Couch 237: Social Rules

Thank you, LT! Your support is invaluable.

HUGS, Kit.

I'm glad you still had a session last night. You are worthy of whatever support you need to make it through this time. I'm relieved to hear that you don't plan to engage in the behaviour again today.

Seeing as you have the Zoom Pro account, could you check in with your T about maybe recording your sessions? That might be a way of getting around not remembering what was discussed.

Failing that, could you jot a few lines on an index card prior to your sessions about what you want to discuss, and then use it as a checklist?

Just thinking out loud - feel free to ignore if it's not helpful.

A few more HUGS to finish.

Today, I got to the office at the same time as Dr. T (like 2 minutes before session time) and nearly closed the elevator door on him by accident. He was wearing one of his very brightly colored Hawaiian shirts for our local pro baseball team, so I guess that caught my eye in time to stop the door closing!

He was carrying some stuff with him and had to take a couple minutes to get settled, so he was a couple minutes late bringing me back. He apologized for it, and said he was running late because he'd been trying to help a baby deer in his neighbor's yard (aw). He said he had to leave before they could really do anything for it. At the end of session, when he looked at his phone to confirm the next appointment, he said, "Oh, the mother deer came back and got the baby!" Me: "Yay!" So it was a nice little ending.

Thanks, Lost. I always dissociate during therapy, even when we aren't going particularly deep. I feel like sometimes we have big insights and then I don't remember them. Even 20 minutes after I don't recall them. I think they must somehow stick with me but I am not sure. I don't know how T would feel about recording them, although I could ask. She did a lot of the talking yesterday, I know that. Which was good because I was overwhelmed. She wasn't taking notes because she dislocated her thumb on her right hand but she said she was taking notes in her head. I think we had a good session and I hope we can come back to the topics. She said she will bring them up. So for now, I guess I just have to rely on her memory! Thank you for the hugs. Hugs back, kit

I don't know where to post this because it doesn't specifically have to do with therapy... So I'm hoping this couch might help.

Why is it worth living? What if you don't have many/any people in your life? What if you have no life (i.e. career, parenting, friends, etc.). I know technically I can only answer this for myself, but I'm curious to know what keeps other people going?

Hehe....thanks for sharing that, LT!

I'm so glad the fawn was OK. (I don't like how long it took me to think of that word, though!)

Sweet of him to give you an update as well.

Yeah, that can be a tough one to answer at times. For me it is my religious beliefs and the knowledge that through my volunteering and charity work that I am making a difference in the world, no matter how small. It's like, if I wasn't there, then maybe that one person's life wouldn't be touched.

Good topic for therapy, I think. HUGS Kit

Thanks Kit.

It will definitely be today's topic in therapy!

It's funny that we both kept saying "baby deer" and neither said "fawn"--maybe it's generally a difficult word to pull!

I'm glad he got the update at the end of session, too. Sometimes it bothers me when he looks at other stuff on his phone, but in this case, it was OK!

He was saying how the, well, fawn, had just looked so pitiful and vulnerable. It was endearing hearing him talk like that, as it shows his more tender side. (I want to be like, "Think of me as a baby deer!")

I wish I could answer that question. Inertia seems to keep me going.

Maybe it's not common knowledge because I don't think I knew this until a few years ago, but deer "stash" their fawns in what they deem safe places for lengths of time while they go off and do deer things. Fawns are spotted for camouflage and are very still and will usually stay where they've been stashed. If you find a fawn alone, the best course of action is to do nothing because mama will come back. Of course if it's been days or if the fawn appears injured or sick, then probably best to call a wildlife place and let the professionals deal with it.

I'm unsure how to answer this. I do feel it's different for everyone. I mean, the obvious answer for me is my daughter, I guess? But I'm thinking of times before that or just in general.

I need something to look forward to. It could be something seemingly really minor, like a new episode of a TV show I watch or a football game. It could be plans to go out to dinner or that we're getting takeout from a place I like over the weekend. Expecting a package from Stitch Fix (clothing box) in the mail. Or bigger plans that are further in the future, like an upcoming concert or vacation (well, vacations tend to be stressful for me, so maybe that's a bad pick!). Everyone has their own thing.

That was something that I really struggled with for the first year or so of the pandemic (then again with delta and early omicron), when either places were actually closed (a couple months here) or I didn't feel safe going to them (I still don't feel safe doing certain things, but that's off topic), and even TV shows and sporting events were shut down for a bit. So many of the things I looked forward to weren't there anymore. And I even said to Dr. T once or twice, "If it keeps being like this, then what's the point?" As in, what's the point of living? I'm not sure he had a good answer for me (I know he was struggling with the pandemic as well).

