feel bad, but I think you are helping more than regular T. I don’t want to quit regular T, but I do find that interesting. Not that i will ever tell either one of you this.

We planned this break poorly.

Yes, I know thankyouverymuch, I am living it.

My bear still smells like he did when he came to sessions with me. Just. I'll be sad when the day comes that he doesn't anymore, because it is a comforting and reassuring smell which reminds me of the middle of our therapy. When things were good. When life was about me, learning and growing. When you were there. Consistently. Showing up in so many different ways. He reminds me of my 'childhood' with you. We did some truly incredible work there and I will always look back on those times so fondly. You gave me an opportunity that I NEVER thought I would have. You gave me an opportunity which I had long since given up hope of having. I wish I had had that for as long as some children have that. Years and years and years, but nevertheless I am so incredibly grateful that I had that at all. I can only imagine that a lot of people live their entire lives never experiencing the love and care and support and guidance and fun and safety that our relationship offered me. I thought I was one of those people, but you changed all of that for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Pretty much crackers of any kind and M&Ms are the two foods I can guarantee won't cause me issues. Anything after that I'm eating because I have to eat. Theres this song I've been listening to that goes "she thinks I'm much too thin she asks me if I'm sick" I don't know if you think I am too thin or think I am sick. I don't know if I am sick. But tommorow will be interesting. Honestly I feel like puking my guts out right now and I haven't even had any solid foods today. I hope you have some sort of suggestion on what to do.

I know we don't normally respond here but that brought tears to my eyes, waterbear. tears in a good way. gave me warm, grateful feelings in my heart for my own experiences with L.

T,

There’s some things related to my trauma I’d like to bring up but since we are doing telehealth sessions and the walls here are thin I’m too afraid my housemates will hear. I’d be mortified if they overheard.

-Butterfly

T,

You set really difficult homework.

Dear T,

I'm sorry for being difficult right now. For wanting to just sit there and not interact in any way. Thank you for agreeing that I could put that letter in your mailbox. It might explain a thing or two or maybe all a bit. Sorry I didn't answer your question yesterday. I don't know how to say things. The worst things, in all directions. They are unspeakable. Thank you for bearing with me. For not pushing. It wouldn't help. I'm glad you seem to see that, too.
I want you to know I called in sick today. I know I said I could work, but I'm not up to it, after all. It just doesn't matter anymore. Like I said, I don't care right now. I don't care about work, about uni, my messed up family, the people in my life, my future, nothing matters. I cry, but I don't feel it.
It's like the Lexapro took away the last feeling I had - fear. I see why they say it can make things worse initially. It's like the fear and the anger kept me going. No worries though, I'll gather up the pieces and mold them back together, like I always do. I screw it up every time, but I guess that's life.

Six more sleeps.

I have many feelings.

I'm trying to decide if eating something will help me be productive in the session or not. Currently I'm hungry so I'm thinking eating will help. But then I always seem to get sick after. But I had a granola bar at 1AM and a brownie midnight Tuesday but the last time I had any solid foods was 1PM Monday and I feel kinda woozy right now and I don't want you sending me to the ER or anything. So I guess I should probably just eat something and deal with whatever happens after.

Now I worry you won't belief my story. Maybe we can discover the truth together? I must say, I have doubts, too, so maybe your persumed doubts are okay.

I'm glad we both agreed that session was deep. Hopefully I can get that piece fixed on my weighted vest like you want me to. I haven't thought much of it, but you asked if I had one and said it might be helpful at work. It is helpful having a therapist who has expierence in autism. I was suprised by how quickly you understood what I was talking about when I mentioned my weighted blankets being a sensory relief tool that kept me out of the hospital. I honestly thought you'd be pretty weirded out.

Dear E: This is it, isn’t it? That email was too much? I knew it. I know I probably should go to Wellness, but work is a major issue.

It's really kind of weird, L. This afternoon I recognized that how I've been feeling is kinda like, I've walked away from my best friend. Even though intellectually of course I know we were never and can never be friends, that's how I feel. It's a sadness I can handle though now that I have identified where it's coming from! That's the weird part. That it's a sadness I can handle now that I've named it. Surprising to me. I've done some really good work in the last few days that I think is what brought me to this point. The poems I've been writing, listening to an online lecture about Shadow work, and also watching different interviews (especially Roberts!) on the dreamwork summit this week have all been very helpful in reaching this point. I miss who you were to me, but it's okay. As I must have said to you at least 50 times I never intended to be in therapy forever - so there was always going to have to be a goodbye at some point! And, of course, I have a version of you in my heart. I also know that I can call you if I decide I want to come back. And I might still. But for now I'm okay.


Thank you for being the you that you were with me.

oh and this james hollis course on Encounters With the Shadow is just fascinating!

I knew it, i’m too much. if you haven’t responded by now, i guess we will have to have “the talk” fri.

Dear T,

I could really do with you coming back to work on Tuesday. I hope you are ok. That Art T that I contacted has confused the living daylights out of me my gut reaction to our communication probably suggests that she isn't the right person to do any of this work with. But I could really do with getting your take on it. And I wonder if you know of anyone else who might be an option. I really do feel like I want to give this a go, but like with all things, it has to feel right. Please get better and be ok for Tuesday.

Dear T,
Wish I could talk to you right now--sad about D. I guess it's good that dinner ultimately ended up happening and that we hung out outside at the house for a bit after. But her opening her gifts was so depressing.... And she initially didn't want to go to dinner, and I really had to push to get her to go. And then her being really upset on the way home, per H. But I'll just talk to you Friday (assuming it doesn't really start hitting me later or something, and then I'd email).

Today's session was really helpful. I'm glad you were understanding of what I talked about from last session. And I really felt the connection with you today, too, which I think I needed. Definitely helped with getting through tonight. And driving to dinner, I even felt good enough to be car dancing to a couple songs. I guess I just need to appreciate those tiny moments of happiness when I can?

Love,
LT

PS: I appreciated the "Take care" today.