So, I would say, for me, just having *something* to look forward to, putting it on a calendar. Even if it's, say, a T appointment--OK, those are one of my things on that list, honestly, and it's part of what kept me going through the pandemic, having at least one regular thing on my calendar, even if it was virtual most of the time.

I saw Kit mention volunteering, and I used to be involve in a local public health organization, posting on their Facebook page, helping to support health initiatives, etc. I stepped away from that early in the pandemic because it was too much with having D home from school and trying to do my own actual work. But it's something that I miss.

I wonder if that's something that could help you, to find something to get involved that's a volunteer opportunity? Even if it's doing something virtually. Like I know you love your dogs--possibly something animal-related? There are websites that help match people with opportunities (I was going to mention one, but I think it might be specific to my area--I'll check).

I hope this is in some sort of way helpful....

Oh, this is really interesting. I'll mention that to him in case he sees another one. Perhaps that's what happened here, as the mother did come back. He said he thought maybe the fawn had gotten lost and the mother (doe?) maybe had to tend to another baby (do they have more than one? I feel like I should know this...) and couldn't go look for this one.

I did suggest calling a wildlife place. I actually used to be friends with someone who worked doing wildlife rehab (we lost touch when she moved out of state).

ETA: Also, lol to "do deer things."

I'm glad he wasn't vague again.

*checks phone*
"Ah. Something happened to the fawn."
*puts phone down*
LT:

That reminds me of the time I was driving up to L's house for a session one time and there she was in the middle of the road helping her neighbor wrangle a cow! haha that was so funny.

Hugs, Kit. I'm glad you were able to have a session last night. and that it was helpful. I'm sorry that you don't remember it but I think sometimes it's just that caring presence (even virtual or on the phone) alone that's enough.

Hahaha. Or:

Him [looking at phone]: "Oh no!"
Me: "What? Is it the fawn? Is everything OK?"
Him: "It's nothing."

And thanks.

Oh, I remember that! A cow is funnier than a deer!


And it makes me think of how maybe a year ago I was telling Dr. T how I'd rescued a bird caught under some gardening mesh thing, and he said he'd rescued one similarly the week before (perhaps I need to keep my eye out for deer).

I don't life is worth living in a vacuum. I do not believe there is any intrinsic value in life. But once you are here - then you have to make your own purpose. As adults it can be harder to make friends but not impossible. It takes a willingness to go out and take risks. One can have hobbies. I like to dabble in things myself. Right now - hiking (new body parts so excitement over moving again). I take the dogs to agility and sheepherding, I bike, I cook, I volunteer to sort through donations to the large immigrant population we have flooding in right now, I volunteer at our local barn animal rescue = that sort of thing. I find it fills the day in pleasant ways. Which in my world, for life to be okay, is enough

I'm having a face-palm moment at work today. I don't know why it took me so long to figure this one thing out and I'm feeling really dumb right now. It's so obvious now that I see it.

Im a big fan of inertia. It would take a lot of energy to change direction. Altho frankly at my age i AM heading in "that" direction.

Life wants to live. Look at how a weed comes up thru a crack in the sidewalk. Its too hard to overcome that, in my lazy opinion!

At an outdoor praise and worship event right now, hopefully things will go well, no severe weather expected tonight unlike last year.

I am super awkward and find it difficult interacting with people so besides my adult children i dont really have any other humans but i have my pets and my hobbies and i find the act of creating my paintings and little clay animals fulfilling. When i am depressed i think is it really worth it? am i just taking up space? But in the end I think i am taking this time to discover who I am after 50+ years of trying to be another person for my firstly my mother and then my ex. I am also on a disability pension so i dont work.
I have always preferred my own company so i cant really say what it would be like to want interaction with others.

If recording isn't an option (I recorded my sessions for a long time, until I stopped, and my memory is still very bad) and since you and her email, maybe you can ask for a session summary via email?

I do that with my T, and it helps both of us track my memory issues too. Memory issues can definitely "slow" your progress sometimes because it's difficult to learn new things, connect the dots etc. Dissociation is an important issue for her to work with you too.

HUGS if wanted.

I'm not sure what keeps me going, beyond my partner, my T and others who'd grieve. Sometime back, I asked her what's the point, because I couldn't imagine an okay future. I could only imagine a really really bleak future.

My T once said to imagine myself at 80 and reflecting on my life. She thinks such questions can be discussed in therapy, and sometimes we do do. Very Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

I've always answered with "I want to have a sense of purpose to my life, to make a positive difference in my small corner of the world"... but I can quickly spiral into existential dread and end up shaking with terror in my bed. Plus be unsure how to achieve that because it feels so vague?